Bereavement in pregnancy

[mamalauren]

Hii, apologies for the long post and apologies if it's in any way triggering to anyone. TW: Death, Grieving, Bereavement - so please don't read on if any of those might cause you any emotional upset.

I'm 23+3 and at the start of May, lost my beloved Grandad after a sudden and short illness. A week ago, I lost my Uncle to terminal cancer (he was given a few years but unfortunately passed away very suddenly). For context, both of the men were father figures with my Grandad being more like an actual Dad to me as I lost my own Dad when I was 6-months old (and then my Mum when I was 5 years old). It is my Uncle's funeral on Friday and it will be my second close family funeral in less than two months.

My Uncle's passing has affected me less seemingly than my Grandad's as we were a lot closer and I genuinely thought I'd never find peace in my life and after a week of moping and crying, I was able to pick myself straight back in, dove head first into a new job, and I'm actually (weirdly) in a good place all things considered.

I've recently read up on grieving and bereavement while pregnant and read that it can hugely impact the child's mental health going forward. I've been trying my best to stay positive and upbeat for the sake of the baby's physical wellbeing (had some bleeds, other scary symptoms) and as it stands at my last scan (20+5), he was thriving, living his best little floaty life in Mama's tummy, kicking me and making me need to pee every 3-5 mins! But now I'm concerned about his later life and how this might affect him.

Obviously grieving and bereavement isn't something you can necessarily plan for (as with my Uncle's terminal diagnosis, I was fully expecting to be able to hand over his nephew for a cuddle this Christmas, life just didn't want to let us have it) and as I've said I've still been doing my best to look after myself, eating 3 meals and snacking as and when, drinking plenty water and staying hydrated, taking my vitamins and still fitting in my 30-min daily walks (although not 7 days a week doing this because my hips and thighs have started to ache), practicing mindfulness, looking after myself emotionally as best as I can under the circumstances but I am generally looking after myself which, if I wasn't expecting, I more than likely wouldn't be doing to the same degree.

Does anyone have any lived experience with this to offer any advice? I've read (I know, Google can be dangerous but I've mainly been reading medical research)
I have a great support system made up of close family (my Nana, my aunties, my Gran) and my best friends. I'd also add that I am pregnant solo - I am going to be a single Mum and not sure if that bears any relevance at all.

Thank you in advance xx 💘

I'm so sorry for your losses. I am no expert but I'm interested in the topic and have read a little about the effect of war trauma generations later. My personal view is yes, this will affect your child's personality in some way, but why assume it would be negative? They may be more reflective, or focussed, or calm or driven as a result of what you're feeling now. Unless you are suffering regular panic attacks (which I was with DS1, the most chilled and confident child in the world) you can't possibly say that this is affecting your child negatively.

What you could say is that your love for these two men in your life is shaping your child's personality. I absolutely love that idea.

I don't want to drone on, but when DH and I were fretting to a GP friend about Things That Don't Matter he told us that one thing makes the biggest difference to a child's health and happiness: whether or not their parent give a . Your baby has you. Lucky baby!

Thank you for getting back to me with this @Thankyouthankyoujellybean. It's really reassuring to hear what you've got to say from an outsiders perspective on my struggle.

Baby will be loved unconditionally and that's something I was given by the bucket-load with my two relatives. I haven't struggled with panic disorder since I was in my early 20's and that was trauma related (hardly surprising!) so now I've put everything in my brains filing cabinet and processed it all, I feel mentally stronger than I ever have.

Thank you again, I really appreciate you responding and making me feel positive about the impact. Time will tell and either way, Mama is there for her little man and that's what's important. x

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I got pregnant 4 months after my DD died and was still very much grieving. I also had a big bleed then growth scares and looked like he would need to come out at 30 weeks (luckily it was a false alarm). I do often wonder if my grief and huge anxiety affected my DS1. He has huge emotions and much more in need of company and cuddles than DS2 but I'll never know if that's just his personality, and there are positive and negatives there. I do think those worries have made me really focus on helping him to understand his emotions and treat him with understanding. I read up on supporting children who have experienced early trauma (which made me realise the effects of stress in the womb are probably very minor compared to many children's experiences). I feel like it's lead to a very close bond between us and he seems to be more emotionally aware than most of his age. He's also bubbly, non-stop chatty and doing really well at school now.

For me the things that helped most was support from the perinatal mental health team and pregnancy massages. It sounds like you are already doing a great job of keeping up with things that make a difference to you. Good luck with everything.

Sending you so so much love ❤️ when I was pregnant (about 32 weeks i think) I lost my incredible Grandpa, he was my father figure and it absolutely destroyed me.
I haven't seen any of the research you mention to be honest but my now almost 2 year old is happy as anything, chatty and bubbly, and to this point doesn't seem to have been impacted by my grieving. Xx

I'm so, so sorry for your two losses, especially in such close proximity.
I had the same worries as yourself in my pregnancy. Unfortunately, we lost our first baby at 32 weeks because of a genetic condition that I carry. I found out I was pregnant again 6 months later (we were desperate to bring a baby home), but I was still heavily grieving the loss of my son. I also found out I was pregnant a year to the day that I'd found out we were expecting our son, so the timeline of the pregnancies were exactly the same, scans at the same time etc. This was really triggering for me. I had a LOT of panic attacks throughout that pregnancy. I convinced myself I'd broken my unborn child and that she'd be depressed.
She's now 11 months old and absolutely thriving. Everyone comments on what a content, bright, happy and sociable little girl she is. She is currently going through a phase where she just giggles all day, it's amazing. I realise now that I wasted so much time sat there worrying about ruining her. They're surprisingly resilient these little babies 🩷
Sending you lots of love and hope you have a smooth rest of your pregnancy xx

Thank you to everyone for getting back to me with your personal stories, I really do appreciate it and you've reassured this Mama to be infinitely. It's just tricky to navigate even without growing my little pudding.
Sending you all loads of love xxx

Hope you’re ok, OP. My mum died when I was 35 weeks. I went into labour 6 days after her funeral, so I wasn’t really ready. I also worried about what it would do to my child to have such a flood of cortisol for the last month of pregnancy. Of course, the answer is that I’ll never know. She’s now 20 months so rather than being colicky she’s just beginning the terrible twos 😂

I used to say it was the best and worst time to be pregnant - worst because, well, duh. But best because bringing new life into the world and continuing the family seemed a good way to celebrate my mum. And the baby was a good distraction for everyone to pull us out of the hole.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

So sorry for your loss.
I really like that - the bringing of new life in to the world where we've lost. Being pregnant for sure has been an amazing distraction and as I said, I've been looking after myself more than I probably otherwise would have which can only be a positive. I seem to be really processing my grief with these losses despite how hard it's been, in comparison to losing my other beloved little Grandad when I was 21. Maybe an age thing, may be a maturity thing or may just be that my little pudding is taking the front seat of things.

Really glad to hear that your little dot is doing so well 😍

Thank you xx

I’m so sorry for your losses op, and to all of the others posters on their seismic losses :(

I lost my best friend to cancer when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old. I spent a lot of time with her, at the hospice and was very much in the thick of it. It was an incredibly difficult time.

My 4 year old is absolutely gorgeous. Healthy, happy and well. X

I am so sorry that you lost your grandad and your uncle recently.

All I would say is - there is nothing you can do, other than what you are doing. Life throws at us what it will.

Look after yourself as best you can and try not to stress about your baby - women go through pregnancies in war zones and all sorts of difficult circumstances. Sometimes it can't be helped.

All the best x

@Sapphire387 @VillageFete thank you both xx