How can I help DP see the joy in pregnancy?

[Al991]

We have had quite a difficult pregnancy journey, lots of trips to MAU, me feeling very anxious and not able to cope at times, for example when I’ve had a bleed, reduced movement and so on. It’s been a very nerve wracking times, there is no doubt about that.

Nevertheless, I still look at this whole experience and see a time of joy. My little baby has been growing inside me and every day that brings me happiness and makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Not all the time, obviously - sometimes I am just sick with worry and feel horrible. But I always come back to that feeling that this is magical. I love being pregnant.

I was really surprised to hear today from my partner that she has found this experience not joyful at all. She says I have ruined it with my constant anxiety, that every positive memory is tainted by a horrible one of me worrying. I knew this was hard on her, but I assumed, like me, she still found joy in the moments where you just get to feel the baby kick or talk to it. For me those outweigh it all. For her… I think she wishes we’d never got pregnant.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get her to forgive me for ‘ruining’ the pregnancy and she seems to think she can’t trust me anymore because of the times I’ve become beside myself with worry - she thinks I’ll do it again.

But is there any way I can help her see how joyful this experience is? How can I help her feel the positive connection to the baby that I feel, even when things are tough? I really want to share this feeling with her as we come closer to the end.

Pregnancy for the non-pregnant partner is always going to be a different experience. I wouldn't say my husband found 'joy' in pregnancy particularly. He has joy in our children now they are here, but pregnancy is a very unique thing for the one carrying the baby and I would stop trying to replicate that feeling in your partner as you will never be able. It's okay for her to have not enjoyed the pregnancy 'journey' and not have found it joyful. You don't have to make her feel joy at it.

However, 'She says I have ruined it with my constant anxiety, that every positive memory is tainted by a horrible one of me worrying' is quite a strong statement for her to make, and I would be focusing more on your relationship and putting stuff in place for if this anxiety continues postnatally, which is very likely.

I agree, the non-pregnant partner is always going to have a very different and quite abstract experience of pregnancy. They live it through you.

The joyous bits you describe are things that you experience very viscerally on a daily basis (the movement of baby etc). It's not the same for the other person. Just feeling a baby kick from the outside isn't the same.

They've also still got you, as their partner, front and centre as the person they love and prioritise. So all your worries and anxiety are going to effect them massively.

You're carrying another human and already transitioning in to loving something in a vast and different way to the way you love your partner. They won't get that until the baby arrives.

If your pregnancy is ticking along, there's really no need to be so anxious - pregnancy is a totally normal physiological event and unless there's obviously something wrong you just have to roll with it. I know that's easier said than done, but it does sound like it's time to put your worries aside and focus on your relationship together for the remainder of the pregnancy. You'll need to be rock solid when baby arrives.

For context, I'm also in a same sex relationship - I was the one carrying our baby.

I think there's certain expectations put on assigned female at birth same sex couples with a pregnancy that aren't placed on heterosexual couples. Because you're both afab you're almost expected to really be 'in it' with the pregnant person, with limitless capacity to empathise with your pregnant partner. But as others have said the non pregnant person isn't experiencing the physical side that you are, such as baby kicking. So it may be unrealistic to think she would easily find joy without that physical connection to baby. I'm not sure I'd expect an assigned male at birth partner to be able to empathise to that extent so I wouldn't want to put that pressure on my female partner.

Having said that, I do remember feeling almost exactly how you've described when I was pregnant. It feels like they should 'get it' more than they might, and I would get so frustrated when she didn't seem to understand what I was feeling. And then I felt guilty for being anxious. But I think both of yours feelings are valid.

I disagree with PP that pregnancy is something you should try to ignore anxious thoughts and feelings about and just roll with it. Especially if you're same sex and the pregnancy was hard/expensive/time-consuming to achieve. Not all same sex couples get pregnant off one round of IUI and although you don't mention your conception journey that may play a part in how anxious you're feeling - if you are aware of how hard it was to get there you might justifiably be anxious about losing the pregnancy. I'm not saying heterosexual couples always get pregnant easily, I know for some it's a horrendous journey with lots of loss along the way. But sometimes I do think people assume lesbians can't have fertility issues and that we just use a turkey baster and the job is done!

The only thing to do with your feelings is keep talking, don't let it fester. Talk to your partner about it, say how you're feeling. Hopefully she can at least understand that. It might not change anything but it'll be out in the open. I would also tell her how much her comment about ruining the pregnancy has upset you - I do think that's an unfair comment of her to make.

Can you get support from your GP? You'd be fast tracked for mental health support as you're pregnant.

I don't have experience of same-sex relationships but PP have given some very good insight. I have been pregnant though and hated every minute. It wasn't joyful or magical. It was something that I had to get through in order to have a baby so I tolerated it. I'm glad that you're enjoying it but I think it's fine for your partner not to feel that way.