Unsupportive family, how do I handle it?

[alexis97]

I'm currently 8 weeks + 5 days pregnant with my second baby, which I'm extremely excited about. I've loved being a mother and it's been the best experience, I can't wait to do it again with two beautiful children by my side.

I have been really struggling during my pregnancy however I've been continuing life as normal, working 40 hours with children and on my feet all the time, caring for our toddler daughter and also experiencing the horrific first trimester symptoms. It's been hard, but I've unfortunately had to take 2 days off sick now because of how ill I'm feeling.

I've been very emotional, drained beyond belief, so nauseous and just down in the dumps. - DH has been working away so I've had a lot to deal with on my own. I had an episode of shaking yesterday, I haven't been able to eat very well so I'm putting it down to that. I was physically sweating, shaking and really didn't feel well. DH works away and asked if he could return home to do his training course close by to which work agreed he could.

DH has been telling me recently that the way I'm feeling in my pregnancy is not normal, and has been raising his concerns that he and his family are all concerned about me and my mental health, essentially because I've raised that because I'm so drained and can't eat that I've been ill. I spoke to my midwife yesterday and she said it is absolutely normal to feel the way I am right now.

I feel sad and unsupported, they did this in my first pregnancy.. I really don't know what to do from here

They sound concerned rather than unsupportive?

I was told me being poorly test day with what was described as a blood sugar drop by the midwife was exaggerated and in my head. They have a very funny way of showing their concerns which is sad.

My midwife has welcomed my husband to the next appointment to talk about pregnancy and how it makes people feel because he doesn't get it. He thinks I have a baby in my tummy and that it shouldn't make me feel any different.

Well in that case he’s a bit of a twat

but you presumably know this

This made me chuckle.

He had the same attitude when I got PND, I recovered very well after support from my GP and I told him things need to drastically change if were to have a second child to which he said it would.

And we're back to square one. If things don't change I don't honestly think I can deal with it much longer because I have kids that come first now.

They sound concerned rather than unsupportive?

Now, what's the polite way of putting this?

They sound... naive or unscientific or as though they have some kind of mental health or personality problems running through their family. It MIGHT be some kind of cultural phenomenon, I don't know.

Your DH and his family are though, for whatever reason, gaslighting you.

OP see how it goes once your DH has been with you to the midwife, but without some change thereafter I do think you need additional support from your midwife or other professionals as this is very strange (your DH and relatives that is, not you, you are not strange!).

Or is there more to this, do they control or gaslight you about other things too?

Ask him how on earth he, as a man, could possibly understand how it feels to pregnant and what's normal and what's not.

He sounds very childish if it's going to take a midwife to explain it to him but if that's what needs to be done then no harm in trying

He sounds quite stupid. Dangerously so. Especially if he’s getting his family to gang up behind him.

The lack of support for you during PND is worrying. 🚩🚩🚩

How serious was your PND?

It’s concerning that he thinks he knows better than you do about how you are feeling or “should” be feeling.

I was absolutely exhausted, sick and completely wiped out at 8 weeks. I hope you feel better soon OP, I’ve definitely turned a corner at 10 weeks and I feel completely different. (Also second pregnancy).

Why is he ganging up on you with his family’s “concerns”.

Tell him to Google 1st trimester exhaustion and sickness. Of course it affects your mental health, of course you feel drained and shit when you feel so awful all the time.

All he needs to do is take on as much housework / childcare as possible and be sympathetic until it passes.

How was he during your PND?

Why do they think it's your mental health that's the problem rather than the perfectly normal first trimester symptoms?? Bizarre that this is what they've jumped to.

He didn't understand, he was always saying "he didn't understand why I was feeling like this" and to "eat healthier" "go for a run" nobody could understand it not even his family I was told it was all about mindset. I got advice from the GP and some medication and after 8 long weeks I started to feel human again. He couldn't understand why I was having anxiety attacks, I felt like I was at a loss.

DH had an episode when we first met with depression, he was in the army when we met. I cared for him with compassion and empathy, and I explained this to him. This night I almost left and filed for divorce, I told him that if I could care for him as well as I did why he couldn't mutually do the same for me. He can be very caring but healthy body and lifestyle always seems to be his go to... for pregnancy tiredness he told me to have a banana and it'll be okay....

Is it a lack of understanding? It's sad because it doesn't feel like he's the man I fell in love with :(

So he wasn’t great during first pregnancy
Shit during PND
and now shit in second pregnancy

Op - not like he didn’t exactly warn you

You know lies ahead of you, so ball is on your court because he’s not going to change

I told him things needed to change if we had a second and he promised they would.... I guess I'm the fool in this scenario 😅

Good luck

Sounds like your having normal pregnancy symptoms, fatigue, nausea etc most women get this and of course it makes you feel down, who wouldn't feel down when you feel tired and sick everyday. Plus you have work and a toddler to care for. I don't really get it, is it that your husband and his family don't believe pregnancy symptoms are real? That it's all in your head? Surely there must be women in his family that have had children, do they not believe your symptoms are normal either?

You are not a fool, comments like above are completely unhelpful. PND is really serious, you weren't in a position to make decisions and after you recovered you had a baby to care for. I think you need to tell your family exactly what is going on and your midwife. Be completely truthful.

And that comment that 'like you didn't know" from another poster is a shitty thing to say. This isn't your fault.

It’s not her fault he is the way he is

but surely to know he was shit during the first pregnancy, to know he was thoroughly unsupportive during PND and then still decide to trust him for a second pregnancy was… quite a risk?