Deciding to continue pregnancy or abort

[Kayj1991]

“Recently posted on pregnancy choice but no response” sorry
Hi, I’ve recently found out I was pregnant showing 2-3wks on clear blue. I’m 32 I have a 12yr old who is now in high school and just amazing and my career has just took off! I’m in a good place with my career than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve been with my partner 18months and he’s been wanting a child. He has a criminal background of violence and served 9yrs in jail and he has been out 2yrs and not done or wanted to do any criminal activity. I feel he’s changed from that point. He was young and regretted it (please don’t judge).
I still feel he’s immature and not ready - he lives at home with his dad but stays with me frequently he has a job but not good with managing money, he is asking to keep the baby he’s refusing to listen to me talk about the reality of having a child he’s just pushing to keep, he’s in this fantasy world but I can’t help feel this isn’t the right time for me, it’s just not how I imagined, I wanted to buy my home have savings and a solid relationship with solid foundations because I struggled with my first, and I know there’s no right time I’m just scared of regret. I was 19 when I had my son an I was a single parent, I was scared at 19 an I chose to carry on the pregnancy an my son is my little world. I’m absolutely torn what to do. He would make an amazing dad I’ve always thought that. My partner is against abortions and clearly said he won’t support me. My head is frazzled and I don’t know what to do 😔

Sounds like you've already made your mind up OP. You don't have to continue a pregnancy you don't want. No matter what anyone says

Hmmm
why could your career not cope with a child? Most women work these days… and maybe your partner needs to step up and grow up if he is in his 30s. Yes it is good he has learnt from his criminal past, but he needs to be a bit more responsible… so this might be the time.

You have to do what’s right for you. Partner might have changed and may be a really good dad but you can’t be guilt tripped into this decision. It’s not a good sign that he is saying he is against abortions and won’t support you - he’s your partner, he should support you no matter what. Ultimately it’s not an easy decision to make and you do need support. But please don’t make a decision for someone else, it has to be for you.

I’d say from everything you have described this doesn’t sound like a good time for a baby , nor does this man seem mature enough to cope with fatherhood , especially since saying he will not support your decision, this in itself is a red flag for me and not someone I’d want to have a child with . However there is never really a perfect time, go with your heart but this also reads to me like you’ve made a decision and it’s a no from both head and heart , best of luck if I was you I wouldn’t proceed x

Why did you decide to keep your son? Because to me a 32 year old with a good career and a partner who wants the baby and according to you would make “an amazing dad” seems in a far better place to raise a child than a scared single 19 year old.

So what is different? Is it just that you now know what is involved in raising a child and didn’t before? Are there some deep down doubts about your partner? You mention immaturity?

I think this decision will be easier to make if you can work out why you feel the way you do.

Sounds like you may be considering an abortion. I have to say in your circumstances I’d definitely be thinking of going down that route. Best wishes with your choice xx

He has a criminal background of violence and served 9yrs in jail and he has been out 2yrs and not done or wanted to do any criminal activity. I feel he’s changed from that point. He was young and regretted it (please don’t judge).

You mentioned this like it isn't relevant, but the fact that you mentioned it suggests that it is actually relevant to you and your decision making? If he served 9 years it was obviously something awful.

I would go with your gut here. You sound like you've built a good life for yourself and your son. He doesn't sound like the one. He also sounds controlling and not willing to see your point of view. Your body, your choice.

@Mumoftwoinprimary Yes I now know what’s involved in raising a child, at 19 I felt like an abortion would destroy me so I chose to go with it and i don’t regret my son not one bit.
I do have doubts about my partner, I just worry if he has one slip he’s in a bad place again and I’m on my own. we’re just on different pages. He absolutely loves me and wants nothing more than this, the longer this pregnancy goes on the more it’s destroying me

@Erised21 this is why I mentioned it. He’s on licence for another 18months, I try not to let that effect us but this is a massive decision and I need to think of everything and it all just feels negative with his background but I he has a lot of love to give

experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms doesn’t help, it’s just making it so hard one day I’m telling myself no this is not the right time , the next I’m imagining the future with a baby in it 😔

I'm sorry your in this predicament. I was in a similar situation a few years ago however I wasn't aware that he had a criminal past until I did Clare's law on him.

We had a great relationship I fell pregnant and we moved in. That's when it changed and that's when his mask came off and his true colours showed. I moved out within 5 weeks and had an abortion. He changed because I was pregnant and began to think he owned me. I did a Claire's law on left.

It was the best decision I ever made.

I'm not saying that this will happen to you but in hindsight wish I had seen the red flags now.

My point is although you are with your partner 18 months, you don't have the stress of living together and you don't know how he will react long term with added stress and pressure of baby's and jobs. if you move in together and he changes or slips back, how is that going to make you feel?

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing what you want to do. It sounds like your in a great place with your child and work and you have goals of what you want and don't want. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Speaking for myself, I would have an abortion. He does not sound stable/reliable and you should think of yourself re. your career and enjoy your much more independent son, instead of having to start over again with an infant. You would also be tied to this man for at least 18 years, and possibly have to single-parent an infant, or at least co-parent, which can be complicated.

As you said you struggled a lot, put lots of effort saving, building career all as single mum. No matter if you keep baby or abort, please be careful with this guy, you don't want to wake up in cold water, dragging useless guy, who may want to use you. He may be good, may not but often people act differently to reach goal and then change for bad.

Thanks so much for your honesty. I have a scan on Wednesday and treatment to be sent out I just hope I’m not further than 6weeks when the baby has a heartbeat, I just worry I won’t be able to handle to aftermath on my own l. I’ll find a way we’re mums we have too. I’ve asked for pre counselling but I’m having no luck with bpas. I need to tell my partner my decision and it’s going to break him but maybe it will be a kick up the arse to sort himself out. Maybe this will be the wake up call to see if it’s worth carrying on this relationship. I just feel a mess right now and I can’t talk to my family they don’t no his past. My family adore him and no how much he loves children