Mentally struggling, 2nd pregnancy

[suitcasewaste]

I have to write this down as I am hoping it will help & frankly due to hip & leg pain I just don't sleep anymore.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I've always suffered with anxiety. DD born 4 years ago & suffered a stroke at 4 hours old. Leading to being rushed to ICU & an NNU stay for us all of just over 2 weeks.

DD is fine, you'd never know anything had happened to her. She's incredibly bright for her age. I almost feel in some ways it's all too good to be true.

Took a long time & a lot of therapy to go for another baby. But here I am.

Planned C section for around 4 weeks time unless moved back. I'm freaking out about that in itself. I hate laying flat back as I get terrible vertigo, not helped by feeling anxious so go round in a big circle of panicking which makes the dizziness worse. I have a blood condition so am very anaemic & have been told they'll use a method (cannot remember name) to essentially send any lost blood back in to me. Not sure this is relevant but I'm going all out here.

As I said above I can't sleep, just in pain at night, & I know the lack of sleep is probably affecting my low mood. I was on meds for anxiety but was told best to come off when pregnant so I have managed to do that & tbf I'm proud of myself for getting this far but now it's like my anxiety is just sky high around everything.

I'm terrified of current DD getting poorly. Every day I worry about her getting a sick bug/being sick. She was Ill for 7 weeks solid over winter with different things including 2 sick bugs & it wrecked my nerves. She's starting school in Sept & I worry about how she will get on there, as suddenly at the tender age of 4 every day coming home from PS, it's 'so & so said they aren't my friend' & although I get it it also feels too early for the friendship bollocks to start & being that both of us are sensitive I don't feel capable of guiding her through in the way I would like.

I'm terrified about baby's status/health. I've had extra scans but had to really push for these. I mean everything was fine with DD until a few hours old so obviously scared of something happening when baby is born.

Genuinely worried I will not cope mentally with the worry of having 2 kids if all does go well.

I feel sad every day & whilst appreciating I have a good life & lovely things & people in it, I see the negatives in everything & don't want to be like this. I've had lots of therapy & the most effective was probably EMDR which was used to treat my experience of PTSD surrounding DD. Currently see an NHS counsellor every few weeks through the maternal mental health scheme & whilst helpful to touch base it doesn't have much effect on me.

I have always had a fear of death & that has been exacerbated now to the extent & worry about leaving kids behind, every head pain is a brain tumour & every car ride is a potential death trap (have always been a very confident driver) also am having pain on the right side of my head only which has been going on about a month so worry of something being wrong stems from there.

I'm just scared, of everything & I sit here writing this thinking how in a matter of weeks I'll be on a table being cut open (in a theatre clearly which brings back horrid memories as DD was born via forceps & I still feel this is where things went wrong) & I could just scream in panic. I like to be in control & know what's coming but clearly the logical part of me says life isn't like that. But I still want to scream in panic.

I look back at photos of me from a few years ago & I don't recognise that person. I feel so much fatter, haggard & generally I know I'm trying to carry a lot mentally & I'm trying to be kind to myself but I just get annoyed at myself for the way I am & the fact I worry so much as it achieves nothing. I know this yet still do it.

I was keen to get back on the anxiety meds the minute baby is out but would like to breast feed, however there's only really one medication out of a few I have tried that has no side effects & breast feeding is a big no on it. I feel like I need to breast feed as baby will receive no antibodies from me as not being born naturally. Had this explained to me by a consultant. Feel guilty over that too.

Thank you for reading if you've got this far. Sorry to go all war & peace I just needed to get this out.

Oh mama, you are so strong and doing a great job. Parenthood and pregnancy are tough enough without the mental health stuff making it so much more of a struggle. It's understandable you'd be so worried after what happened last time, too. I hope you do consider going back on the meds-- having a healthy happy mama is as important as the antibodies for baby. Xx

OP I feel for you. I felt very similar (without the trauma you experienced with your DD) at this gestation when pregnant with my 2nd, DD1 had just started primary aged 4 and everything felt overwhelming.

Firstly, be kind to yourself. Try and dismiss the thoughts about how you are different as a person compared to a few years ago. You are different in that you are a mother, and the responsibility that comes with that cam sometimes come with a lot of anxiety. I too got very annoyed with myself for my anxiety but I try and reframe it that it is because I care so much for my children that I worry so much, despite it not being productive or healthy. This made me not beat myself up about it so much and in turn allowed me to try and tackle the unwanted thoughts.
Keep going to the counselling that you have been attending even if it doesn't feel that helpful- this keeps the door open to access more resources postnatally should you need them. Pregnancy comes with many hormonal changes and these play havoc with our emotions too, try and hold onto that when you feel yourself start to beat yourself up about the anxiety- it is not all within your control.

In terms of the c section, they will give carry out cell salvage where the blood lost from the surgery is collected, washed and filtered before being transfused back to you, either in theatre at the end of the surgery, or in recovery. Make sure to tell the team (or ask your birth partner if you'd feel more comfortable) about your previous experience and your anxiety surrounding this and the vertigo symptoms when you lay flat. All this will help the team be best equipped to look after you. Make a playlist of music you like and ask for it to be played in theatre if that will bring you comfort, or bring in head phones so you can try and distracted yourself with some music and close your eyes. I work in obstetric theatres, and often women do this and then once baby is here they can have skin to skin on the table (if baby is well) and that is all the distraction they need. Even if it's not and you look at baby and then take yourself back into your 'zone' that's also fine too.

In terms of the anxiety meds and breastfeeding, see how things go with breastfeeding but if the anxiety gets too much and you need to take medication then baby will be just fine on formula. You have given baby more than enough by growing them to this point- and if you give them colostrum for the first few days then you will have set them up really well with antibodies. Don't beat yourself up about doing what you need to do to be a good mum to your kids- if this was someone else who was telling you they felt guilty for not breastfeeding because they needed to take a medication for a physical health problem you would tell them not to. This is no different.

Anyway, sorry for the essay but I remembered feeling the way you did at that point and I wanted to tell you that you can do this. DD1 has nearly finished reception and DD2 is 5 months old. I'm juggling the 2 ok and haven't needed to return to meds. Sending you lots of well wishes and if you ever want to send me a PM feel free x

Thank you both so, so so much for your absolutely lovely replies. I'll reply properly later but I am blown away by the kindness of 2 strangers taking their time to reply with such kind words x x

There are meds that can be used when breast feeding and pregnant, I believe Sertraline and Prozac. It’s worth consulting with your GP.

here’s more information taken from https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/factsheet/anxiety/

Safe medication in breastfeedingIf you and your doctor decide that prescribed medication is the best route for you, there are several options which you can take and continue breastfeeding. They include, in no particular order:

1. SSRI antidepressants e.g. sertraline, citalopram, fluoxetine, paroxetine all have anti- anxiety activity. They take 4 to 6 weeks to exert full benefit.
2. Tri-cyclic antidepressants e.g. amitriptyline, imipramine.
3. Beta blockers e.g. propranolol act to reduce heart rate and slow the body and act very quickly. They can be taken regularly or when required. They cannot be taken if you have asthma.
4. Benzodiazepines e.g. diazepam, lorazepam, alprazolam act very quickly to reduce anxiety but cannot be taken long-term because they are addictive and can also accumulate in the breastfed baby leading to drowsiness and poor feeding.

The first thing most mothers prescribed with anti-anxiety medications worry about is whether the drugs will harm the baby in the short or long term. They are also concerned that they are ‘bad’ mothers for needing to take medication but they don’t know how to cope without. They worry about long term use, addiction, withdrawal, development of the baby, whether formula milk may be a better option than breastmilk containing even a small amount of the drug. They ‘google’ madly trying to find the information which supports their concerns, but often don’t trust those sites which support the safety. They may ask lots of people’s opinions which can be even more anxiety provoking according to that person’s experience of breastfeeding and medication. Often they fear that even admitting that they are anxious may lead to their baby being taken into care and them being labelled as an unfit mother. This is not going to happen but can sadly lead to delays in seeking treatment.

I continue to take sertraline whilst pregnant and breastfeeding. My consultant highly recommended it because she said she was against mums feeling how you are throughout pregnancy. I'd look at getting back on medication ASAP.

Have you had any iron infusions yet or any coming up? Again, probably beneficial if you're not.

Let them know you're anxious, in my experience the theatre staff have been incredible! I didn't actually realise my section had started and I was seconds from meeting my baby. They didn't announce they'd started to help ease my nerves.

You've been through a lot but try to remain positive that this is a different baby and a different experience.

@eewno Thank you v much for your message. I tried Setraline before I was pregnant as did my research & like you say, Doc told me this one was the best tested one for pregnancy. Unfortunately it gave me horrific acid reflux & I couldn't do more than 2 weeks on it. I think I'll make a GP app though & hope to find another that is considered safe & that breastfeeding is 'ok' to do on.