Suprise 3rd baby completely conflicted

[houseeveryweekend]

Suprise 3rd pregnancy due to contraception failure.
Am I utterly mad to consider keeping the baby?
My husband is 50 i am 36.
We have two other children age 5 and 8.
We have my disabled mother living with us who is a difficult character and has hoarding/spending issues. Shes here because my father unexpectedly dropped dead (he was not ill at all it was a big shock) in October and he was her carer. They were living in the middle of nowhere abroad so she could not stay there alone. She brought her badly trained aggressive poodle dog whom I now also care for. I am an only child and have no other close family. My husband also has basically no help from his family.
I literally just started a job working 10 hour night shifts which I love but is hard work.
I thought I was done having kids and had just finished getting rid of all the baby things so have nothing. Have very little savings and some debt from moving my mum across to this country. Emdless stress with trying to sort out her house over there to sell for her which she isn't really helping with... I cant see that she's made any plans to leave my home in the future at all..Im finding it very hard to care for her as well as work and keep on top of the home. My husband works full time.
We do own the house its about 50% mortgaged. It does have the potential for a fourth bedroom but alot of work needs doing to the room. Theres only one bathroom. NO garden. Currently my mum shares a room with my daughter (theres reasons why we've done it that way) its not ideal obviously. Money is quite tight but was slowly improving however we will go back to being pretty poor if I keep the baby.
I feel like at our ages too this is kind of the last of our 'youth' and a period where our kids were just getting old enough to not need quite as much work leaving us to have a little bit more life... but am now staring down the prospect of another five years of babyhood again. Obviously my husband is also now an older father.. altho I know there are no guarantees as I've just experienced my own father drop dead despite apparently being in great health before he reached 64 even... yet my husbands father is in his mid 80s and still flying all over the world despite looking in bad health since his 60s
My husband will be supportive i know but I get the sense he thinks I should terminate the pregnancy really.
I'm very very conflicted about it. If my mum didn't live with us I think id be 100% certain I wanted to keep it. I have often thought about having a 3rd but had written it off as something that wasn't going to happen. I just dont know how it will play out. I dont know if I could psychologically handle having an abortion. But then I dont know if I could handle raising another baby.
I have periods of the day where I'm elated and thinking everything will be fine and this new baby is a gift from the universe who will bring joy... then I have times like now sat here anxious unable to sleep thinking I'm being utterly crazy even thinking about having this child.
Id just like to hear some advice and experiences if anyone has any to offer?

Hi op, I don’t have any personal experience but just wanted to offer a handhold. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this stress.

The one message I have is that ultimately what matters is what you want. It is completely your right to choose to terminate, but don’t let your dh talk you into it if that isn’t what you want

I wonder if you could do with exploring other options for where your dm lives, if this is something you could consider. Plus also other possible arrangements for caring for the poodle. How old is her dog?

Only you can decide about the baby but regardless you need to find alternative living arrangements for your mum as this is not going to work long term for her, you or your existing children.

Good luck.

@MissHavershamReturns he is 8. He's badly behaved and hostile. Very hard for friends to help. Our neighbour tried to walk him once but said she was sorry that she never wanted to do it again because it was so stressful. He's not used to this country and all the noise and people. He spent most of his life in an isolated rural setting with not many boundaries. Its not his fault and I try to do right by him but its just stressful.

The hope was her house abroad would sell and she would buy a property in the uk to live in but to cut a long story short she doesnt seem to be doing much about it or allowing us to do much about it.. shes just filling up our house with stuff.

You sound very kind op, but if ok to say I hear that you are already feeling very overwhelmed. it sounds as though some structural changes need to be made and her ddog maybe needs some behaviourist input. Do you think he is safe around your dc?

Maybe the question to ask yourself is how will I feel once dm has moved out and her ddog is out of the picture one way or another (eg will sadly have passed on in day 4 years anyway).

I’ve just read your updates. I think you have to give her an ultimatum on moving into rented / selling her home

I am stunned that you can manage what you already do. Another baby seems like it would be too much.

However, if your mother moving out would be the deciding factor, and you actually want this baby, then you need to get her out. You will have to be boundaried and I don't know if you can. Many people can't.

@MissHavershamReturns yes I think I really do but its such a mess.. she hasn't been saving for lorries or costs or anything like that despite us constantly telling her.. its such a waste of her money to move into a rental when she could stay here for free and actually use the time to get things sorted for herself. She isn't doing that at all tho.. so yes I think we will have to ask her to leave before the baby is born because I just won't be able to cope. She could easily hire a carer for herself but she's made no effort to do that she just expects me to do it all then acts like its not anything

@MrsTerryPratchett I dont manage that well my house looks like a bomb hit it 24/7

I feel quite a lot of resentment towards my mother at the moment. She knows I'm pregnant yet is still going on spending sprees rather than doing anything about her living situation or hiring herself help.

I feel quite a lot of resentment towards my mother at the moment. She knows I'm pregnant yet is still going on spending sprees rather than doing anything about her living situation or hiring herself help.

Op I think you need to put yourself and existing dc first. You sound both lovely and Overstretched.

I wonder if in making this decision you need to sit down and think dates and practicalities. Could you move house to get more space? Can you give your mum 6 months to leave? It is absolutely ok to do what you need to do and it sounds as though your dm does that herself!

shes just filling up our house with stuff.

So she's a hoarder.

I wouldn't be into having a stranger's (I know it's your mum) dog in my house, especially with young children around.

Not being proactive in getting her stuff moved sounds like she's a chronic procrastinator and expecting you to do it all. I have no practical help but really feel for you.

The stuff in Spain, or wherever is better left to a charity shop. But someone needs to be there to coordinate it all and obviously you can't.....

@MissHavershamReturns thankyou. Its hard sometimes.. I think my mum has been used to everything being taken care of and not having to think.. so she seems shocked that everyone wouldn't just prioritise looking after her at their own expense.. shes so certain that's what everyone should be doing that you start to actually believe it.
I shouldn't have an abortion because I cant cope with my mother... I should sit down with my husband and decide to make some boundaries with her. Essentially I need my house and my time and energy back if I'm going to have another child.

Op I think that sounds like a good starting point. No one should ever have a baby they don’t want and I’m 100% pro choice but it sounds like you do want this baby and this is YOUR choice.

Maybe get out some paper and write a list of what needs to shift. It’s ok to say to your Dm that you are not feeling great either physically or emotionally due to the pg and things need to change very significantly for you to manage the pg and first year.

@suburbophobe the sad thing is thats my parents house so is full of stuff from my childhood.. and its full of family stuff like my great grandfatgers paintings, my grandmothers school books etc etc.. its a large old house.. I did spend 6 weeks there when my dad died trying to sort thru it but hardly dented it. My mums main hoarding is clothing but she also has a lot of everything.. she wouldn't let me throw anything away. Best I could do was try and get some of it vacuum packed and boxed. Very emotional and stressful tho.
They live so rural theres no charity shop near enough anyway! I did managed to sell some tools and furniture on fb there but the house is still packed.
She doesnt seem to want to think about doing anything with it but then when I try and get rid of any of it she gets very angry saying she wants to keep it all..nand OK fine but what steps is she taking to keep it? Wheres she going to put it? The estate agent said the house is more likely to sell if its clear but my mum is refusing to participate in clearing it.

@houseeveryweekend

God, I feel for you.

We had to clear out our parents house. Huge job. They'd saved stuff from forever. In the end we got skips (3!) because we all lived abroad so had minimal time in which to do it.. Clothes to charity shops, car for sale, asking mum's friends to help themself to garden and house plants. Etc. Yes, it was a tough time. We all have kids. And 2 of us are single parents.... I was on the edge of burn-out.

@suburbophobe yeah its awful im sorry you've experienced it too!
I'm an only child so its just me and no one to consult about it either.. its hard to know what to think and do for the best. I just wish my mum was a bit more of a reasonable person. Obviously its awful for her but she has always been quite like this its not just grief.

It sounds like a big part of this is your mum. If you don't want a termination, I think that you need to be very very firm with your mum. She can't live with you any more. The dog can't live with you any more.

Oh lord, it's your mother that's the issue obviously, it would be awful to make the decision about keeping the baby based on her - you'll never forgive her if you regret it.

If she's going to continue living with you then she needs to sell the house abroad - you then pool your funds and buy a bigger house that can comfortably accommodate everyone.

If she has no plans to sell that house, or doesn't want to help create a living situation that works for you all then she needs to find somewhere else to live.

Your husband is Saint!
If I were him the discussion would go if the babies coming she's going.