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Original poster

A third kid at 44?!?

29 replies

thiswasnotmyplan · 17/06/2023 13:02

Just what the title says, really...

Very unexpectedly found out I'm pregnant at 43, due just after my 44th birthday.

I have two wonderful, full on boys aged 6 and 5, and was adamant that I was done - delightedly so!

DH has always wanted more (he's one of 5, and his mum was 41 when she had him) so he's got no qualms about going ahead.

I don't know if I've got it in me to parent another newborn and toddler and am frankly mortified at the thought of having a kid in school when I'm 60!

I felt a similar early dread with my second if I'm honest, and obviously I wouldn't have our family any other way from the second we met... but now I'm having to factor in my age and lifestyle as well. (Though those seem such shit, horrifyingly selfish reasons to terminate.)

I just don't know where to go from here. Would I resent having another kid? Regret not going ahead? Would my husband forgive me if I didn't proceed? Desperate to hear from anyone who's been through this and come out the other side...

Thanks for any wisdom x

OP posts:
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rogueone · 17/06/2023 13:07

Hi, I had number 4 just before I turned 45. He was a delight and I really made the most of my maternity leave. There is only 5 yrs apart from your youngest whereas my eldest was 18, DD was 11 and DS was 8 when number 4 came along.

Only you can decide the way forward,

rogueone · 17/06/2023 13:09

I should add my DH was in shock and said we were too old. However after a few losses I was not terminating, however given my age I did do invasive tests to ensure all was well. My DS is now 8! He is a delight and I too felt a little uncomfortable about my age and thought folks would think I was his gran...so far so good

MintJulia · 17/06/2023 13:15

I had a baby at 45. I turned 60 last week. Ds will be 15 next month.

I've loved every moment, I haven't regretted it and I've taken care to maintain fitness because I didn't want ds to have a mum who couldn't keep up. We still cycle and run together......but... I only have one dc. He was a late surprise baby like yours. I'm not sure I could manage three.

I'm a single full time working mum though. You have a dh to help carry the load.

Don't worry about your age, the question is more can you cope with three?

Awumminnscotland · 17/06/2023 13:17

I'm a 52 year old with my almost 8 year old. My husband is 58. There's alot of pros to being an older parent.
Maintaining health and fitness is a priority and some things can't be helped but being older os only a teeny part of being a parent to your child.

MintJulia · 17/06/2023 13:17

And no-one has ever thought I was his gran 🙂

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/06/2023 13:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheInterceptor · 17/06/2023 13:29

Had my third at 43, then a fourth at 46 🙂 It's brilliant!

resipsa · 17/06/2023 13:33

52 with a 7 year old too. I am conscious that I'm 5-10 years older than most of her friends' mums but not sure anyone else gives it a second thought!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/06/2023 15:01

I'm 56 with a 14 year old DD. She was a surprise and shock but she's been the best thing that ever happened to me. I love being an older mum. All my mum friends are at least 10 years younger than me and it's never been an issue. No one has ever thought I'm her grandma. She turns 18 the year I turn 60.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/06/2023 15:03

Between us, me, my sister and sister in law have had babies at 42, 43, 44 and 48... all fine!

Notellinganyone · 17/06/2023 15:05

Read Caitlin Moran on why she had an abortion. It’s great, honest writing. She had two children and just didn’t want a third. It might mitigate against everyone telling you what a blessing it is if you don’t feel that way.

NotEverORNever · 17/06/2023 15:12

Another viewpoint ,

I'm a 54 year old and my youngest of four is 26. The thought of having a ten year old running around would be just beyond awful. I couldn't even imagine it. 😅
I love my kids to bits and I love being a Mum but I'm so, so over the hands on stuff. I love the fact they have their own lives and that I have my own life too. I see lots of them as 3 of them live locally but I'm glad to have the house kid free.

It's not a health issue as I'm fit and active.

Having said all that there is nothing wrong with having a baby when you are older as long as it's what you and your husband want and as long as it's the right decision for your family.

HomeEdMom · 17/06/2023 15:18

No one above regrets the child they’ve had… I had a surprise pregnancy in my 40s but had a miscarriage. I’d have loved it to work out.

pampam24 · 17/06/2023 15:22

Oh my gosh, please don't feel bad about your age. I work in healthcare and a good 1/3 of the mums with newborns are around 40 now, and so many your age and older. It's totally normal and not even a thing.
My DH is 42 and will be 43 when our second arrives, and we want 3! So will try again when DH is 45. We're both fairly fit and live very a healthy lifestyle. My dad was 44 too come to think of it.

It's very normal to start families later in life now due to finances. Simply couldn't have afforded to start much earlier.

Your choice though of course. Wishing you luck and happiness come what may x

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 15:31

I’m 43 baby will be due when I am 44. I literally am so stuck one minute I want to embrace it and can visualise another next minute I’m thinking am I mad! I’m quite a nervous person and just getting to a place where life is feeling easier as youngest is 6 but can still see a baby fitting in. I am so confused. Here if you want to dm me x

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/06/2023 15:35

I was pregnant with my third, unplanned, at 40. DH didn't want her, but I just couldn't deal with termination. It has, if I'm honest, made life very hard, but I guess I can't say I regret it, because I could never have recovered from a termination. It's such an individual decision that I am always grateful that people have the choice, even if I myself consider it a sin (for me).

Binjob118 · 17/06/2023 15:40

The worst reason to not go ahead would be worries about other people thinking you're too old. Older mothers are not that unusual, no one cares about age.

FearTheWankingDead · 17/06/2023 15:42

If it’s ok for Kourtney Kardashian it’s ok for you 😊

mondaytosunday · 17/06/2023 15:54

Only you can decide what's best for you.
I didn't get married until I was 40, so if I wanted kids I had to take what came, and I had two, one at 41, one at 43 ( I'm 61 now and youngest has just finished get A levels - whoop whoop)! I was by no means unusual in my friendship group - all but one had at least one child over 40, the oldest had her child at 46 ( Dad was 51).

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 17/06/2023 16:01

If you think about your kids’ class parents I bet you’ll realise there are lots of ‘older’ parents, and that shows you didn’t notice or care and no one else will about you either. You’re not the oldest parent I know by FAR. My friend’s mum had a baby at 52 20 years ago. Good luck in your decision!

margegunderson · 17/06/2023 17:47

I had my third at a very similar age but with a larger gap to the other two. I spent the first months dithering about whether to keep or not but it all fell into place when I had to book - or not - the termination. Did have amnio. He's at uni and great. There were good times and a few bad as with any other kid but wouldn't have it any other way. Not sure we were always the oldest parents and occasionally it was hilarious to be so much more laid back than the very young and PFB parents of some of his classmates.

Original poster
thiswasnotmyplan · 19/06/2023 09:03

Thank you all so, so much for your kind and supportive replies! I think adding to the surrealness is knowing that the odds make it very likely that this won't work out anyway (2 kids from 5 pregnancies) so I think I feel quite disconnected from it, between that and the shock!

My kids have been angels the past few days that makes me think 'hmm, maybe I could handle another...' but I know that as soon as that switch flips I'll remember that I've already got my hands more than full!

I don't know whether it's practical (given age/ odds) or just avoiding all responsibility but I feel like I just have to wait it out - maybe I'll get an answer either way. But what a headfuck!

Can I just ask whether any of you brilliant 40+ mums had any genetic screening? Was it on the nhs or private? Thank you xx

OP posts:
Starjay7 · 19/06/2023 14:37

Hello @thiswasnotmyplan so good to connect with another mum my age I am 43 44 week before baby due. Unplanned pregnancy. I’m such a nervous anxious wreck, not sure I am ready to go backwards when my kids are 17 & 6. Scared of baby having any issues etc.
How are you feeling now? I am feeling so sick all the time just in bed all day

TheInterceptor · 19/06/2023 14:41

I paid for the Harmony test (around £400) for my daughter as she'd come back high risk with the NHS combined screening. It was a low result. The NHS later said my age (43) would've almost certainly put me in the high-risk category alone. So it was quite a surprise when my next pregnancy came back as low risk, at 46! I had the Harmony again anyway, just to be sure. Both babies born healthy.

Starjay7 · 19/06/2023 14:50

@TheInterceptor Hi, this is so reassuring thank you. X

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