Can men ever understand pregnancy?

[Calmondeck]

Currently expecting DC2 and am sometimes astounded by my DH’s expectations of a heavily pregnant person - think long haul travel with a toddler (without him on the flights because he’ll already be there for work) to a country with extremely rudimentary healthcare facilities and 30+ degree daily temperatures. The location aside, just the thought of packing/transporting luggage/stroller/snacks & toddler to the airport alone has me wanting to sit down. I am all for pregnancy not holding anyone back from adventures… but I also sometimes wish my DH realised pregnancy is more than just my womb working.

Has anyone ever found any good resources (articles or videos) that explain the huge physiological changes a woman goes through, that is targeted at men? So many articles and videos are directed at the mum…

I don't think this is a men vs pregnant women thing. I will be travelling solo with a toddler while pregnant because I fly abroad to visit family. And 30 degree heat sounds bliss to me!
We're all different, if you don't feel up to something or even just don't want to do it then just tell your spouse that. But i don't think it's particularly reasonable to assume any woman wouldn't want to do those things because pregnancy.

Need more context really - is he kicking up a fuss because you don't want to go? In which case he is being unreasonable.

Or did he suggest it and you've explained you don't feel up for it and so you're not going? If he just made the suggestion then I think you're being a bit unreasonable. (Sorry!)

In answer to your question, no they'll never understand (I had to explain to DP why I have sore nips!) but they should be able to acknowledge and accept whatever you do or don't feel comfortable doing.

Heavily pregnant person???

I think you'll find that'll be a woman.

My DH didn’t get it, although he wasn’t particularly unsupportive - just lacked understanding. With him, it was more that he was underprepared for how hard it’d be to have a newborn, how difficult labour could be… But then again he only went to one class to prepare. There were a number of really knowledgeable male partners at many of my classes, who I imagine were far more empathetic and understanding of pregnancy, birth and the fourth trimester.

I'm afraid that I have not come across any resources aimed at men. It's a good point, as there is an overwhelming amount of info aimed at women with online apps and websites. The most they suggest is "ask your partner to give you a back rub" or similar! My husband has greatly improved with his general understanding and support since the first trimester with our first. Even though I arguably needed him more at that time to be completely sympathetic and supportive, he is one of those men who gets very impatient if he can't relate to what you're feeling physically and more or less accused me of being a hypochondriac/milking it(dreadful I know!) and it caused me a great deal of upset at the time. However, as I said, he has improved and I realise that with him he just needed more time to adjust in his own way. Does he demonstrate understanding, intuition and sympathy for every single minute? No not at all, but I guess that gives the general answer to your question, unless they are more on the nurturing side of the spectrum, they are generally detached from our personal experience.

Sorry, my example seems to have distracted from my main question of resources for men on understanding the huge physiological changes a woman goes through in pregnancy.. is there anything out there people have found?

@Sissynova I’ve also done 23hr plane flights solo with my toddler during this pregnancy… but I think there is a huge difference between travelling in trimesters 1&2 vs at 32-34 weeks. Even pregnant UN workers in difficult postings are told to leave by 31 weeks.

The example is more to illustrate that DH doesn’t seem to grasp that pregnancy is so different depending what month you’re at…

@RoseLee04 thanks so much for your experience… was there anything that influenced your DH to wise up a bit after that first trimester or it was just time?

You’re exactly right- the apps and websites are so geared toward to expecting mum (great for us but it then makes me feel like I have to use the knowledge to educate DH instead of directing him to info geared at dads..)

There are a few books out there for fathers. They tend to be lighthearted though (with names like The Expectant Dad’s Survival Guide) and I think they focus on when the baby arrives.

Why can’t he just read literature meant for anyone? The Day by Day Pregnancy Book clearly breaks down the huge changes that take place in a woman’s body. It’s a big book but you can dip in and out according to stage of gestation. It can be as detailed as one wants it to be. There are courses geared to birth partners and parents in general which, in our experience, had skilled speakers who could condense their vast knowledge for their less informed audience, shall we say. The reason I know is because the same speakers also led my more in depth courses. We did ours as part of our NHS care. Although as I said upthread, there were many dads in my classes who were extremely knowledgeable (including about hormonal interactions and their specific effects) and had clearly been doing their reading/courses. They seemed genuinely interested though, and I’m sure they had done their research of their own accord.

@Calmondeck To be honest it's a bit of a mystery as to how my husband wised up later in my pregnancy. The best I can say is that it's quite typical of his personality to be very unreasonable about something initially and he won't change his mind on my feelings alone, but then gradually he comes to his senses and comes around by himself. Possibly the influence of mutual friends had a mellowing effect on him because I could see stuff was sinking in when we were talking in a group and highlighting the discomfort of women as well as talking about the pregnancy in a celebratory way. However this is not your first, so it's a bit different. Has he attended prenatal classes of any kind with you? (We haven't started but at least he's agreeing to come).

Yanbu but I think it's just because you don't whinge enough.

My dh is under no illusions whatsoever about how tough it is because I remind him every two minutes... even my (all male) department at work have received unsolicited daily updates about my various pregnancy related ailments while I stagger around clutching my bump (I'm only 13 weeks along).

I'm only half exaggerating. Complain more!

A useful exercise done in our NCT class was to fill a large rucksack with 2.5 stone worth of liquid (I think about 4 x 4 litre milk bottles if I recall correctly) and then to strap it to the father’s front for as long as he would tolerate it and make him stand up from comfy chairs, bend over to pick stuff up, go up and down stairs etc. Was v effective.

Ps I also like to regale everyone with pregnancy related science bites, like how pregnant women increase their blood volume by up to 100%, and how our baby's dna runs detectably in our veins for up to the rest to our lives, making mums technically chimeras, and how high up my stomach is now (and now), etc etc.

All this helps get me breakfast in bed

I've not come across anything useful but I feel you on this. Yesterday a man (with two kids!) at an event told me and another mother last night that "pregnancy really can't be that bad". He got off lightly for the earful he should have received. Fortunately my husband does understand.much better, but I think that is listening and knowing I would not be making this up.

@Calmondeck I'm 39 weeks and commented I was exhausted yesterday after a day running around after our toddler

Cue my husband looking confused and saying oh really how come

They have NO IDEA

I've given up 🤣

Surely it doesn't take a lot to realise it is exhausting? I think these men just sound a bit inadequate tbh.

😅😂

Thank you for the laughs everyone! Noted on (1) more whinging needed and (2) despite this, he’ll never get it

Definitely need to just tell him!

No, he probably won't fully get it. Most people aren't that great at understanding things they haven't experienced and can't really relate to. And pregnancy changes constantly, so I think it's very tough to understand what women do/don't feel up to at various stages. Also, there's a lot of variety in what women experience.

What to expect while you're expecting. It's quite old, but it has a chapter for father's at the back. Besides, he can still read something that's mostly aimed at women.