Announcing pregnancy but having a bit of a meltdown over it

[existingusername]

So planning or loosely planning to tell family about pregnancy next weekend I might back out. I’ll be 14 weeks, I’m worried that I’m going to miscarry again ( I've had 2 in the past) or already have. I had a scan last week all was good so I’m being a little bit irrational there I guess, but anything can happen. I’ve also had a very hot busy weekend so I’m worried that’s effected things, I wasn’t able to get out of the sun most of the day two days in a row. I don't feel pregnant, I don’t look pregnant. Going slightly insane. Scared to tell the kids incase something happens then have to explain that and also really want to tell them at the same time. I won’t go for a private scan due to scan anxiety so that’s not an option. I do have another NHS scan mid week next week but we are visiting family this weekend and would like to tell them face to face. Don’t know when we will next physically see them. I’m in a right predicament. I’m also complete nutcase because I’ve also thought once I’ve told people they know and they can’t un-know or I can't un tell them almost like my secret is out. Someone talk me down from all this irrationality and tell my everything will be fine because I don't feel like it's going to be fine.

@existingusername I completely hear you and felt exactly the same (with a very similar history of 2 miscarriages last year). We told close family at 13 weeks as we were going on holiday with them - I found it really hard to manage their excitement as I was still just terrified. In hindsight I wish I had been more honest about how I was feeling to reduce some of the overwhelm of others' reactions. We then told wider friends etc after 20w scan. I must admit I still struggle with worries about the pregnancy but I think that's really understandable given our previous experiences - it's so hard to trust our bodies. As for the sun - you'll be a-ok, don't give that a second thought. Deep breaths and remember to do what is right for you, no one else x

Definitely understandable to be worried after mc, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. You’ll start looking pregnant in the next couple of months so definitely worth ripping the bandaid off and telling family sooner!

I would tell them but with the caveat of « we’re excited but nervous and want to have our scan this week just to make sure everything is ok so please keep it just between us for now ». Then you can share the news more widely afterwards when everything is ok.

I completely understand how you feel.
We saw family when I was maybe 14 weeks so told them . I'd have preferred to wait longer. (All was fine, little baby is asleep here beside me).

Maybe have a think about your desire to tell them face to face vs waiting.
Maybe "decide" you won't tell them and go about your day as if that's what you're going to do and see if you feel better (if that makes sense)

It sounds like you shouldn’t tell them yet in terms of how you feel. That’s ok; you don’t owe anyone anything. I guess your DP needs to be told and presumably already has been. That’s it, this is between you and DP tbh.

It’s ok to have ‘secrets’. Don’t make yourself more anxious by telling other people. As a PP said, maybe tell them after the 20 week scan (only cos they’ll suspect something by then otherwise I’d say don’t tell them until a few weeks before the birth).

Congratulations. I’d tell them after the 20 week scan, as we will be if there’s a next time. You’ve had the baby looked at thoroughly at this point so that should put your mind at rest a lot more. Of course, the 12 week one is also an important milestone for testing too so you might feel you can’t wait beyond this point. It’s just a few weeks after the 12 week scan which is around 13/14 weeks by the time results are all back. You can hide a bump at this gestation under floaty dresses and airy blouses this time of year. And, fundamentally, nobody has a right know. I was shocked how I still had such a long time to get through, even though I had reached that 20 week half way point. In my experience, the latter half of pregnancy feels much slower. But maybe that’s just me as, like you, I spent pregnancy very anxious. It was however nicer in the 14 weeks that just me and my husband knew.

If I could (eg if it was covid again although hopefully not! Or if I could hide my bump), I’d wait as late as possible tbh, beyond 20 weeks even. I have found the questions about where the baby is at the end of pregnancy, and the unsolicited/completely uninformed/anecdotal/sometimes insensitive and hurtful advice from well-meaning relatives throughout, has added greatly to my anxiety throughout a pregnancy where I’ve needed lots of extra scans and appointments. There have been times when I have simply stopped answering calls and texts from people being nosey at the end, who never asked how I was feeling earlier. But you might feel different about having a network of support - I just didn’t feel the benefits of it really, beyond a couple of close relatives and friends. All the best.

There’s nothing wrong with holding off a little longer if you want to.

I think it does make it a harder decision when you have children already - I’m not planning on telling my DS until after 20 weeks - but he is a toddler so we can tell other people earlier and ask them not to tell him. If your DC are older that’s not really going to work and they will probably notice by then!

In my last pregnancy I had a 16 week scan because it felt like a long wait between 12 and 20 week scans. We also found out the sex at that scan.
That would be a nice point to tell people if you think 20 weeks is too late

Don’t tell anyone if you don’t want to yet. You don’t ‘owe’ anyone your pregnancy news. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to continue the pregnancy because of medical treatment I needed at the time (condition discovered in early pregnancy), so told no one at all other than DH till I was 19 weeks, because I prefer dealing with that stuff solo.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I don't owe anyone anything. I'd really like to share it especially with my dd but I'm high risk for a number of reasons and just so worried. My partners so excited as it's taken years to come this far, I'm the complete opposite as I can't get out of my own head to even begin to enjoy it. I don't believe it's going to happen. It's quite a lonely place to be mentally and so far has been a real struggle. We won't be telling anyone this weekend. It's only close family we have to tell like parents, siblings and our children. We have no friends and neither of us are part of social media and I wouldn't ever announce anything in social media if we were. I will most likely wait till I'm 20 weeks and avoid family until then, the kids just think I'm fat so that's ok 😂. I know I could probably keep this up for a long time which I also don't think is too healthy to hide it for extended periods of time and unfair on the kids because they will be so excited. I'm a mental wreck haha ! thanks again for everyones input and shared experiences.

Have you tired listening to meditation specifically for pregnancy? I found some on you tube and it helped ease anxiety especially when i went to bed every night, it helped me get to sleep and not overthink.

OP, I found the advice to think that you’re pregnant today helpful. So enjoy each day. They will soon all go by. 😁 Then you’ll have a lovely baby you’ll be worried about instead… It never ends. All the best!

After I miscarried a year ago I'm now 22 - nearly 23 weeks and none of my family know. I haven't been able to tell anybody because I've been too afraid and convinced something would happen if I did. I feel tremendous guilt because with my first I was nowhere near as anxious and spent the pregnancy excited but this one is different.

DH and I did tell DD last week and she was a little uncertain about it but she is starting to talk about it now on her own terms. We are planning on telling family this Friday when my sister is finished taking her GCSES as that's another reason we've held off. Though I'm still at the point where I am dreading it and will certainly feel like I'm jinxing the pregnancy to be successful.

Do what you feel comfortable with. After all it's your pregnancy and there is enough anxiety in that already ☺️