Poor mental health (anxiety) 5 weeks pregnant not sure I can carry on

[Jaystarlight]

As the title states I have recently found out I am pregnant despite being told I could not conceive due to low egg reserve. So came as complete shock. I am on a few threads trying to fit in but it’s time I open up this thread as feel so alone.
I suffer with very complex mental health issues to include Depressive Disorder, Anxiety (mainly health anxiety), PTSD. I am also awaiting assessment for Autism and ADHD.
I have 2 children. One 17 the other 6. Both children I experienced extreme PND and suicidal thinking.
I have some how muddled through with support from my mum at times but she is bow 73 and not in the best health and my partner is not very supportive. He has to work long hours.
I just don’t know whether I can go through with this as life is starting to feel a lot easier now.
The problem is I can’t face a termination as I have experienced loses in the past between children and they have mentally destroyed me. I think of them daily. How old they would be etc. Also my 6 yo is very lonely as his older brother has nothing to do with him at all and they have no relationship. He is such an adorable little boy who deserves a sibling relationship.
I wish I could afford some kind of home help as I have no support network at all.
Not sure how much home help such as nanny’s are.
I am really struggling with my head and can’t think of anything else.
Part of me just wants to end this pregnancy but I can’t face it!
Please no judgment here. I just want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what worked for them and what was the outcome.

Anyone ? X

I think you need to get hold of the perinatal mental health team and your GP.

No other advice I’m afraid but hope you manage to get sorted x

No judgement at all, your feelings and concerns are totally and completely valid and it makes perfect sense you'd be having these worries given all that you've already been through. I agree you need to talk to the perinatal mental health team to devise a suitable care plan going forwards. It's still early days at 5 weeks so they might need to do an early scan to confirm things first but that can be done through epau if you're very anxious (at least where I am I was able to access it). I'd also maybe suggest counselling- I'm not sure what support you're already receiving for your mental health so maybe you've already got something like that in place? I'd try to talk it through with them or maybe you could access something more neutral through family planning. There are different support services available where I'm based that offer support to families where things are tough like free groups, classes, one to one support and they used to do in home support too. I think it's also important to remember that your body is already undergoing loads of hormonal changes as well so that could be making things even tougher for you so that's why specialist support from the midwifery team would be really important. It may be that you're able to decide a plan with them that feels more manageable, or you realise that it isn't the right decision for now. Either way it's your choice, and your reasoning is completely understandable no matter what you decide. Could be worth looking into a nanny or child minder which would be cheaper than nursery, or maybe even a cleaner to come in once a week to take some of the load off? Maybe even price it out with some quotes so you know if it's within your budget or not. Your mum is a little older sure, but could she help you out in your home while you're still around? Maybe have a chat with her about what support she feels would be manageable for her? Maybe playing with your kids in the afternoon so you can rest, or doing some ironing etc I'd let her pick if you're worried about putting too much on her. How does your dh feel about the pregnancy? Does he understand where you're coming from and have you had an honest conversation about the help you'll need? I lost most of my mobility while I was pregnant and had awful hg so my dh picked up all housework. It was tough going he works long and anti social hours but he was able to recognise that it was temporarily what was needed and that he had to step up.

Your feelings are completely valid. Ill answer as blunt as possible though. The guilt you may feel is normal but you have to prioritise your own mental health first. Yes your 6 year old may be happy and benefit with a sibling. But what good would it be to either of them if they don't have a happy mum. I would maybe contact a GP/midwife and speak to someone, a professional opinion may help. But please don't feel guilty at all for any feelings you have, sounds like you've done amazing so far!

@Redpanda21 thank you have done that this morning. :)

@Ilovetea42 Thank you for your lengthy reply. I have called perinatal services today. One minute I am sure I want a termination the next minute I don’t.
I already have a cleaner once a fortnight but feel I just need help daily with the baby for a few hours because my mental health is at its most worrying if I am tired or if my children are unwell. This has led me to feel suicidal in the past.
My OH said it’s my decision he’s not too bothered either way so it’s all on me.
I feel that if I could have the baby and have enough support then I would consider going through with it but that’s no guaranteed.
Cant think about anything else and barely slept all night. X

@sr92 Thank you for you response. I have spoken to the perinatal team today to access some support and look forward to speaking with them.
I have said to my OH that he will need to do a lot more away from work as I can’t do it all alone. I had HG in my last preg too it’s so bad.
Just need to make my mind up. X

Hi op
Have you sorted it out ?