Division of household / baby responsibilities after birth

[Amm868]

I’m 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby and my partner and I are trying to think ahead in terms of who should do what after the birth. I realise that a lot of what I can / can’t do might depend on how the actual birth goes, (whether I end up getting a c-section for example). I’m also planning on breastfeeding.

Can any 2nd (or 3rd / 4th etc) time mums share their experiences on what your routine was like in the first few weeks with a newborn? Should I basically expect to just be feeding and caring for the baby and leaving my partner to do the household stuff or is it better to try to share out the load a bit? Is it realistic that I can do some light housework like cook, wash dishes, etc within the first week?

I’ve been really lucky to not have had many negative symptoms so far in my pregnancy, which means that partner and I are still sharing the household chores 50/50 at the moment, so I’m worried that’s skewing my judgement and making me think that I’ll feel back to normal a few days after birth!

My DH went away to work when my 1st was 5 days old, I sat on the end of the bed and cried, then I realised that I had to get on with it.
If your DP is around I’d plan on feeding and caring for baby only, let him feed you and do household stuff.
when he goes back to work, all you really need to do is keep you and baby clean/fed. If you get anything else done you’re doing well.

Agree with PP. Read up on the fourth trimester. IME DP needs to look after you and you need to look after baby, especially if you’re breastfeeding. That means he’ll need to take on most/all of the chores (some may have to wait because it’s a lot for one person). I was literally stuck to the sofa for hours at a time with cluster feeding. DP would take DS out in the sling for about an hour between feeds so I could rest/shower. Expecting our second so DP will be taking on most of the childcare for our eldest in the early weeks. On about day 3 your milk will come in and you will probably be emotional (very normal) and I don’t know a single person who didn’t have a form of “baby blues”. At about 3w we had a “OMG what have we done” moment. Even if you don’t have a section the first six weeks will be a lot about recovery (a physio told me that it takes about 2 years before you can disregard a woman having given birth “recently”). Obviously everyone is different and things change rapidly so your rhythm with baby and DH will change. At the same time it will feel like an age when you’re in the thick of it. It was about 16w before we got things into a comfortable rhythm (I remember telling a mum group I had showered that day at 10w and it was met with nods and smiles). Take it easy and try not to plan too much.

Batch cook and freeze food for you. I would say up to 3 months worth.

Get a cleaner if possible

Do some exercise daily for one hour.... brisk walk, jog, swim, yoga or gym. This will help keep you physical fit and help mental health.

I think to a degree you are probably better off waiting to see how you feel after the baby arrives. I was up and about pretty quickly after birth, and was happy for DH to take the baby some of the time so I could do other things. I think it probably varies a lot from person to person. One thing I do remember from the early days that saved my sanity was I would go up to bed really early, leaving DH downstairs with the baby, and he would come up a few hours later, so I always got a few hours uninterrupted sleep. That only worked for us because I love an early night, and DH likes to stay up though.

I would say you should be being allowed to just concentrate on recovering and caring for baby and establishing breastfeeding for the first few 2 weeks definitely and ideally 6 weeks (especially if c section). The reality is that breastfed newborn babies often don’t want to be put down and often feed frequently (particularly during the night) plus your trying to physically recover on top of major hormonal shifts also happening. Having realistic expectations and someone to take care of you during that time and having no other demands on you makes such a difference to the experience and not finding it so overwhelming you just decide the breastfeeding is too much.

We were lucky enough to have DMil staying for the six weeks after DT’s were born. DT’s were bottle fed but took a few weeks to get them on the same schedule. My aim was to be showered and dressed at a normal time - helped me get back into a normal routine.
Accept any help you’re offered particularly if it’s making meals, laundry and giving bottles!

Both times when I've had a newborn, my job has been to feed and care for the baby and recover from the birth. DH's job has been to feed and take care of me, plus everything else. With our second, this of course included looking after our elder child. Both my babies were EBF so the division of responsibility was quite clear, although DH also of course cuddled, changed, bathed and walked with the baby as part of bonding with them and caring for me by giving me a break.

This is pretty much what we did, too.

Everyone is different. After a few days I felt fine getting back on with stuff as normal and liked the return to more normality/routine. I do more of the housework but always have and I'm a bit pedantic about it so accept that is fine. We went back to our usual roles quite quickly but equally shared baby duties pretty evenly other than I did the nights because he was at work. Again, I was happy with this as I was on mat leave. I don't personally understand the point in both of you being tired especially when one has to go to work, and if you're breastfeeding you have no option but to be awake 🤷‍♀️

Dont overthink it and do what works for you. I got the nesting bug big style so did get a hell of a lot done pre-birth which was a big relief as we didn't have anything major to tackle for the next year or so. All the odd jobs you've put off, deep clean, annoying errands, sorting out bills/DD etc.

So easy for me first and second time. Just a total baby bubble. My kids both slept for 22 hours a day for the first 6 weeks practically. I didn't need any additional help from my husband with chores we just did it together. Naps, out for lunches while my husband was off. Il never understand why people batch cook and all that jazz, it's so unnecessary.

I breastfed and we agreed my job was keeping baby alive and his was all the housework (especially the first 4 weeks which he had off)
I ended up taking over meal prep after a week or so because I enjoy it l, he doesn't l, and it was a break from baby stuff

I decided that I didn't want him getting up through the night with the baby because I figured I was breastfeeding and had to be up anyway so there was no point us both being tired. We agreed he had to put up with my moods (from being exhausted) and God help him if he said he was tired.... It worked out well as we didn't have any big fall outs and I think if we'd both been sleep deprived that probably wouldn't have been the case

(He did get up a few times to help cause baby was crying and wouldn't stop but I'd say it was less than 8)

Also be kind to yourself, it's wonderful having a baby and you spend so much time staring at them amazed but there was a few times in the early days I sat there at 3am sobbing and hugging my baby because I couldn't stop them crying and I was so tired. It gets a lot easier

I would just wait and see how you feel. There is no need for rigid rules and who cares if the house isn’t sparkling for a few weeks.

I had a section but very quick recovery. I breastfed with a few bottles mixed in to share the load which worked well for us.

By day 2 I wanted to get back to a bit more normality. I love cooking so making dinner was a nice break for me baby free (appreciate it’s not for everyone!). Do you have something you like doing for an hour or two? Make sure you try and keep up with that. We had three weeks off together initially so it was pretty relaxed for us!

You'll be able to do most things if you have a baby without any major problems (reflux) and a straightforward Caesar. But you might not want to because BF can be exhausting expecially if you have had a bad night and you want to catch up on sleep when they do.

My dh does most of the cooking but I'll step up when I've had a good night and so some batch cooking. Also did hellofresh and we have a cleaner fortnightly. That's mainly because we have a toddler too and there's so much day to day cleaning around her.

He should absolutely be stepping up and caring for you and the baby. Such as cleaning, making meals, food shopping. He should be doing this whilst you’re pregnant too.

Thanks for the really helpful comments, everyone! Sounds like the best thing to do is set the expectation that I’ll be caring for the baby and he’ll be taking care of everything else for a few weeks. Then if I feel up to it there’s no harm in me pottering around doing other stuff as well. I do really like to cook, so it’s good to know that some of you have been able to get back into that quite soon after the birth rather than having to rely on batch cooking / DPs.

Well, going against the grain, there's no reason why he can't care for the baby. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed. He can wind, change, settle, etc. I had an uncomplicated birth and wanted to get back to normal as soon as possible so we both just carried on chipping in with everything. We both cooked. We both cared for DD. I breastfed for six weeks, then we swapped to breast with 1-2 bottles per day so he could feed her too and I could get more sleep. Just wait and see how it goes at the time.