How to cope with pregnancy announcements when you’re struggling to conceive?

[TS45]

Myself and my partner (I’m 25, he’s 26) have been TTC for 13 months now.
Yesterday was really hard because I was 4 days late and we felt quite hopeful about it. We took a pregnancy test and it was negative, followed by af about an hour later. We were both devastated as this marked exactly 13 months of trying without any luck. We’ve had no positives at all, only negatives.
We have a doctors appointment for the end of June to see what’s wrong/why this isn’t happening for us.

Straight after getting af yesterday, our doorbell rang. I stayed in the bathroom as I wasn’t ready to see anyone yet. It was my partner’s younger sibling and his girlfriend. They came in so excited and announced that they’re pregnant. They then proceeded to show my partner their scan pictures and told him how they’re still in shock because they weren’t even trying and couldn’t believe it. (They don’t know we’re trying and struggling). I heard every word from the bathroom and literally had to cover my mouth with a towel to muffle my sobs.
Straight after they left, my partner came into the bathroom and cried too.

Now this is the hard part. We really are happy for them. Truly we are. But it’s so hard knowing they didn’t even try whilst we have been, and it feels like a kick to the stomach. Partner has had some family members comment to him that he needs to start getting to baby making quickly if he wants to catch up to his little brother.

The reality of how much we want this and how it may not happen really hits hard. I missed seeing the scan so they’re trying to arrange lunch with me so I can see it.

How do I go to this lunch and let them know I’m happy for them, without showing how secretly devastated I feel that it isn’t me?

please no hateful comments. I’m fully aware I’m being selfish but this is really really hard for me. I just want advice on what to do going forward so I can celebrate them without it making me feel so upset that it isn’t happening for me.

So sorry you're going through this, I know exactly how you feel! I got baby bombed while on the long road of TTC by my little sister, close friend, oldest friend and a few others, all in a month!

Everyone handles things differently but we ended up being very honest about the fact we were trying, and it wasn't happening. We were older than you and your partner so had lots of tick tock clocks ticking remarks and nothing shits that down faster than frankly but without malice saying actually we are trying and it's not happened yet.

Perhaps your partner can message his brother just explaining your situation, and that while you're so so happy for them, you both may be a little muted due to your own personal struggles. If they're good people which I'm sure they are, they will totally understand. They can be happy and excited as well as mindful of your feelings.

I always handled it by remembering that my time would come, and while it was still a journey (IVF due to male infertility we found at sperm parameters test) now that I'm 33 weeks pregnant I have all those trail blazers who went before to support me, ask advice of them and get a lot of lovely stuff from them for my baby ;)

Good luck and keep pushing for tests as it's the best thing we did, best to know as much as possible as there are so many ways to aid a pregnancy these days x

Shuts that down not shits!**

I agree with the previous post, I'd share your struggles and wish them well, they will be excited to know that all being well their baby will have a cousin coming along in the near future and hopefully will be able to support you and understand how you feel as their pregnancy progresses.

If you find it hard to talk about, you can always drop a message just explaining things.

I told the person I was genuinely happy for them and then filled them in a bit on my struggles.

Allow yourself the ugly feelings it's ok xx

It's ok to not be all bouncy and jolly with pregnancy announcements when you're feeling like this. Sometimes I find I feel better a couple of weeks or a month later and can then be more positive about someone else's pregnancy. Obviously it's not that you're not happy for them, it just makes you feel so sad too - it's normal. Give yourself time and get your DP to explain to his brother (or their mum?) the situation so they're not expecting too much from you. That lunch to see the scan pics can fuck off for a start!!!

No further advice other than what's been said but just wanted to say you are not being selfish, it's possible to be happy for them and utterly devastated for yourself at the same time. That sounds like horrid timing all round and it is totally valid to feel like this. Take care of yourself and sending so much baby dust your way for it to happen soon xx

Echoing other posters that opening up about your struggles does help. We didn't tell anyone until we were about 2 and a half years in and starting IVF, and honestly I wish we had told people sooner. You of course don't have to broadcast it to the whole world, but chatting about it candidly to closest friends and family is a relief - TTC and infertility feel isolatinh as is. Even just a brief message explaining your situation as others have said would be a good start to help others be more mindful.

Personally I wouldn't rush the lunch if I were you. Allow yourself time to grieve and to process their news, it will make it easier to get to a point of being able to celebrate with them than if you try to force it/power through.

Another vote for being honest. I've only had support when I've told people about our 5 years of secondary infertility. I did still have some poorly thought out accidental third baby pregnancy announcements made to my face though. Don't go to the lunch if you don't want to. I didn't go to a few events that I would of had to endure and then probably go home and have a cry - don't put yourself through that shit.

I hope you are ok. Having been on a fertility journey for 3 years now with no baby yet I would say you need to look after yourself.
I would ask for a picture of scan photo rather than looking at it in person. Also maybe a coffee as opposed to lunch would be easier to manage, it’s a shorter time together. Good luck x

I cannot imagine how tough this can be.

Just a point of view from the other side, I totally agree with everything said. We're lucky our sister in law has been very open around her and her partner's fertility and conception struggles so we were very aware. When we fell pregnant we made sure that we discussed with my partner and my mum in law who we are all very close to what the best way to tell her was, so that we were being sensitive to her struggles.

I know it can be very difficult to open up about something so vulnerable but it will make them much more aware of why you might not be ready to receive or be excited about news like that.