Not coping mentally with pregnancy :(

[MamaBear2be]

Hi all
Feel so weird posting on here but I really don’t know where else to turn. I’ve spoken to my husband and some family about how I feel but I feel like everyone gives the same old “it’ll be over soon” speech and I cannot deal with it. I feel awful saying how much I hate being pregnant because I know some ladies dream of being able to get pregnant and can’t. I don’t want to be ungrateful, because I love our baby and I can’t wait for him to make his appearance but the pregnancy has me mentally drained.

I’m expecting our first baby in July (currently at 35 weeks) and I have not enjoyed pregnancy one bit. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve only actually physically been sick for about two days out of the whole pregnancy, but I have felt nauseous most days. I don’t think I’ve slept properly since about 16 weeks, I’ve been getting an hour or so in between needing to pee, not being able to get comfortable in bed even with a pregnancy pillow, being unable to actually sleep even if I do get comfortable, and on top of that I’ve had carpal tunnel since 20 weeks. It started with just waking up with my hands tingling like pins and needles, and having to move them to get the feeling back, but since around 26 weeks it has gotten worse. It’s now a searing hot unbearable pain throughout both hands, mainly over night but does happen throughout the day sometimes - no matter what position I sleep in, I end up in agony with my hands. midwife recommended wrist braces, we got them and they’ve done nothing, I’ve done wrist exercises throughout the day, I’ve googled everything I can and tried no end of things and nothing helps.

I feel like I’m mentally at the end of my tether. I’m not under any illusions that I’ll be getting loads of sleep once baby is here - I am aware it will be hard and tiring and I don’t expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows, just feel like the pain and the lack of sleep and having to keep up with everything else daily is just getting on top of me. I feel like no one I’ve spoken to really understands how drained I feel right now, the thought of being in pain at night has me dreading every bedtime even though I’m so bloody tired. I feel like I just want to chop my hands off, they’re causing me so much pain.

It may be a silly question but is there any way that they can get baby out sooner?? I am honestly at my absolute rock bottom mentally, I am so exhausted and so painful 😢 I don’t know if that’s something that’s possible but my mental state is just awful. I just want my body back, I want my hands back, I want to be able to sleep without the worry of waking up in absolute agony. Is this something the midwife can help refer me for? I just honestly don’t know how much longer I can cope. It is dragging even more being in so much pain. The weeks feel like years because I dread going to bed and can’t sleep 😭

is it possible to opt for him out sooner? Is that an unreasonable request? I just worry about how much more I have to deal with this 😢

Honestly I very strongly suggest that you talk to your gp about you're feeling and get a referral in to the perinatal mental health team locally. That way hopefully they can support you before baby arrives but at the very least you'll be in the system once baby is here rather than having to wait til the shit hits the fan postnatally. These teams can be such fantastic support you don't have to feel this way and you don't have to do it alone. Please get some help for the sake of your baby as well as yourself. It's hard having a baby x

It’s totally acceptable to feel the way you feel. Don’t feel guilty. That’s the first thing.

Secondly, many of your issues will vanish the second the baby is out. Doesn’t mean there won’t be others, perhaps, but many of these problems will lift when the baby isn’t inside you any more and using up your resources. Your body will be just for you.

It is possible to induce a baby early, but not by much. And, given your problems, I don’t think it’s a given that your doctors would agree to it - not because of some misogynistic lack of understanding but because truly, unfortunately, in the pantheon of pregnancy problems yours are “just” lots of little ones. It’s a sad fact of human life that the pregnant woman comes after her baby. They’re parasites; we are the hosts. They use us and that’s unfortunately mostly the way it has to be (barring really tragic circumstances).

You really are towards the end now. It won’t feel like it, miserable pregnancies are the worst. But you are. That’s a fact. You’ve probably heard all the mollifying things already so not worth repeating. Just hang in there. It WILL end. Promise.

I’ve been debating bringing it up with the midwife but everyone else has made me feel like it’s such a short amount of time and it’ll be over soon that I worry she’ll say the same thing but they’re not the ones dealing with the pain and getting so stressed about going to bed because of it. I also don’t want to risk any additional stress for once baby is here, I don’t want them to take it the wrong way and think I’m going to hurt him or do anything wrong because I know I would never do anything like that. I’ve got so much patience, and I know if I ever got overwhelmed by the baby that I can put him in his cot all safe and go to cool off. I am just in absolute agony, I just want to be able to get a bit of sleep without being in so much pain. I worry that people will get it wrong and I don’t want to risk something stupid like social services becoming involved because of how I feel now 😢 I just really do not enjoy all the horrible parts I’ve experienced of being pregnant and all I see is everyone banging on about “how amazing” being pregnant is 😢 x

I really appreciate your response. I feel like so many people make pregnancy out to be this amazing experience that is all flowers and beautiful moments, it just feels like I’ve not had that at all. Everyone keeps saying “are you enjoying it?” And when I say no and explain why, I get the whole “oh you don’t enjoy feeling him move?! You don’t enjoy even one thing?!” It’s not that at all, I LOVE when he moves, I love when he kicks and I poke back and we do that for ages. I just do not enjoy the pain and discomfort that I’ve felt for the majority of the pregnancy. People make me feel like I’m the odd one out for not being so “in love” with being pregnant.

I’ve had such a bad experience - then I get the whole “oh will you have another?” absolutely not, and then it’s “oh you will; you’ll forget about the little things”. They aren’t little things to me; they’re things that are affecting my day to day life, my sleep and, because of the lack of sleep, my mental state.
It feels so bloody hard at the minute, I just can’t wait for him to actually be here, I feel so exhausted 😢

Mental health teams do not think you will harm your baby. People that harm their babies are very unlikely to be known to a perinatal mental health service. PMHT are there to support people struggling with pre or post natal depression or anxiety mostly, sometimes ocd, and other stuff like dealing with pain or other stressors. Tell your midwife and don't dismiss what she'll think before even asking. If you have carpal tunnel it might take a while to settle down even after baby comes so it might be good to have some support

I’ve got a midwife appointment on Monday so would it be best to just wait until then to speak to her or should I text her in the morning?
I’ve never had to deal with anything regarding mental health for myself, I’ve always just dealt with problems as they come but this feels like such a different ball game altogether for me. I feel stupid even posting about it, I hate making problems.

I don't really have any advice, only solidarity and sympathy. I, too, loathed being pregnant. I just wanted to say that hating being pregnant is okay. You can hate being pregnant and be grateful you're having a healthy baby at the same time.

I also found that although my eldest was a horrendous sleeper, when I slept I actually could sleep because I was comfortable.

Can you speak to your GP about the carpal tunnel, instead of your midwife? I think you can get steroid injections or something to help? Or they can help with pain relief options?

thank you lovely. I feel like everyone I’ve spoken to seems to think me saying I hate being pregnant is me saying I hate my baby, which is absolutely not true. I cannot wait to have him, I just hate the pain and discomfort I’ve had through the majority of my pregnancy. It’s bloody hard - I just want to be comfortable when sleeping again. My husband has been amazing - he massages my hands to try and get them to feel better, he’s forever asking what I need, if I seem to be sleeping okay then he leaves me in bed and gives me a lie in, tries to get me to nap during the day if I can.

The carpal tunnel only started during pregnancy so I never really thought to bring it up with a doctor, I mentioned it to the midwife and she suggested wrist braces which don’t help. she said it should go once baby is here, so I never bothered thinking about the gp. I might see if they can suggest anything better for the remaining time to make it easier though!

You're not alone to feel like this, I have a DD (19) my pregnancy with her I was 21 and bulletproof (apart from the placental abruption and losing 5L of blood lol), no problems, sailed through it.

My son is 14 months (he was a surprise baby) and that pregnancy was awful. For context I work in obstetrics, in Fetal Medicine after 12 years of labour ward), so you can imagine seeing the things we do... it was a very anxious time. Spotting at 5 weeks (subchorionic hematoma which resolved around 14 weeks), gestational diabetes, severe hyperemisis which led to a few hospitalizations and in total I lost 9 stone through all the puking (I had a lot of weight to lose but wasn't good losing it that way lol), I was miserable.

Currently 37 weeks with a little girl and this time round no sickness, being treated as gestational diabetic but technically not (just checking my blood sugars, no medication) but the carpal tunnel has absolutely broken me, like yourself the splints did sweet FA for me, I still wear them but I genuinely don't feel they help me in the slightest. Barely sleep, despite my 14 month old sleeping like a log I can't get comfy, and when I do I need to pee or restless legs kick in. Again, like yourself I feel guilty because I know some people dream of this and I've been very, very lucky for this to happen for me not once, but twice, especially without trying. But I've been miserable. My c section is booked for Thursday, pre op bloods tomorrow morning. I'm just done.

Please don't suffer like I did and not speak up, talk to your midwife. Induction before 38 weeks is only done under certain circumstances (if a big risk to you or bubs for it to go any longer) for good reason, it's to give the best possible and safest start and their lungs, stomach etc reaching better maturity levels. Your midwife can refer you for a consultation to get some clarity and scope on the situation so please talk to them.

You can do this ❤️

I feel your pain. I had 3 miscarriages and then a successful pregnancy and it was honestly hell. Not only was I terrified every day that something would happen to my baby but on top of that I had 'morning sickness' all the way through right to the bitter end, had horrible reflux, PGP which left me really struggling to walk or even turn over in bed and eventually gestational diabetes too. I really wanted to murder whoever came up with the term morning sickness. Somehow people expect you to get better over the course of the day. Mine woke me up at night too. I needed to eat really regularly to keep it to minimum and the diabetes caused problems with that. In the end DD decided to put in a surprise appearance at 34 weeks. We don't know why, spontaneous labour. I was so relieved to have it over with and get her safely in my arms that I actually enjoyed my labour. If anyone should have been all sunshine and flowers about being pregnant it should have been me and i really was not. Just miserable, sore and waiting down the weeks. It wasn't all plain sailing when she got there though. She had a poor suck reflex as a result of being early and low blood sugars due to my diabetes. It took days to get her feeding and she fought very effectively against any other form of milk than mine and managed to literally throw all the cups and syringes they used to try and get formula in her everywhere despite being too weak to cry. In the end we ended up in special care for a feeding tube. While I was on the ward before the feeding tube the 35 week baby in the bed opposite ours just spontaneously stopped breathing. That was horrific.

Please go and speak to your midwife. They take maternal mental health seriously, won't blame you and you won't be instantly seen as a threat to your own baby. They won't agree to whip baby out now as even this late on there can be complications but they may well agree to give you a date for a planned section or induction at 38 or 39 weeks. At least then you will know how long you have left. That will help. I will pray for you that you have a stubborn little madam like mine who decides she needs to see the world NOW and gets on with it before then.

P.s. mine is now 5 and doing great but is not getting a sibling under any circumstances. I am not doing that again.

I hear you, I did not rock the pregnancy life. I put on my big girl pants and just tried to suck it up but I came to the conclusion that these women that love pregnancies are clearly on a different planet.

The pain, the lack of sleep, I also had wrist issues and was unable to hold a pen, Itched like mad and had to get tested but I made it and you will too.

Talk to your midwife about your mental health, reach out to the Dr about the wrists (although I didn't really get much help .. I can confirm it literally disappeared post birth). Sleep as much as you can and go swimming.

Baby will be here soon and the madness will be over shortly.

In conclusion I believe pregnancy is just a test to show you what life as a parent can be like... especially in the early years yawn.

The midwife isn’t best placed for carpal tunnel, see your GP about that - there may not be any quick cure but it’s worth a try at least. Physio referral as a minimum I would think, ask for it if they don’t suggest it. Maybe painkillers?

Have you finished work? If not, would starting mat leave now help? You could go to lots of antenatal yoga and massages, coffee, walks in the sunshine.

Please stop beating yourself up about this. You feel ill, you’re not enjoying it, that’s perfectly natural. You’re not ungrateful, you’re in pain. It’s society that’s suggesting you shouldn’t feel bad, but society isn’t helping you so it can piss off. Get angry if you need to, shout, kick a pillow.

Best of luck, feel better soon. Give your baby a poke from us 🙂

I have had a pregnancy plagued with issue after issue after issue. It's draining. I hate pregnancy and will tell anyone who'll listen how much I despise it. I hate being fobbed off as well and dismissed as another moaning woman. But that's a whole other thread.

As pps have said speak to your midwife. I know someone who has been recently delivered via section early due to poor mental health whilst pregnant. They do, listen and will advise you. This lady was severely suffering and they delivered her at 38 wks plus 2. Her circumstances were different to yours. And, obviously this option may not be available to you.

It's always worth having the conversation and getting information to help with the choices that are available to you. They may be able to help you cope in other ways. Just because you need support doesn't make you a bad mother or more likely to harm your baby. It makes you human.

Take it one step at a time and personally, I wouldn't wait foe your next appt. Call them in the morning.

Your feelings are totally understandable!

I'm only 14 weeks, and literally 2 days into my sickness at 6 weeks I was already swearing I would never do it again. I adore my little baby and would be so devastated if anything went wrong, but I already haven't enjoyed pregnancy so far and I've not had even a quarter of the issues you have had. You can absolutely love your baby more than anything but dislike pregnancy. I told my DH my new mission in life is to make it so he can carry any more 😂.

Please speak to your midwife and get the support you need x

You're not alone! I'm also 35 weeks and due in July although having a c section in June, this is my second baby and I have absolutely hated being pregnant both times.

My morning (all day) sickness still hasn't gone at 35 weeks, I'm throwing up all the time, I'm uncomfortable all the time, I'm struggling with insomnia and getting about 3-4 hours asleep a night (and then having to look after a toddler), I have constant heartburn, I need a wee all the time, I have PGP and can't walk for more than a few mins, I'm just miserable.

Honestly I found the newborn stage and absolute breeze compared to pregnancy especially late pregnancy. I was nowhere near as tired as when I was pregnant, I mean yes I was obviously still tired but it was different. And I didn't have heartburn and I could walk and I could get comfortable and sleep lots.

I would suggest asking for a referral to the perinatal mental health team. I'm having a c section due to trauma from my last birth and the earliest they'd do it is 39 weeks but at least that's 2 weeks earlier potentially then if I'd waited for a spontaneous labour.

I echo others, definitely speak to your midwife to make sure you have the right support around you. I don’t want to scare you, but I was told the carpal tunnel would clear up as soon as DD was born, but 5 months on it’s still sore, although thankfully nowhere near as bad as it was when I was pregnant. I’d just hate for you to think it’ll definitely disappear as soon as baby arrives as that’s not always the case.

You need to see a GP about the carpal tunnel because you really are going to need your hands so much soon with a newborn, no guarantee it'll suddenly stop.
Do bring up your mental health, but that might also be better with the GP.
I had severe issues with ex during late pregnancy, told the midwife and nothing. Then after I gave birth and raised it again with midwives coming out, they recorded it as postnatal depression. I didn’t have that at all, they were just covering themselves.
It's still on my record 10 years later.

I hate being pregnant so much! And those last few weeks drag the worst. All mine were two weeks overdue 😩 I tried everything. Trampolining, raspberry tea, superhot curry, overexercising. Nothing worked. You do forget, because you have no wish to remember, and also because the intensity of the new baby overtakes it in your mind.

There's nothing wrong with you. It's normal to loathe it and want to punch people who ask how you are in the face, but just can't be bothered crossing the room to do it. Yay good luck OP.

I could have written your exact post when I was pregnant, hated every second, I was so ill! I ended up having a premature baby so be careful what you wish for! But even so, I remember being in the recovery room and thinking thank god I'm not pregnant anymore - I felt better post c section than I did in pregnancy.
I also found the newborn stage a walk in the park after an awful pregnancy - I got more sleep, felt great, had my fitness back, could eat and drink what I wanted again, and had a lovely cuddly baby. I think people who have an easy pregnancy find the newborn stage harder because they aren't used to the lack of sleep etc! So you have that to look forward to 😊

@MamaBear2be I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. To echo what others have said, I am also not enjoying being pregnant. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies like it’s portrayed to be in the media. You are definitely not alone but it does sound like you are suffering even more than most. I hope you get the support you need from your doctors and midwife.