IVF/chemical pregnancy

[ivfnewbie2]

Hi all,
I’m just at the beginning of a chemical pregnancy and going from the highs of a confirmed pregnancy to this has been a challenge. I found out Friday things had gone wrong and whilst dealing with this silently I was spending the weekend at my family home (2hrs away) as it was my nephews communion. My brother was also home from Australia and sharing his fantastic news that he was going to become a Daddy and his lovely fiancée was pregnant. I kept my news to myself and shared in their delight whilst internally feeling shattered.

My partner (same sex) is very much a glass half full person and was sure there was a mistake with results until I got the final confirmation on Monday. She is unlike me in that I wear my heart on my sleeve and she tends to bottle things up. I feel things emotionally very hard even if they don’t impact directly on me. My partner on the other hand blocks things out and will distract herself to no end. Over the past few days I am processing things and have been upset and emotional on occasion and had another cry today after getting off the phone with my mum. My partner will ask why I am crying when she sees me upset and finds it difficult to provide emotional support. She was also very tuned out of the whole ivf process and no awareness for the toll it can take. She did help with giving injections which I am very thankful for but after that there was no real empathy and it has continued over the past few days.

I’m just really struggling to connect with her on an emotional level so we can share what we are experiencing but the best I can get out of her is “it’ll work next time”.

She is keeping busy the next few evenings with work nights, trainings etc and has tried to get me to go visit her family this evening and even possibly take one of her nieces to a kids training. I told her no that I wasn’t up to bringing her niece to training as I’m still waiting for the CP to pass and really not in the form to be interacting with people. She’s left to go visiting her family and to training like nothings happened. I know that’s her way of getting on with things and life must go on and I know it will soon enough but at the minute I feel guilty for lazing on the couch and have been doing chores to show her I haven’t been wallowing in self pity for the day. I know she’s going through this too and conscious of her feelings but am I wrong for wanting more emotionally?
Sorry for the long post :)

@ivfnewbie2 Sorry for your loss. I don’t think any of you are wrong 🫶🏻 people just deal with things differently. I would sit your partner down and tell her how you feel and that you would just like a bit more compassion because sometimes people are so used to just getting on with it when things go wrong they don’t know they are doing it ♥️

@ivfnewbie2 i have had almost the exact same situation with our first ivf transfer. My friend who was pregnant was having her baby shower when I was going through the miscarriage. I told her that I couldn't manage and explained why and she's never asked or really messaged since. So even if you are open and honest it doesn't always help others understand or care enough to put their lives aside.

My dh was the same. We've just had the frozen transfer and he still thinks that this will be the one. I just can't think about it in a positive way at all.

There is nothing wrong with you dealing with things differently to your partner and I would say the best thing I did was come off social media, avoid family, children and friends. I didn't see anyone other than work folk in over 2 months. It was tough but dh continued like normal. I don't get it but just different people. Opposites attract I guess. He also didn't believe the miscarriage when I knew soemthing wasn't right.

I did however confide in friends via messages, the ones who have been there for me and only spoke to my dh when I knew my emotions weren't controlling my feelings. It is extremely tough and that underlying feeling doesn't go away any time soon. You do what you think is best for you and definitely try to have a drink or lots of pizza or chocolate or whatever you do to relax or enjoy something and then you can pick yourself back up and carry on and you'll be stronger to be who you are and appreciate you are emotional and can connect to others who are going through similar. You've done nothing wrong.

Thanks so much for your replies
@Fox01so sorry to hear about your MC and I have my fingers and toes crossed for you for this transfer!!! And I agree with the social media etc and taking time out from it all.
@Unicorn2023 yes very true with regards to people handling things differently and I know we are exactly like that, for me at the moment it’s just the insensitivity.

My bleed started in the middle of the night and I’ve had horrible pains today, struggling to stand upright. She just says to me that she asked to to buy mascara on Mon/Tue, how come I didn’t? Stunned I point out that I found out I was going to miscarry on Monday (Tues was a blur) and had a tear roll down my cheek, she rolled her eyes and walked off. 10minutes later just walks around like nothing happened. Trying to explain where I’m at emotionally is like water of a ducks back.
Apologies as I may seem harsh and have tunnel vision and I know she’s not a bad person it’s just frustrating.

@ivfnewbie2 I wasn’t going to say this but I have had 5 miscarriages two with IVF it takes a lot out of you my latest was April I had a MMC at 11 weeks and I lay on the couch and done nothing and seen no one except my partner for a week the last thing on my mind is socialising when I was so sad and angry! please make yourself a wee bed on the couch and only get up if ur going to get pain killers, Hot water bottle or chocolate. After reading your update I’m so sad for you I was giving her the benefit of the doubt but treating you like that over mascara is not on! Going through this is heartbreaking 💔 mentally and physically 🤗 she needs to understand that not only are you having a miscarriage your body still has all those injections and progesterone in your body which needs to settle again and your head is all over the place I honestly get it and you need to think of yourself even if she isn’t please take the time to grieve your loss and rest xx

@Unicorn2023 oh my gosh, I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. You are a very strong lady and to have the strength to provide kind words to others in spite of your own heartache is really amazing. Such a rollercoaster and I hope you are doing ok!

@ivfnewbie2 Thank you that means a-lot 🤗 I am getting there one day at a time ♥️ I really hope you are resting and take your time to heal from this. sending you lots of love and hugs and I hope your partner comes round and realises you need her more than she will ever know right now 🤗♥️

I couldn't not reply to you as I've been in a similar situation, though not through IVF. I've had 3 CPs over the last couple of years and the latest one in January this year, where we thought it was going to stick but didn't. My OH, like yours, was very unsympathetic when I started bleeding one day even we were out for a walk. He was upset because we couldn't go for our walk so I just had to put on a sanitary towel and carry on. I was very early, only about 5 weeks, but I was passing big clots in work as I couldn't take any time off and like your partner he didn't seem to get it. What I wanted to say is take sympathy from where it comes, my friends were AMAZING and got my through it. You need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, because this is a loss. I don't know how far along you were, but as soon as you see that line, you have hope of the little person to come abd when that's taken away from you, whenever it is, it's heartbreaking. Sending you all my love xxx