I can't figure out where my heads at :-(

[MorellaSky]

So I found out I am pregnant, around 6-7 weeks. We were ttc previously but over the past year and a bit, I have had 2 quite traumatic miscarriages. So we decided to stop due to the impact it had on my mental health and body. So hubby is on the list for a vasectomy. It seems like we must of messed up at some point or I ovulated unusually straight after my period. Anyway, I'm pregnant and really can't figure out how I feel.

My initial feeling was shock and happiness but as time has passed, I'm am feeling numb. I don't feel excited or happy. I'm constantly expecting to miscarry again. I'm not bonding with the pregnancy and I have even questioned if to go ahead with it!!! I was so close to filling out a BPAS referral today. I've never felt like this about my past pregnancies. I just can't get into it. Hubby is over the moon.

I wish I knew what is going on in my head. It's not normal to feel like this on what I know is normally an amazing time.

You're just reasonably scared after traumatic experiences. I think you will massively regret it if you do abort but it is your choice at the end of the day.
It will be worth it all if you finally get your bundle of joy at the end of this x

Hey OP, sounds like a really rational response to everything you've experienced so far regarding pregnancy. You might strongly associate being pregnant with a lot of emotions (fear, sadness, pain) and your head is trying to protect you from that by not really considering the pregnancy and possible future outcomes, and is even trying to abort to avoid you experiencing those same feelings again. You may also, given the decision for your husband to have a vasectomy, have come to terms with not having children, and this would be a complete reversal of that. Your husband's joy might be really confusing, because you might think he's not taking into account your experiences and feelings.

All this is mostly to say that this is a really emotionally complicated situation, and the way you're feeling makes total sense. Were you offered any NHS counselling for your previous miscarriages? It might help to talk to someone non-judgemental about your feelings, and you can see if that's something that would be offered (or go private, if that's possible). You could also contact your local midwives and see if you can be referred to the perinatal mental health team in your area, as they might also be good to talk to.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

Thank you both for your kind replies. It gave me a lot to consider and sorry it took so long to acknowledge you both, but it allowed me to take some time to think.

I spoke to my husband and we decided to go for a scan. His thought, to put my mind at ease and meet the baby. My thought, to confirm that this was a failing pregnancy like the others and allow me to deal with it quickly to avoid the trauma from last time. However, I am very pleased to say that we saw a healthy 7 week fetus with a strong heartbeat and the relief I felt was unmistakable. Today is the first day that I can actually say, I am accepting and I can see this one making it into our lives.

I wanted to update this to share with anyone going through early pregnancy shutting themselves off to protect themselves, it's OK. The trauma is very real and be kind to yourselves. The advice given to me above really made me realise that my defense mechanism had really kicked in.