Fear of stillbirth

[NC2023678]

Hi all

Just looking for advice here please, we TTC for five years including two IVF cycles, for our first embryo transfer we had a miscarriage.

This pregnancy had gone well. I’m nearly 37 weeks and really there have been very few complications but I’m so scared of stillbirth. We have one older child who is ten years old. I think about having to tell him that the baby didn’t make it . I almost wish he didn’t know I was pregnant so that I wouldn’t have to tell him in case it doesn’t work out. We have had lovely times excitedly thinking about baby but as the due date approaches I’m terrified my dreams will all be taken away.

I had a traumatic birth with my son which also adds to my fears, he was born not breathing and blue and needed to be resuscitated. It took 3 minutes before we heard him cry. He was still unwell and was put on antibiotics, his markers were up for infection after two days so the antibiotics continued and they checked for meningitis with a lumber puncture which was so scary. I can’t help but replay all this in my mind and think the same will happen again or worse. I don’t know what I want from this post, just really can anyone relate? I’m scared and I don’t know how to handle it 😞

My husband, mum and best friend just tell me I need to think positively about it, but I don’t know how. It’s almost as if if I stay in this zone of expecting the worse I won’t get hurt. But it is hurting me, it’s causing me so much pain

Have you said this to your midwife? I think you’d be best to tell them so they can help ease your anxiety. Would you feel better if you had a different birth this time and had a csection at 39 weeks so it wasn’t long to go? The only thing I can suggest before baby arrives is just keep yourself so busy that you can’t even think about the baby if that’s possible. Go on days out, do loads of random things and just block it out until the day comes for baby to arrive. I felt the same but my fear last time was that I was going to die. On the days after my baby was born I was actually pinching myself like I really hadn’t expected to still be there! But the odds are very much in your favour and I’m sure it will all work out really well.. good luck 😊

Thank you, your post really helped. I am seeing my midwife in a few weeks time and will mention my feelings to her, I think a slightly early induction will help

I’m currently 37 weeks and I feel exactly the same. I’m imagining my maternity leave just grieving.
It’s hard to go through this and you have my sympathy.
The previous poster is right, all we can do is try and distract ourselves as best as we can.
I’m having a c-section at 39+2 and wish it was sooner.

I found it helpful to look at the actual statistics for stillbirth and realise how small they are. We are bad at big numbers, so finding a way to create those odds (we did this with a complex set of dice, but you could maybe do it with likelihood of getting a certain hand of cards) until you get a better feel for them. We were trying to recreate 1/93 odds, which is way, way higher than stillbirth and I found it very comforting.

I did a rough calculation now and you are looking at a .021% chance, so... 99.979% chance of no stillbirth this week. Everyone is different, but I find framing it this way personally helpful.

I think it's very usual to put a traumatic birth out of your mind a bit, especially if you've been preoccupied with TTC and IVF, and then it all comes back again as another birth approaches.

It feels really hard to imagine that another birth will be different.

I agree with telling your midwife, if she seems approachable. Call her before your apt if you need to - a few weeks is a long time to wait. It won't make your fears go away, but it maybe that she will agree to recommending a slightly earlier delivery.

I was traumatised after my first birth (different reasons) and being induced early, and knowing that was going to happen if I wanted it to, really helped. It sort of put a limit on the time that I could worry about the birth, iykwim.

Best of luck, hope this birth goes smoothly.

I understand the fear you are feeling OP after your miscarriage/IVF/difficult time after having your DC but you will have your little one in your arms soon. It is understandable why you are feeling anxious and worried about stillbirth. Sometimes hard to feel positive with the journey you have been on.

I was one of the unlucky parents to have lost my Baby at birth but unknown to me at the time, I had an infection which affected 1 Baby in 10000. The devastation was unbearable and heartbreaking. I suffered a miscarriage as well after losing my baby boy so when I was expecting again, I was so anxious to the point I didn't prepare anything for our baby until they arrived. I thought my baby would died. Couldn't get the feeling out of my mind. My midwife was amazing and even when I knew I was in safe hands due to having regular scans/checkups, I still couldn't completely let myself believe everything would be ok.
Things were ok, I had a beautiful little boy who is now 11. He is my world.
Everything will be fine and you will bringing your little one home to meet their big brother. Goodluck with everything.

Please speak with your midwife. I had a stillbirth in 2021, and I gave birth to a healthy baby 8 weeks ago. I was convinced that my baby was going to die until I heard her cry. I had a lot of therapy and coping methods in place.

You can do this OP.

Thank you all for your kind messages, I really appreciate it. I’m so sorry to hear your trauma experiences too. But it is beautiful to know you have little ones in your arms now. 💕

I actually called my midwife yesterday and she said she could schedule in an induction for 40 weeks. I wonder if this is a bit too late as it’ll mean I’ll probably go over 40 weeks. But on the offer hand maybe will be more ready, not sure whether to ask them to bring it forward…

I’ve also self reserved myself to IAPT talking therapies, does anyone have any experience of this? X

Hey, I’m a midwife and totally understand your feelings. You do put it out of your mind then the fear creep in. Definitely speak to your midwife.
with my first i had a difficult birth, emergency CS, he was born in poor condition, went to NNU and was found to have E. coli meningitis. We remained in for almost two weeks, followed by a week of daily hospital trips for antibiotics. I just kind of got on with it, then when I was about 25weeks with my second the fear came in, remembering back to the time I was told how unwell he was, fear of another emergency CS, not holding him etc. I had a long chat with a colleague going through it all and it definitely helped. My second born was grand, no issues with him and the birth was challenging but I was happy enough.
im now 36 and pregnant with my 3rd and I suspect some fears will creep in again in a few months.

Thank you @Mummyme87 and I’m very sorry you also had a traumatic first birth. Great to hear your second birth was lovely and I’m wishing you all the luck for your third. I am definitely going to speak to my midwife. Thank you for your advice 💕