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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Telling friend about my pregnancy following her 12w loss

13 replies

Starling543 · 22/05/2023 19:40

Hi all
I would appreciate some advice on this situation.
I have a group of around 6 friends, we try to meet up monthly and have a group chat.
One of my friends very sadly lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks last year. Nobody in the group has been pregnant since and none of us have children.
I am now pregnant and coming up to 12 weeks and struggling with when to tell her and my other friends as I know the news could be upsetting for her. We are meeting in June but it will be too early to tell them at that stage as I won't have had my 12w scan by then. Our next meeting is in July when 4 of us are going on a spa weekend, I will be 16w by then. I feel it will be difficult to hide the pregnancy then as won't be drinking and they will see me in a swimsuit.
I plan to tell my friend individually by text before announcing to the group and plan to tell them all on the group chat rather than face to face to make it easier for her.
My question is
A- should I tell her after the 12w scan. My worry is she might feel uncomfortable coming to the spa weekend with me at 16w and she has already paid for it (it was pricey)
B - wait until after the spa weekend, hope nobody notices and tell her after so if she is upset she doesn't need to see me for a while

Maybe I am over thinking this but just want to be as kind as possible. Thank you in advance for any advice 🙂

OP posts:
Sunshine202341 · 22/05/2023 19:46

Sounds like you are being very considerate! I would tell her by message after your 12 week scan and then it gives her the choice to decide what she would like to do with the spa. On a side note if you don’t tell them before the spa and hope they won’t notice you won’t be able to use the jacuzzi or saunas or anything so they might guess!

Savvy21 · 22/05/2023 19:51

I lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks and numerous friends have become pregnant since. I appreciated being told by text so I could concentrate on being happy for them when I saw them and deal with any emotions beforehand. Have had friends who have not told me and I've guessed because they weren't drinking etc and that was more upsetting than being told. Hope the scan goes well :-).

mummyh2016 · 22/05/2023 19:52

You need to say before the spa day, it will be obvious when you can't use sauna, hot tub etc plus if you're having treatments you'll have to tell the therapist anyway.
How close are you? I would consider telling her before she has to pay for the spa day but I get it if you think it's too early.

PurBal · 22/05/2023 19:54

Definitely A. Drinking aside… you can’t use the hot tub / sauna / steam room or have some treatments at a spa when pregnant. So even if you weren’t showing I don’t think it would be easy to hide.

Thea91 · 22/05/2023 19:58

Congratulations! I had 3 miscarriages before my DS. I am sure she will really appreciate how considerate you are being . I would tell her via phone / text following your 12 week scan whichever you think. This way she can digest it on her own/with her partner and won't feel like she has to hide any initial upset from you which she would if it was f2f. It will also give her time to come to terms with it ahead of your spa day so you can all enjoy it .

I remember once being told in a pub someone was pregnant, and within 5 minutes I was sobbing! X

Overthebow · 22/05/2023 20:01

Tel her before the spa day. It will be really obvious on the spa day as you won’t be able to go in the sauna, steam room or hot tubs with your friends, and will only be able to have certain treatments. It would be very hard not to guess.

anon067 · 22/05/2023 20:11

I'd text her after your scan. She'll probably have a little cry about it (I once had to go cry in my car after being told in person) but will hopefully have digested everything by the time the spa comes around.

Congratulations

TeaKitten · 22/05/2023 20:15

You need to tell her before the spa, you might be showing and you won’t be drinking, eating certain things or enjoying various aspects of a spa, shel end up working it out and itl ruin it for her. Do it by text as soon as you feel ready.

Janefx40 · 22/05/2023 20:17

I messaged my friend who was in similar situation to say that I had some news that might be triggering for her and would she like to chat on the phone or how would she like me to tell her. That gave her a clue what was coming without saying it. She scheduled a time and we talked. It helped that I knew the kind of language she knew around it (like calling it triggering) and also that I had also had a loss and a hard time getting pregnant.

squarezero · 22/05/2023 20:19

It's so nice of you to think of this. I have lost 4 pregnancies and would definitely prefer to be told by text beforehand.

The risk with going to the spa without saying anything is that one of the others might notice and ask you, at which point you'd then share your news with her there and I think that might hit hard.

I'm sure she'd really appreciate it if you're able to understand that she might be upset by your news (even though she may also be happy for you). It sounds like you already get this though.

I had a friend who was careful to tell me one on one in a sensitive way, but then followed up a week later with scan photos and "baby chat" in the group WhatsApp. For the avoidance of doubt, please don't do this!

Rabbitjungle1 · 22/05/2023 20:52

Agreed with all of the above, @Starling543 - definitely tell her via a Whatsapp or text message well in advance of the spa day, so she has the option to drop out if she doesn't feel up to it. And please know that if she does decide to give it a miss, it is nothing personal ❤️

I agree with @squarezero regarding managing your WhatsApp group. I've had two missed miscarriages in the last 9 months and both times had a close friend in my friendship group due at the same time I would have been. It's been hard seeing them reach milestones that I felt/feel I should also have been going through, but I think it would have been a lot harder if the group chat we are part of together had been taken over with baby chat. I think out of kindness and respect they both kept that to a minimum and told other friends outside of the whatsapp group setting. It won't mean you don't get to enjoy your lovely news and share it with other people, just that you'll share it with others face-to-face or individually 🙂

I second everything that's been said about how considerate you are. The fact that you're being so thoughtful about how to approach this shows you'll go about it the right way, which will mean a lot to your friend.

Arxx · 22/05/2023 23:35

I had a similar situation and did the same and texted it to her so she could ‘fake’ (in the nicest way possible) her reaction and not have to put on a smile or say how happy she was for me in person. In your situation I think you’re probably going to have to text it at 12 weeks to allow enough time for the dust to settle before the spa day so it’s not fresh news by then. If you don’t say anything before that you might find that a lot of the spa stuff you can’t actually do (hot tub, sauna, steam room etc) and it would be worse to end up forced to tell them in a situation like that I think

Original poster
Starling543 · 23/05/2023 09:58

Thank you all so much for your input and kind words, it has been really helpful xxx

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