Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

2nd pregnancy considering abortion

20 replies

Mumlyf1986 · 21/05/2023 17:08

Hi everyone
I’m expecting abusive messages after this post, but if you could be so kind as to read with compassion I’d really appreciate your thoughts on my situation.
So hear it goes.
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant second time around, currently at just 3 weeks pregnant.
I’ve got one 2.5 year old who I love more than life itself. She’s my whole life and I’d do anything for her, was excited for her arrival and the pregnancy.
I’ve had a tough time since having her struggling with mental health and my partner travelling abroad often without notice.
we did want to try for another child but not for another 6 months really, it just so happened that this happened now.
My reaction when we found out on Thursday was shock sadness and anger. I haven’t been able to shift those feelings. I have to be honest I don’t want this now and I want it to go.
I’ve already got the pills to end this now.
I don’t know what to do as guilt is holding me back.
I also start a new job in 2 weeks time which doesn’t impact my decision on this but is a factor in a way I guess.
I just don’t know if I can handle it all.

please let me know your thoughts, if you have been through anything similar, if it’s an awful thing to do or if it’s ok as I’m not ready and ok to try again.
I feel so alone.

my partner is supportive either way.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/05/2023 17:22

It’s your call of course op. But if it was me, no I couldn’t terminate a pregnancy in these circumstances - you are in a happy relationship and are planning another child, it’s purely that it’s happened too early? I think you need to seek some counselling/speak to someone to help you see the big picture.

Trixiedrum · 21/05/2023 17:28

I wouldn’t judge you, but I do wonder what difference a few months would make? It seems extreme to me to terminate a pregnancy over nothing more than a few months difference in timing.

I would look at counselling before you decide anything, there are various free services if you Google.

catchthedog · 21/05/2023 17:30

I think I'd be same as the above poster. at 3 weeks i would be "comfortable" taking the tablets as its so early on but... 6 months is absolutely no time at all, so I can't see why you would abort if you were going to try again in such a short space of time. if you were thinking years then that would be different.

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 21/05/2023 17:33

It sounds like you're panicking and need to talk things through with someone. What will be different in 6 months? Honestly I couldn't abort knowing you would be hoping to get pregnant in November and have a baby in 2024 anyway.

iamnotanalcoholic70 · 21/05/2023 17:40

I found out I was pregnant with number 2 when number 1 was about 18 months old and being a little shit. I spent the whole pregnancy worried about how I would cope with 2. My husband worked long hours and wasn't a great support at the time. It was fine. There were some difficult times, but I don't remember them now. Eldest is now 20, and second child is almost 18. They are best friends and have a wonderful bond.
You need to do what's best for you.

gogohmm · 21/05/2023 17:41

Firstly I do not judge you or anyone in similar circumstances, your first priority is to your existing child then to yourself and your dp.

Secondly I would approach it from the angle of what is the worst case scenario if you continue, career, financial etc? Can you manage currently. Tgen would you be heartbroken if you cannot conceive when you try in more favourable circumstances, but also what will be different in 6 months.

I personally couldn't in your situation, and didn't, I conceived unexpectedly meaning 2 kids close together, but I don't jusdge those who feel their priority is to not disadvantaging their existing family

Original poster

Mumlyf1986 · 21/05/2023 18:10

Thanks everyone for your replies.

If I'm honest I think I'm shitting myself.

I've been feeling so unstable since having my first and getting to grips with the juggle and just as I feel like I'm a bit more in control it's all going out of control again and im so scared.

Im scared about starting a new job and letting them down so soon.

And the future of my career as I don't know if I could handle going back to work again after a second...

OP posts:

catchthedog · 21/05/2023 18:22

Easier said than done, but try not to worry about the new job. You have almost 9 months to get that started and get settled - that usually takes about 6 months ish and then you will be fine there. Don't worry about letting them down, as they will have you for a good amount of time and hopefully you will feel happy to return and Continue with them (if you don't, it's business and they will get someone else).

Is there anything mental health wise that you are already doing or could be doing to get yourself in the best position? are you on any medication or should you be? have you had any therepy etc
Is your partner as involved as he should be with helping out?

JC89 · 21/05/2023 18:38

It's a tough one and you really need to do what is right for you. Do you know how late you can take the pills you have? If you don't have to take them immediately, it sounds like you need to take some time to think to work out what you want to do. You may be able to get some counseling to help you decide (BPAS and Marie Stopes both look like they might offer this).

I do think the new job is relevant - I think you won't be entitled to statutory maternity pay (although you would get maternity leave) if you change jobs while pregnant (at least that's my reading of it https://www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/eligibility) - if you are in the UK that is. If your new job has any additional maternity pay you may need to have been working there for longer (it's a year where I work) in order to be eligible for that. So 6 months can make a big difference financially. I think it can also make a big difference emotionally too - being settled in a new job while battling with early pregnancy symptoms would be more comfortable for me than trying to deal with so soon after changing (basically I would worry about being thought unreliable if I needed time off, especially if I didn't want to explain it was due to pregnancy).

It might be worth thinking about how you would feel if you struggle to get pregnant/ have a miscarriage when you are trying. But it's worth bearing in mind if you are in that situation that
something like 1 in 5 5 week pregnancies end in miscarriage, there is no guarantee that this pregnancy would have been successful.

I don't know what I would do in the same situation, I do know I took a morning after pill when a condom split a few weeks before I started a new job... Then started trying for a baby about 9 months later. So no judgement here, just try and work out what is best for you.

Maternity pay and leave

Your Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) and Leave - what you get, how to claim, maternity rights and extra help

https://www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/eligibility

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 19:01

You plan another baby and now don't want it sorry I couldn't agree to terminate on that basis

neilyoungismyhero · 21/05/2023 19:05

If you have to ask the question then you really know the answer. You need to do what's best for you at this moment your life. It's very early days of the pregnancy you have the answer and the wherewithal to deal with it.

JussathoB · 21/05/2023 19:11

You are prepared to abort because the pregnancy is six months earlier than you intended?
if you don’t want the baby, then choose the abortion but don’t tell yourself you want another child ( in six months)

AllOfThemWitches · 21/05/2023 19:12

You can terminate for any reason on earth. If you're not sure you want a baby, don't have a baby.

Babyboomtastic · 21/05/2023 19:24

The job thing is pretty irrelevant tbh if you were considering not going back after your second. It's 6 months hardly any time at all, and will make no real difference to them.

You are in a stable relationship, have a decent age gap, it will have no effect on your career (compared with waiting 6m), and you want another child very soon.

If you want another child but are a bit afraid of it, maybe just biting the bullet and accepting the one that you are currently growing is actually a more sensible plan. That way you don't have to worry about timing, as it sounds as if the same trepidation will be there in 6m.

skelter83 · 21/05/2023 19:29

If this is not what you want at this time then that is absolutely fine. If you want to establish yourself in your job before trying for a baby then that’s entirely up to you. Please don’t do something that’s not right for you just based on the views of a few online commentators. This is your body and your decision. If you want to try again in 6 months then that is also fine.

Presuming that your partner is supportive, take a couple of days to catch your breath and talk it through with them. Sending you lots of virtual support.

Sometimeswinning · 21/05/2023 19:37

AllOfThemWitches · 21/05/2023 19:12

You can terminate for any reason on earth. If you're not sure you want a baby, don't have a baby.

This. Its a few cells. Only have a baby if you're ready.

None if this lot telling you otherwise will support you emotionally or financially or will give 2 hoots tomorrow what you choose. Focus on your job and future happiness.

Bramblecrumble22 · 21/05/2023 19:43

You have decided it's what you want. Don't let guilt rule. Take the pills and focus on your self, toddler and new job.

Laura0589 · 21/05/2023 20:07

It’s your body and you have the right to choose, the reasons for your choice don’t matter. It matters that you are sure with your decision before you take action I’d talk it through with one of the abortion charities.

thehonscupboard · 21/05/2023 20:27

There's nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds like you have sound logic for planning a pregnancy in a few months time and that would be good for you and your family. It's so, so early there's a high chance this pregnancy wouldn't have progressed anyway. Good luck.

Emmamoo89 · 21/05/2023 21:45

Ignore the why terminate if you're going to be trying in 6 months anyway. It's ultimately your decision.

My son turned 1 in April. I returned to work in Feb and fell pregnant before my sons 1st birthday. Wasn't planned. We were going to wait till later in the year to try. Mainly because we had 3 losses and I was sick of the heartbreak and wanted to wait till my body was ready but its happened. I believe in my situation its meant to be.

Give it a couple of weeks then decide x

Flip