Expecting single mum - feel like I’m loosing my mind!

[Beagle2697]

I am looking for unbiased opinions and advice! I am sure many women have been here.

So I’ve ended up pregnant from a whirl wind romance by someone who I have actually known for a some years as we have crossed paths working in the same industry. We spent a total of six months together and he had asked me to move in which I did as it felt extremely right to go for it. He assured me repeatedly he was ready to settle and it’s what he wanted and was so happy we got closer and ended up together. He made me feel like I was the best thing in the world to him :( I fell madly in love for this person.

I did not have any intentions to fall pregnant this soon and was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries a few years back, also only one working ovary which I don’t know if it’s a result of PCOS or not.

I began taking the pill when I was back in a sexual relationship with this person for a few months. I put on weight instantly and wasn’t happy so I raised the subject with him and we had an open discussion. I wasn’t certain of my fertility, I have had a lot of issues over the years with my lady areas. We both said we would want kids at some point but not now, he said if I was unhappy he accepts it’s my body to come off the pill and we would be careful and “roll with the punches”.

After a few months of the pill I fell pregnant, surprised but there wasn’t an initial negative reaction both sides. He actually informed all of his family immediately and any of our mutual friends/work colleagues. Then things began to change…..
arguing because of me starting to snore (ridiculous) and because I was at his flat too much and he needed his space back.

I’ll just add in I moved my work etc to be with him so I had put my all in (which I wanted no dig).

After a few weeks of arguing, sleepless nights on the sofa and feeling like I wasn’t welcome, I raised my concerns. He refused to talk to me about it, I tried over several days and he didn’t want to. He even used being hungover as an excuse. We was living in a studio so naturally as a concerned pregnant lady I thought it would be best that I left because he obviously didn’t want me around and things were taking a turn. He did like a drink of an evening, never a bad drunk but me being pregnant seemed to be killing his vibe if you like…

I then spoke with him and we intended to work things out, until I asked a work related favour from him. He then said he didn’t want to see me no more and didn’t care what I did going forward.

I tried reaching out to his family and that didn’t go down to well with him. I have tried to contact him he has cut me out like I didn’t exist, refused to give me the rest of my stuff. I then left things for some time and then I heard from his family wanting to help and support me. Naively I let them in and then as soon as he found out there was contact he flipped. He didn’t want contact with me
or the baby but his family did/do but he is against even that. Things at this point have gotten fairly nasty, he must hate me a lot.

I had offered a termination recently but I told him this would only be on the table if he was to support me threw it i.e taking me etc because he had to take some responsibility. He didn’t give a response. It’s not really what I wanted but I having my doubts of whether this is right or wrong. I’m so scared tbh.

I have now fallen out with the family, he seems to think I have purposely trapped him and that I’m crazy for reaching out and trying my best to make this all work.

I am now alone in this completely, there isn’t a great deal of support from my family. I am trying to find somewhere to live in this disgusting housing crisis. Trying to sort rent is a nightmare! Especially on one income! I am struggling to come to terms with all of this, I don’t know what advice I’m looking for. Maybe just some reassurance that I’m not alone :(

I feel awful I’m bringing a baby into all of this, I don’t think I could live with a termination either!

How far along are you? Have you spoken to a midwife yet? I would explain all this to your midwife, they may be able to put you in touch with some help and support. I would stop trying to reach out to the father for now as it’s just going to cause you more stress. Focus on yourself and sorting everything out.

@PickledScrump thank you for taking the time to read. I am 11-12 weeks, I am seeing a midwife next week and to have my official dating scan.

I think that’s a good idea, it’s hard to put your hopes in the system at the moment it really is broken! But as the saying goes if you don’t ask you don’t get.

As for the father I totally agree and have no choice but to do exactly. I hoped for better for this little person and myself tried my best :( it’s the disappointment that’s the killer. X

@Beagle2697 there may be some support groups you could be part of of your midwife may be able to guide you to people who can help with housing and getting things ready. It depends what is in your area but your midwife should be able to help point you to the correct people.

Just because the father has chosen not to be involved doesn’t mean you can’t still give the best. Yes it’s hard to be a single parent but it’s so rewarding bringing up that little person. You can still bring them up feeling like they had a fantastic upbringing all by yourself. Totally understand the disappointment but you will realise you are stronger than you thought.

I would seriously consider termination. You are struggling with work and accommodation as it is. Having someone that will quite frankly make your life a misery by all accounts if you continue with the pregnancy is far from ideal.

@PickledScrump I will definitely reach out next week, feeling like I have some options will go a long way!

My dad wasn’t really around, only when it was convenient. My mum done it alone with myself and my brother and we are only 16 months apart and she was in her early 20s I have done ok with my life and I can’t say it overly bothers me today, only when I was an angry teenager😂 I want to be a mum deep down, I have been given a gift, one I wasn’t 100% sure I would get. Thank you again!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your perspective:). I have considered it and still have this doubt but it isn’t where my heart truly lies.

My job isn’t the issue per say I am a gas engineer not a bad paid job and I’ll be in work for as long as I live, it’s the rental market and the area I am in 30 x the monthly payment for a standard property £1500 puts me needing an annual salary of £45,000 but I am sitting at the £40,000 mark and that’s issue I face (Was renting a room only before btw) I have reached out to the local council for advice and they are looking into my case as we speak.

He isn’t the ideal person at all. I don’t think he is actually bothered about what I do. It feels like a head or heart predicament.

@RedHelenB forgot to tag you

single parenting is really hard with a baby on your own but you will get through it. If he is like he sounds you're better off keeping a distance because he will be a nightmare person to have in the picture. So if you decide to keep the baby, do it with the mindset that he won't be in the picture at all. that way you won't be constantly disappointed when he lets you down or doesn't show up etc. Easier than hanging on in hope, which is really hard.

You don't necessarily need a big place to rent, for the first couple of years a one bed flat would probably do you - you could have baby in your room, or have your bed in the living room maybe.

It's not easy but if you decide to do it, you will get through because you have no choice other than to get through. Family support is vital though. I did it without and really wish I'd had someone there for occasionally taking the baby e.g. parents or whatever.

Thank you for your time! I know it is, a few friends of mine have ended up being single parents but all very different stories to tell. @betaglucans

He is out of the picture from now I can’t do anymore nastiness. 3 months have gone so fast already, he doesn’t want it anyway so I don’t think keeping him away is going to be an issue.

I have been hunting for one bed, that is enough and yes as you said you can live in the living room! Kiddo comes first. I am in the Hillingdon borough so demand is high and costly. You’ll see my predicament in my previous response.

I have a very good lifelong friend who has been a rock. I’m currently staying with her now. Family is rocky but could improve and pull together.

Well done to you, I can’t imagine that being easy at all. Advice appreciated :)

He may simply abandon his child, but you have to be prepared for him to decide to be in your life with this kind of drama every day for the next 18+ years.