Tips on how to deal with MIL competing with/provoking me post birth

[User41]

Hi All

I wondered if anyone had any tips on how I might mentally prepare myself to deal with my MIL trying to compete with and/or provoke me post birth.

So for context my MIL really doesn’t like any attention directed my way and will try to compete with me and/or provoke a negative reaction so she can position herself as a victim (thereby diverting attention back to her). This usually manifests by dominating the conversation, interrupting me, answering questions she asks me, dismissing anytime I express I’m struggling with something (e.g being unwell) or creating a scenario where she is the victim by trying to provoke a negative response (or by painting a situation that way).

Ive basically learnt to deal with it by having very low emotional investment, low expectations, not sharing information that could make me vulnerable and asserting myself very politely only where absolutely needed. As a result we have a cordial, surface level friendly relationship (with zero depth to it). And for the most part, I now give little thought to our interactions or if they do annoy me it’s only for a short while and I move on.

My problem is I find it much harder to do this when pregnant/post birth as I think my resilience just isn’t the same. You’re dealing with hormones, exhaustion and pain and I find it’s much harder to have that detached outlook and also not to bite. What I found when I had my first baby is for the most part I managed not to bite but then I would spend hours afterwards replaying and/or feeling so angry about our interactions when I should have just been enjoying my baby and new family life. So this time I’d really like to mentally prepare and train myself to just be able to firstly expect what’s coming and secondly not let it get to me/be able to just let it go.

(BTW just to clarify I don’t want to go down the route of no visitors for first X week/s until I’m in a better frame of mind/feeling stronger as I will really want to see my parents and I feel it’d be unfair to my partner to treat each side differently. Plus that would REALLY escalate matters. So basically I will very likely be seeing her the day I give birth or at least the day after and need to find some magic way to be super Zen… 😆).

Sorry for the long post!!

I forgot to add the above behaviour from MIL is particularly bad where there is extra attention my way so for example a birthday, or if I’m not well or and especially being pregnant/post birth seem to particularly escalate the competition

What is your dh doing to help the situation? He should be telling her to pack it in

@trevthecat yeah he does but that just is used a perfect ammo to be the victim/draw him into a row and then divert the attention back on to her and it all then becomes about their spat (as I guess any attention is good even if negative and It ensures the focus isn’t on me). Sadly I’ve seen this scenario play out a million times. That’s partly what I mean when I say she wants to provoke a reaction. And all comments/behaviour have the veneer of plausible deniability as she is a very clever and emotionally intelligent woman. It’d be much easier if it was just someone who was being very outright aggressive

Can you dilute her with other relatives (have her visit at the same time as your parents, or your SIL) or will she be worse with an audience?
How is she with your eldest? Can you give her the job of taking them to the park or whatever and then have her bring eldest to meet baby. -Basically give her a job to do so she has less bandwidth for playing the victim.

You are already doing the right thing with the low emotional investment and not sharing information. Continue along those lines and try to maintain low contact. Most importantly, practice emotional detachment from her and everything she says and does.

Distract yourself from mulling over her behaviours by any means you can. For example flicking through a magazine or thinking about nice things like what you might be doing over the summer. Anything to break any intrusive thoughts about her.

Work towards being as low contact as you can be.

If her behaviour ramps up once your baby is born, don't hesitate to call her out on it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your house, your kids, your rules.

I stood up to my MIL and basically told her not to disrespect me in my own home. This was after she stayed with us and K had put up with a few days of criticising me, looking like she was going to vomit over meals I had prepared and general rudeness including the sort of behaviours you describe. My mother is similar (has a diagnosis of BPD).

I think you have to be firm and not put up with it even if she plays the victim. Put your foot down and make your DH aware that he should as well. You have the power to restrict access to your child and your DH so make sure she knows it.

While it didn’t solve the problem entirely, she certainly was more wary about winding me up and was polite - at least to my face. My DH was/is completely incapable of standing up to his parents. The only think we have rowed about in 28 years is his fucking family.

I wish I had put my foot down and said at the beginning that I would not tolerate the behaviour - this was a few years in.

Now 25 years on she has aged and doesn’t really play these games any more.

Whenever she clouds your thoughts look at your watch.. Tell yourself when the minute changes she is leaving your head...
And do it. Distract yourself. Sing a song. Make a cuppa.
We are nc with mil and her name is a banned subject. But at first it was hard to not dwell and go over and over conversations etc.
Bet you are too tied up enjoying your dc anyway. Don't be afraid to just up and leave the room or even the house of she is being out of order.. Then tell dh she needs to be gone before you are coming back. He needs to step up and have your back.

Think I'd engineer a huge row me so I could ban her from the house. Can't be arsed with people like that.

@gamerchick 😆love it. Wish I had the balls. I’m not the best with confrontation but I am working on it and getting better at it

Thanks all, I really like the ideas of diluting her company (where I can) and distracting myself and also just leaving if I need to. I suppose Il have the great excuse of needing to go upstairs for a nap/to feed the baby etc.

@Spiderywriting
What? OP has the power to restrict access to her DH? I hope this was just badly worded.

I second the diluting her presence advice. Try never to be alone/in a one on one conversation with her if possible. And ask someone on ‘your side’ to watch out and distract/change conversation if she’s starting. I feel for you OP!

Instead of having this ongoing confrontation, if she gets arsey it needs to be immediately followed by her getting kicked out, and nobody engaging with the woe is me texts.

If the party/get together is continuing without her she will be livid, but eventually, hopefully, she will realise that she misses out more if she kicks off.

Toddler training, effectively.

If you plan to BF, developing a sudden attack of modesty that means you can only do it in private might help!

Have you ever done yoga or meditation with controlled breathing? Learning to notice how you're breathing and then control it by taking deeper breaths is a very subtle but powerful way to deal with this sort of thing. If she starts to wind you up, just focus on your breath, imagine waves on a beach or something - let it wash over you. If you use your breath to instruct your body to relax, you don't get into the adrenalin/cortisol feedback loop that makes you tense up, raised heartbeat, get angry etc. She's there but she might as well be a bird tweeting in a tree for all it matters to you.

Tons of free breathing stuff online - you can do in for four, out for eight as a starter. Try not to think of anything other than your breath going in and out. Energy comes in, stress goes out.

@AuntieJune no actually I haven’t. I think that’d be really good for me. I think that’d help with confrontation when needed as well as I often find my heart starts beating really fast and then I get quite flustered. Will be having a look into that thanks.

I was in this situation with my mil. She made such a massive drama when I was pregnant and I was so scared how it would be when I gave birth.
My tips are: 1. I think lots of hospitals are really limiting visitors after COVID, so you might be able to tell her that only your partner can come in until the official visiting time.

1. Obvs you can't do this just to deal with mil, but if you happen to be offered it...I had pethidine when having my daughter and so I was just in a chilled out daze for the whole first day, which helped a lot.

I agree, don't bite before the birth. I did and it just made it into a huge whole family issue where other people were ringing up and having a go.
Another way to get through her visiting in the early days is to try to get your partner to arrange her to come with other people or when he's there, as they're never as bad when others are around. If possible then give her the baby and go for a nap- if others are around of course.

I agree with the person who said breathing. I like to look around the room and count things too.

One more post just to say that I do think latching onto worrying about her could be a symptom of general mental health issues that can come up in pregnancy and postpartum. None of it was as bad as I thought it would be. Even when the exact things happened that I worried about, actually dealing with them was not as bad as dreading them.

I have a trick when dealing my toxic family member (Sister) of just playing the piece of music ‘The entertainer’ in my head when she goes off on one. I think it gives me a slightly glazed look but it infuriates her that I refuse to engage!