Scared and dreading birth and newborn days

[Cornwall21]

Hi, I’m 27 weeks pregnant and struggling with my emotions. I know I am going to come across as very negative in this post as that is where my mind currently is. I am grateful I have a baby boy on the way and I am looking forward to meeting him but it’s everything that comes before that moment and then the first few months which scare me so much.

I have cried so so many times today and all my thoughts are negative. I have always been terrified of childbirth which is partly why I have waited til 34 to get pregnant. I’m dreading the next few months and can’t be excited. As I enter third trimester, my symptoms are going to increase so more heatburn and bloating, backache, pain etc. my nausea has come back somewhat too.

I’m fully prepared for birth to be awful, and the recovery and then the newborn days. As it’s all you hear about on Instagram, in books, on podcasts and on mumsnet.

Over the past 3 months I did think, with the help of hypnobirthing, maybe birth will be ok. But after 2 friends mentioning recently they haemorrhaged in birth it gave me a reality kick that it’s not going to be ok. I only know 1 person who had a straight forward birth, everyone else I know had complications. So how can I think I’ll be any different. I just don’t know how I’ll cope.

Once birth is done there is the recovery which as I am educating myself more I am learning just how brutal childbirth is on our bodies. Tearing, painful boobs and nipples, possible c section wound recovery etc.

Then there is the newborn days known to be hard. Many women suffer with their mental health and as someone with anxiety and a history of panic attacks I feel I am highly likely to suffer too.

Yes there will be a beautiful baby at the end of it all but I just can’t see that. I wish I could be one of those mums to be who says ‘it will all be so worth it’. When I feel him kick I feel so guilty of how I am feeling and the possible stress I am passing onto him.

Has anyone else felt like this? Or have any advice how I can approach the next few months?

Thank you x

Hi @Cornwall21 . Congratulations on your pregnancy 💙 I am currently sat with my 8 week old baby boy (2nd DS) and have just read your post.

in terms of the birth, I totally get why you are worried, but you will be in the best care with the midwives and (if needed) doctors. I had two vert different births, but felt in safe hands both times. This time was much more relaxed, I took my EarPods, listened to music and birthed the way I wanted to. Pushing through crowning (the head) is the worst part (I did it with my pain relief or gas and air…don’t ask I’m crazy 😜) but if you can help your mind to relax you won’t feel overwhelmed. I won’t lie, it does hurt, but practice your breathing and you will be fine 💕.

As for the newborn stage, gosh it does go quickly! With my first DS, I put soooo much pressure on myself to breastfeed and that was wrong as I didn’t enjoy the first few weeks. Obviously your recovery is important so make sure you have batch cooked a few meals if you can, that helps out immensely. But also don’t set any expectations to do things and say no to visitors if you don’t feel up to it, forget what all these books/people say about routine in the early days and just enjoy the cuddles! Remember Instagram is just showing you the good bits! Do you have family around who can help with things if needed (meals or doing washing etc?).

good luck and let us know when baby boy arrives 💙

It will be hard but there are two things in your favour:

• you seem like a realist/pragmatist - so you know that it might not be a walk in the park and that’s ok. You will be learning and taking each day as it comes just like other mums and you will also thrive like other mums
• everything is a phase and every tough time will pass in a flash. Those newborn days don’t last forever and you will start to realise that soon enough. Of course there are challenges in parenting generally but you will adapt to be able to deal with those when the time is ready

It's going to be ok.

I don't if it helps to hear but between them my two nieces have had 4 beautiful, straight forward births with no complications and minimal stays in hospital.

Obviously it still hurt but both were happy with how each one went.

I also know multiple women who say giving birth was the best day of their lives.

My two births were more complicated but I don't regret them at all and my DCs are now huge and still the best things I have ever created!

You'll get through it. The last few weeks of pregnancy can be uncomfortable but you have to make the most of it and literally put your feet up as much as possible.

Again the baby days are hard but also amazing. I remember being obsessed by how DDs tiny hips and knees worked perfectly together and how I had created them!

Be kind to yourself and ask for help, you really can do this.

Hi @Cornwall21 congratulations on your pregnancy xx
Totally normal to feel anxious x
Honestly, it will all be ok, you will get through the birth and first few months. It's like mothernature gives us strength to get through it, you will be ok x

It is going to be okay OP ❤️

I was terrified of labour too, a fear of the unknown I think. I elected to have a c section instead, as although I knew there'd be pain during my recovery, it was the only way for me to know exactly what would happen on the day. If you're really nervous about labour, I'd highly recommend a section. It was a gorgeous day, obviously I couldn't feel a thing during the procedure and she was out within 10 mins, absolute bliss.
Recovery was no picnic but it is manageable on the many drugs they send you home with! I'm a wuss with pain and was able to get up and feed DD on my first night in hospital. I was walking around the block by day 3 postpartum. I'm up feeding my 7 week old DD now and it's so amazing! I did suffer with some anxiety so can't advise on that, it's a huge deal to be responsible for someone else in this way. It is completely normal to feel that way though and you'll have plenty of midwife and health visitor appointments where you can run through anything you're worried about.

Wishing you well for the rest of your pregnancy. I found pregnancy to be far, far harder than delivery and new motherhood 💕

Your story resonates with me as I was also very emotional in the second trimester. Physically I was fine but somehow all the hormones affected me mentally, I would cry for days without having a reason, just felt sad etc. Then it would pass, and I would get triggered by seeing something sad on tv etc. I used to be able to watch One Born Every Minute but once I was pregnant, seeing it made me feel awful.

I think the difficult thing about pregnancy/birth is the unknown- no one can predict how well things will go, and so it's very easy to feel horribly anxious etc about it. But there definitely are a few things that you can look out for to help your chances:

• voice your worries out loud to a loved one, someone who is good at listening. This is to release the negative energy.
• ask yourself about your medical team. Have they shown you that they respect you, and do you feel able to trust them?
• how well do you know about your options especially regarding birth? For example, did your medical team approve of your birth plan? Will you have access to pain relief/what types? Do you have a birth partner?
• Ask your midwife about any specific complications you are worried might happen, and ask them how they will help you in the case of xyz.
• consider getting a doula. They help not just bring their during birth, but they also give you emotional support during pregnancy and postpartum, as well as lots of information regarding pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc.
• check with your midwife about your access to breastfeeding resources - ask what kind of support you can expect from them and where you will be able to receive any other support regarding breastfeeding or bottle feeding

You'll be alright 🙌🏻

You can book an elective c section if you're afraid of childbirth. Might be an option

Lots of good advice here - it's going to be alright op!

I had two very straightforward births - it definitely does happen! Keep practising the breathing techniques you learnt in hypnobirthing - whatever sort of birth you end up having breathing through it really helps you to stay calm.

I will be honest - the hormones and sleep deprivation hit me like a ton of bricks the first time and my anxiety was really challenging. BUT I found it helpful to remember it wasn't me, it was my hormones and it was going to get better. And it did!

You don't have to enjoy the newborn stage, it's not for everyone but if nothing else you've got three months of lots of time cuddling on the sofa and watching whatever trash TV you like - enjoy it!

Good luck and keep talking about your feelings xx

By any chance have you got lots of people giving you "helpful advice"? I had this non stop and felt the same as you.

Follow positive birth stories on Instagram and read them. They are brutally honest but positive and really helped my mindset.

I found not talking to certain people helped my mindset. I shut down conversations around childbirth/ newborn days as soon as I could and just switched off.

Lots of people LOVED the newborn days. Some of my nct group just moaned it was boring 😆.

Oh and my birth was really positive, and third trimester easily my favourite.

Birth can be scary because it’s so unknown. But please speak to your midwife and ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team, they can put a plan in place that makes you feel empowered. My birth was not what I imagined (I was put on the drip and had an epidural), I also haemorrhaged, but I have no ill feelings towards it at all. I felt completely empowered. I know people who had textbook straightforward births who didn’t feel that way. You want to feel listened to, that’s natural. I had anxiety in my first pregnancy and antenatal depression in this one (signed off work), so I do understand how it can totally overwhelm you.
The newborn stage is different for everyone. I didn’t enjoy it. There were tears. But everything is for a season and it passes.
Hormones are a bitch.

I am also feeling anxious about the newborn days because I struggled badly the first time around (lockdown baby - very lonely!). This time around I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel less anxious in advance. I'm planning to save up enough money so that I can have a cleaner for the first few months, making sure I have a freezer full of food and I'm going to treat myself to some new books on my Kindle for the night feeds (I really recommend a Kindle with a light - this was such a game changer for me!). There isn't a lot I can do about the sleep deprivation but I do recommend following Lyndsay Hookway on Instagram because she made me feel significantly less anxious about it all. Also, if you haven't already, research matrescence - I found understanding what was happening to me really helpful.

I hope some of this helps - sending love ❤️

Hello @Cornwall21. I was like you, scared of giving birth, how i would adjust to being a mum and caring for a tiny baby 24/7.

I did hypnobirthing courses, made playlists and took books to the hospital for my induction. However, that all went out of the window when the baby decided to make a dramatic appearance. The birth didn’t go to plan and I ended up giving birth on only paracetamol that I’d been given an hour before. Because of how quick it happened I tore, in multiple places (which was one of my biggest fears coming true.). BUT I did it, yes it hurt but not as much as I’d built it up to in my mind. The hormones we release make us superhuman at that time. I had to have a lengthy surgery after which was the best nap I’d had for months. 😂

The newborn days are hard. My daughter is now 10 weeks and my husband and I both say how hard it’s been but how much we’ve also laughed. We chose to laugh at the things that could have driven us to tears. It’s an insane period but you sound like you’re going into it eyes open.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it might hurt, it might be knackering and stressful. But our bodies are built for this, something happens and nature takes over. For me that first 💩 after was worth than the birth and no one warned me. Get lactolose in ready!

Believe in yourself, trust whichever way the process takes you (vaginal or c section) and just keep going. The days might seem long but the weeks fly by. Good luck.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I haven't read previous replies so apologies if there's repetition.

First thing - I'd definitely recommend hypnobirthing, in particular the calm birth school. Despite its "woo" name, it's very much rooted in science and the science behind giving birth. It's well worth the investment and there's also help for the early days of having a newborn too.

Secondly - I was equally concerned about PPH but there are things you can do to prevent it. PPH is more likely to happen when there's been intervention in your birth so try to mitigate this as best as possible (hypnobirthing will give this knowledge). PPH happens when the uterus doesn't contract, and you need oxytocin (the happy hormone) to contract the uterus, so instant skin to skin is an example of how to prevent it.
If it does happen, the midwives and doctors know exactly what to do and act extremely quickly. This is something they deal with and are experts in.

Thirdly - it's a bit like how when you're on a plane and you think about all the plane crashes rather than all the billions of safe plane journeys. Our brain has a natural tendency to remember the negative rather than the positive as a way to protect us from danger. I have had two very very positive births, with no intervention or drugs both times. I'd research positive births (there's lots of stories on YouTube) and for gods sake tell people you don't want to hear their negative stories whilst you're pregnant.

There was a thread on here a few months ago in AMA about a woman who'd had 4 homebirths. Read her posts - they're very interesting and very positive.

You've got to feel empowered in the birth and know what's happening and feel positive and happy, and knowledge is the best way to feel this imho.

I understand how you feel, I saw someone mention Matrescence coaching and I just saw this link on reddit and thought of you.

good luck xx

I had terrible anxiety about birth and ended up requesting an elective C-Section. Best decision I ever made. Newborn days are hard but they're over in the blink of an eye and it gets easier and easier. Lots of luck and congratulations.

I get it OP, I was so scared about giving birth. Baby is now 14 weeks and I looked at him earlier and was still amazed that giant head actually came out of me somehow 😆 it's crazy though how your body knows what to do. I ended up having an epidural which was great, I think I'd have an elective c-sec if we have another though as my labour was so long and exhausting. Worse part for me was when I was sent back home having contractions all night just taking paracetamol. I was fine in the hospital with the gas and air, marvellous stuff 😆

The newborn stage was hard. I didn't really enjoy it. But as others have said it goes quickly and now it's so much easier - still tough at times but I think the fact that I'm physically fully recovered, getting a reasonable amount of sleep, and baby is smiley and adorable really does help! The really tough nights of being up all night feeding, dealing with a crying baby while bleeding, boobs leaking, sore bits all seems like so long ago now!

Someone told me recently when I was worrying about birth to remember that I have all the genes and the body to give birth. I'm here because all my ancestors over the many thousands of years have given birth successfully. My body will know what to do.

Remember that you are already a great parent to your child who is very lucky to have you. They've been cosy in your womb for 27 weeks now! You are doing really well.

My approach was to take each day as it comes, there were many unknowns to navigate during pregnancy and post. It's easy to let every aspect consume you with worry, and it's so easy to fall down a rabbit hole if you Google everything too. Plus, each pregnancy experience is different - you may plan and plan and plan for a certain birthing method, but may need to change tact right at the last moment. So just enjoy the ride and go with the flow to a certain extent.

There will be so many sources of information out there - friends/family, books, GP, midwife, health visitor, online resources - and sometimes they are conflicting. When baby is born, trust your own instincts - you will instinctively know what is best for you and baby. At the end of the day if baby is happy, healthy and putting on weight then that will be a sure sign that you are doing perfectly well (even if you think otherwise).

Find coping mechanisms that work for you. Great that you are talking about how you feel!

Some amazing advice here which hopefully addresses some of your worries. 3rd trimester symptoms don't necessarily feel worse for everyone, lots of people feel great then and reassured that you can feel the baby moving. I had a c section and the recovery was pretty straightforward, I was going for long walks by about week 2/3! I found the newborn days hard as I struggled with breastfeeding but as soon as I switched to formula I felt great, we all slept more and felt happier.

Keep talking to your midwife about how you are feeling, there are lots of people around to support you. The midwives and health visitors will be there for you as long as you need once you've had the baby.

My baby is 16 weeks now and it's all gone so quickly, we are now having the best time and I know you will too :)