Honest experiences on having a 2nd child

[NadjaCravensworth1]

I'm 39 next week and have a one year old daughter who is the love of my life. She is a double rainbow baby and I feel incredibly lucky to have her. I never thought I'd want another after the trauma of 2 losses but recently the pull to try again has been incredibly strong. However it feels like a real 'heart over head thing' - I'm the happiest I've ever been but am I kidding myself about how hard it might be to have another? Financially I think we could manage and I have good family support. I would love some honest experiences of going from 1 to 2. Did they just 'slot in' or was it a complete tornado?!

It depends on the baby's personality, some are easy, love their cuddles, food and of course mummy .... other babies find the world a difficult place and that makes for a different experience.

1 to 2 children is fine, much like 2 to 3, your children know no different. I'd be more concerned about your age to be honest, if you lost 2 before you had a successful pregnancy I'd wonder if you were at increased risk. I had my 3rd and final child at 37 (got pregnant at 36) but I still had a miscarriage at 36. I'd be thinking more about whether you are too old at 40 and the potential for more heartache. I wouldn't roll the dice again at 39 in your position.

i have an almost 3 year old and a just turned 1 yo.

the first 7 / 8 months were haaarrrd - I find newborns hard, what with not sleeping, sleep regressions, breastfeeding, clingyness, constant cat napping, plus juggling a toddler at same
time! This baby decided not to sleep between 4-7 months and had the most fucking obnoxious cry, it was tough. He did “slot in” because he had to when I was making sure to give toddler attention too, but he was a bit of a melter in his own right for a while.

Now, it’s a dream, we’ve come through it and it’s been well well worth it. He’s an adorable and yes has slotted right in like a wee dote. Thankfully my toddler took to the baby like a dream and has been so so good with him. We have found our groove and they are the best.

those first few months tho… 🤯. I used to cry when my husband left me alone with them in the morning to go to work - and that was only two days a week.. you just learn how to juggle them.

it’s such a personal decision tho. Finances, space, age, how your first child will acclimatise etc., but I always wanted more than one, and we won’t be going for a third

Some do, some don’t, often thru unsettle the first one and when they wake at night the other child also wakes. So in reality no one can tell u.

I have a bigger gap with my two, eldest (DD) is now 10 and youngest (DS) is 2. DS slotted in yes, but completely different to DD- he is a whirlwind and really keeps us on our toes. Definitely not enough to put us off though as we are planning TTC number 3! The only thing is my DH is 43 (10 years older than me) and he is feeling it more than I am, so we have agreed we need to TTC this year as time is ticking. Only you will know if it’s right for you OP- good luck with whatever you choose x

Absolutely brutal.

But you have good family support and this surely makes all the difference, we don’t have anyone really so we’ve done 4 years now with very little child free time. Having the two means it’s always full on, very rare to have a quiet moment.

It gets easier and there are some really lovely moments and their bond is amazing, I wouldn’t change it. But it’s been very challenging at times

It's definitely harder with two but also wonderful. My advice to anyone when thinking about having a baby is you realllllly have to want it. If you're fine either way then maybe don't try, but do what's best for you!

I was a similar age to you when I had my second. There is a two year age gap. The first few months were ok as baby mostly slept and when she slept I would have quality time with my first. She coped well to be fair. We had to teach her how to be gentle with baby when she got a bit jealous. It gets harder when the wake windows get longer and both want your attention. My first can entertain herself for so long and then she gets frustrated and needs attention. I find getting out early helps and play dates.

They already have a bond and love each other! When I'm having a tough day I just look at my two babies happy together and it melts my heart and makes the tiring tough days feel worth it.

I do miss having time alone with my first daughter and I'm hoping in a couple of months time I'll be able to leave baby with a sitter/DH and have a day out with just us two.

I sometimes feel like I'm not giving baby enough attention as it's divided unlike when DD1 was a baby but she's a happy baby so I think she's fine!

Hmmm I don’t know! I was on the fence- thought I’d see if I could conceive and out came this wonderful baby who I just love so much and means the world. It’s made me a better person too- I value my time more and my existing relationships, pushed me to get a better job, learn a language etc. Now we’re having a second, i am a bit worried though that we’ll never manage but we have no support. So having support I think makes all the difference.

But, yes the potential heartache of miscarriages in your case means you really have to be very strong minded and you know yourself best. Will you be able to stop trying in x amount of time- and really just close that chapter, in a good frame of mind? This is most important, for you and your existing family. They and you, need you to be mentally well. You would have to be somewhat emotionally detached from the conception process I think. However you can manage that.

My second has just turned 2, it’s not been any harder having 2 than 1 (because DD became easier around the time he was born). He’s been an easy baby and easy toddler and seeing them both interact is so lovely.

There’ll be times when it’s tough I’m sure, but don’t scare yourself to death - it’s not necessarily brutal.

Congratulations. x

Sorry - just re-read that you’re not actually pregnant but considering it.