Unexpected 3rd help!

[alittleadvicepls]

Hi,

This is going to be a bit of a long one. I suppose I'm looking for stories/wisdom.

I'm 29 and found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with number 3. I have two boys (15 mths & 6 yrs). I am really torn about what to do. My head wants to terminate but my heart knows it'll be hard emotionally. I'm mostly worried about the financial aspect. I know babies don't cost much and we already have all the baby things from our last one but I haven't worked for a while. I'm due to sit the bar in September. How would I work afterwards with 2 under 2? We can't afford daycare!

From a house point of view we'd be ok. We have a 4 bed house- I currently use the 4th bedroom as an office. We wouldn't need to upgrade our car either. I suppose the biggest thing would be me being unable to work for a few years and financially we're very strained on DH's income only.

And just for the sake of not drip feeding, last DS was conceived via IVF after recurrent losses. We had a loss at 12 weeks a few years back which really affected me. We do use condoms but usually don't in the few days after finishing my period and I guess that's when it happened. Based on my last period I'd be around 5 weeks. EDD 25/12

Looking for positive/negative stories or termination stories. Will I be ok whatever I decide? Everything in me is telling me I've given enough to motherhood and now it's time to focus on my career and start bringing in money but my heart is getting attached to the pregnancy!

As always, only you can decide but personally I'd terminate.

2 really is enough, and it isn't a baby yet - tablets will get rid. I've had a termination at 9 weeks and it was fine, bit of painful cramping, the pregnancy passed and then just some bleeding for a week or so.

Why sacrifice more of your career and personal pension? Why make your H even more strained under the financial responsibility of it all, when you could work to get into a better place financially and have something just for YOU

I have lost babies at 20 weeks so understand miscarriage. But honestly there is no harm done in just terminating. It isn't a baby yet.

Look after yourself

If you go ahead, after a reasonable maternity period, could your DH take some parental leave or reduce his hours and do some of the stay-at-home parenting to enable you to get back into work faster?

Going by your post it sounds like you would regret a termination.

Why are you assuming you can’t afford childcare? If you’re due to take the bar you aren’t going to be on min wage.
Your other DS will be around 2 when this baby is born. With the extension of the funded hours he should get 15 from next April and by the time you consider going back to work after the equivalent time off to maternity leave you wouldn’t have many months of 2x full childcare bills before DS is 3 and gets the 30 funded hours.
Even if you only break even for a few months then your nursery bill will drop and you will be much better off from then on out.

@Sissynova I suppose because in my mind I'm so focused on 2 years 8 months which is when the ECCE scheme begins in Ireland. Daycare spots are also really hard to come by in Dublin and after calling a few, waitlists are now going into 2024.....
As for my wage, you have to do at least one year of devilling as a junior barrister and that's unpaid.

I had a similar story to you. Surprise 3rd pregnancy. I had the same worries (except we would have needed a bigger car and only have 3 bedrooms). I agonised and ended up having a termination at 8 weeks. The termination itself was not such a terrible experience (as I know some people do have).... however mentally, I really really struggled. I would go as far as saying that I pretty much had a breakdown. I know this is not always the case and there are plenty of people who it is absolutely the right decision to terminate.
I accessed the abortion clinics counselling afterwards which I really needed. I was devastated. It's worth mentioning that this service is available to you before a termination so it may be worth accessing this before you make a final decision.
I couldn't believe that I terminated when I had a loving home with two children in it already, a cot in the attic, lots of baby clothes kept back. I had convinced myself I couldn't do the baby years again, that I needed to get back to work full time and the extended period of financial strain would be too much. These were all very valid worries of course!
We did go on to have a 3rd baby after all and this has somewhat given me some closure and peace to such a sad experience for me. I feel so lucky to have a healthy third baby who his siblings absolutely adore.
Yes my time between them is stretched, yes we will make sacrifices, but this was the right decision for me and my family.

It really is a shock which I totally understand. Your decision is such a final one. But it is an option and the choice is yours to make.

I wish you luck in your decision. Such a tough one whatever you decide.

As a disclaimer, this reply is not to try and convince you one way is better than the other, it's such a personal choice, just giving you my experience which will of course be different to yours.

I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy and I didn't realise until I was 17 weeks pregnant as I still had my periods. In retrospect I did have morning sickness but convinced myself it must be a bug. My other children were 10 and 8 years, and we thought our family was complete. I was back at work full time. Previously I just worked a few part time hours until youngest was 5 and in school. I was torn, emotional from the pregnancy hormones and due to being 17 weeks I went ahead with pregnancy. My third child is grown up now but honestly he has never given me a moment's worry or stress. It's as if he knew he was lucky to be born. He was an easy baby, and slept through the night from 5 weeks old. Happy to go to nursery full time from a year old. Very smiley and loving and his siblings have always loved him. As an adult DC he spends more time with me and often takes me for lunch. I occasionally reflect how happy I am that we went ahead with pregnancy. Had I been under 8 weeks, when I found out I was pregnant I'm not sure what I would have done but I'd have considered abortion.