Will I regret not keeping this baby?

[Anxiousandconfusedmum]

Hopefully this is the correct place to post.

DH and I currently have 2 older children and a baby under 1 and yesterday found out I am pregnant again, very much unplanned and unexpected. No judgement please, contraception fail unfortunately but doesn't change the situation.

My heart is telling me to keep the baby and we will manage, but my brain is telling me that this isn't a good idea. My main reasons are having 2 under 2 is not something I envisaged, we also never planned to have number 4 and DH is on the waiting list for a vasectomy! Financially we would manage however I'd have to go back to work which then leaves childcare for 2 children, which would likely wipe out my FT wage anyway. I'm also thinking of things like have to get a bigger car, 2 of the DC would have to share a room, all of them currently have their own.

When I found out yesterday I immediately did an e-consult for abortion, however having spoken with DH last night his first worlds were all very positive and he didn't once mention abortion.

I'm so confused, has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it easy going from 3 to 4 and will I regret it? Will I regret having an abortion and always wonder what life could have been like?

Please send me some logical but positive words I'm waiting for a call from the clinic today and my head is all over the place.

You will probably always wonder but I think we often do about decisions that could have gone either way. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I think counselling is provided with abortion services, I assume both before and after though I don’t know for sure.

In your position I probably wouldn’t close off any avenues yet. Take the call from the doctor, it could take a few weeks to arrange things for a termination anyway so you would still have some time to figure out if it’s for you. I say this because an earlier termination will undoubtedly be easier on you than a later one, so better to start to make arrangements then make up your mind than to make up your mind and be a few weeks further along and then have to wait more weeks before arrangements can be put in place if that’s what you choose.

You should probably have a more serious chat with your DH, specifically about abortion, what another baby would mean and what another pregnancy would mean for you.

These aren’t easy decisions to make, or easy conversations to have and there are of course pros and cons to everything.

Beat of luck OP with whatever you choose x

I'm sorry you're having to make this decision. Can't say from personal experience but I am one of 5 and my mum said that once you have 3 there is so much chaos that any extra doesn't make any difference. There was about two years between all of us though so not quite your situation

I think I'd personally regret an abortion but it's a very individual thing. Might be the best thing for you and you might think it was a great decision and never regret it. Not something you can predict in advance unfortunately

Good luck either way x

Sending you lots of love. I’m currently pregnant with my unexpected third baby and had a similar quandary to you. I was in bits but my husband was very positive. I ultimately realised that an abortion would drive a wedge between us and possibly cause resentment which would cause further challenges for us. I’m 40 and my two older kids don’t need me as much so my situation is simpler than yours (and now I can feel my unborn baby wiggling around I know we made the right choice), but I guess my advice is to think about the alternative and how you and your family would feel further down the line if you made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. And similarly, how things would be if you carried on - how would things feel. I’m so sorry you’re having to make this impossible decision.

If you can cope, and your heart is saying yes, I would keep it. Sounds like it’s a few years of convenience versus a possible lifetime of regret. Good luck whatever you choose

Similarly to you I had 2 older children (5&9) and a baby at 6 months when I fell (accidentally) pregnant with ds4. He’s amazing and yes the younger years were tough and expensive but I wouldn’t change it. I think if you want to go ahead then do it, you’ll have a noisy crazy home and little money until they are at school but I’m now here with 11, 12, 17 & 21 year olds missing them as little ones and thinking what a happy time them being little was, even if it was a struggle sometimes. It was totally worth it, there wasn’t too much difference going from 3-4 imo just a bit more work, a little less sleep and less £ but I reused everything I could and sold stuff they’d grown out of etc
congratulations 😊😊

Thank you all, I read your comments with tears in my eyes.

We had never discussed having number 4 and we're adamant we were done at 3 but I guess the world my have other ideas.

I know we would manage but I'm still not sure it's the best decision. I will definitely be having a more in depth discussion with DH as I wouldn't want for either of us to regret either decision.

In a way the elder two have each other, this will be the same for your younger two too? It'll be great for your third child. I think the world only throws at us, what we are able to manage. And sure, everything happens for a reason.

If your heart is telling you to have it, none of the reasons you give sound insuperable.

Rooms - not uncommon to share a room at all and many kids like it (mine do, they could have their own but prefer to share)
Money - if you have the baby, your 1yo would be about 2 when it's born - free childcare kicks in at 3, there's mat leave - that's not very much time when you'd be paying double childcare
Car - you have a point, you'd probably need a bigger one

You don't say how old you are or how much older your older ones are, I'd say it would be nice for your younger one to have a similar aged sibling if your older ones are a lot older. If you're old enough that you're at high risk or have health problems then that might put a different spin on things.

I thought my family was complete at two as we had one boy and one girl. I got pregnant unexpectedly but did not discover until 17 weeks as I still had periods. My other children were 10 and 8 so I was a bit worried about going back to Nappies again. My dh was like yours and made positive sounds. I went ahead and had the baby and I've never for a moment been sorry. I was also a bit worried DH might somehow think less of me if I aborted. But if I had found out at 8 weeks or sooner I would have considered an abortion but don't know if I could have carried it out. I do know a person who had an abortion and has never forgiven herself though. Her relationship with DH was spoiled and he blamed her. It's a hard decision to make. If you definitely can't afford a baby or your DH wants an abortion it is probably an easier decision to make.

All you can do is weigh up the pros and cons and make the decision that feels right to you at the time.

It sounds like your gut feeling is that you don't want another baby, and if that's the case it's ok to feel that way.

You should of course speak to your husband but as you're the one who will have to deal with a pregnancy, it is ultimately your decision.

Neither choice is inherently wrong so please don't feel guilty or fearful, you're doing what's best for you (whatever choice you make) in an unexpected situation.

This is bollocks though.

Sometimes the world throws things at us that overwhelming, stressful and make us feel regret and mental strain. Not that this would happen to OP but it's not necessarily all tea and crumpets, is it?

Your husband sounds lovely. He's letting you make the decision free of pressure.

If you can manage financially and your health is ok, then it could be the right choice to let the pregnancy continue. You're very unlikely to regret having another child.

I had two under two, in a lot of ways I think it is easier than having a bigger gap. Only you can decide whether you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, if it was my decision I would have the baby. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

Lots of women don't regret having abortions and plenty do regret having further children, it's just a taboo subject.

I'm not saying that would necessarily be the OP's situation but I feel like some posters here are trying to talk her into a particular course of action while minimising her very valid concerns.

Totally agree.

In my experience, first-time mothers are the ones who might regret having children. It's very unlikely that someone who knows what it's like to raise children and has the resources to do so is going to wish they hadn't had the youngest.

The OP asked for different views. She seems able to evaluate her options rationally

I didn't say it would be easy, but you'd find a way to cope. You'd have to. Anyway, it's only one school of thought.

A little bit of context, our older two DC are 10 and 8, one boy and one girl, our baby is only 8 months so would be around 15 months when this one would be born. Our older two absolutely adore the baby but I'm worried the novelty won't last for another.

I am also normally of the mindset that everything happens for a reason but ultimately I have doubts this time around that I never had with the others.

I am a 36 year old mother of a seven-year-old boy who is undergoing and autism assessment and is very challenging and a three-year-old boy who is very strong-willed and challenging also and who wakes up three four times every night whom share a room.
I have been on contraception for three years and now unfortunately the contraception has failed and I have found out I have an unexpected pregnancy.
Before this news I always worried in later life I would regret not trying for a girl or another child but me and my partner agreed it was for the best because we are struggling with the boys we have already we are just getting in a situation to look for buying a house and I have got my career started and getting some time to myself etc.
Now I have the dilemma whether or not I should keep the baby it makes sense in my head practically that it is not the best idea but also I don't know if I could live with the regret I don't have a strong inkling of what to do and I'm finding it very difficult and with the time pressure I think the decision will be harder if I do decide to abort after leaving it longer.
The main concern is sleep deprivation as I'm already at my wits end with my youngest and it feels like torture waking so frequently and the financial side with regards to adding one more child into the mix the mortgage lender would offer us significantly less money as we may not be able to afford a property we need/want despite having a hefty deposit.
I feel everything else would be very difficult of course but we'd manage, my partner will support me whatever but knows what an upset it would be to our lives. I'm really struggling to make a clear decision and would like some advice?