When to tell family (TW death)

[WhatIsntInAName]

Hi, I'm lucky enough to be expecting my first, actually first grandchild on both sides should little bean be sticky! I'm having a dilemma about when to tell immediate family.

We're pretty scattered but all due to meet up for the bank holiday (I'll be 11 weeks) so we were going to have an early scan next week and tell them then, all being well. Unfortunatley a family member passed suddenly, which has been devastating. Funeral now planned for just before bank holiday. Due to this, some of us now need to work the bank holiday so we'll only see them the day before and day of the funeral.

Obviously the funeral is not the time or place. But I also know they will be gutted to not be told face to face or much later in the pregnancy. Due to distance I'd be nearly 20 weeks before I'd next have the chance to tell them face to face. Complicating this, I've been very unwell and on anti-sickness in and out of hospital so I have no idea if I'll be able to get through the funeral without vomiting. Any wise mumsnet advice?

I'd wait till after 12 week scan and do a video call. If they're that far away they can't expect to be told face to face.

I had this but later on in pregnancy around week 18 was funeral of a grandparent so announced before as was showing and didn’t want to turn up at funeral with a bump and look like I was trying to make the day about me

if you want to and can get away with it keep things quiet for a bit longer although lots of people did come and ask about baby and pregnancy etc so think it did bring a bit of happiness to a sad occasion

What relative is it?

Id tell people the day before if it was a less immediate family member eg. Cousin, aunt/uncle via inlaws etc. Basically as long as it wasnt a parent sibling or partner of anyone present and acknowledge the bad timing

I'd then announce it to wider family later virtually

Sorry that's not clear, I meant I'd tell Immediate family (grand parents, mum, dad, siblings) if it wasn't their parents, siblings or partner. Then tell wider family later

I don't see what's wrong with not telling them in advance and then just seeing them at the funeral if you want to let them know face to face? You'll hopefully be obviously pregnant by then so it wouldn't be awkward or make the day about you and tbh it might bring some "light" relief as something to look forward to on what would otherwise be a sad day. You may be creating this into a bigger "thing" than it needs to be which is inevitable at this stage in your pregnancy.

I had this when I was pregnant. Saw family at my nanna's funeral at 11 weeks, didn't say anything, and then again at my grandad's funeral about 7 weeks later. Again, my son was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. If you really want to let them know earlier then just do a video call with your news as like others have said, if they live far away then they can't expect to be told as early as possible AND in person.

Thanks everyone, not sure how to tag but the not face to face thing is contentious because we moved away. They were very upset when we did because we're now much closer to in laws (the unfairness of us picking the in laws over them 🤔😂 when it was due to job offers).

We were only going to tell parents/ siblings. However the funeral is for one of their parents/sibling/partner as trinityloop said. Trying to keep it vague as outing but it feels wrong to be sat with them the evening before they bury their parent/sibling/spouse and announce I'm pregnant, and like I'm trying to make it about me when they're quite rightly distracted and devastated and need support.

It doesn’t have to be an ‘announcement’ unless you make it one. You can quietly and sensitively tell your parents and siblings that you are pregnant, you’re keeping it quiet because it’s early days, and that your priority is to support the bereaved person.

I would advise waiting until 12 weeks anyway as then you’re sure everything is fine.

I shared my news at 12 weeks with close family a week after my grandma died and it really fell flat on the parts of the family that were grieving, I think they were overwhelmed by it really. So I would bear in mind that it might be a more enjoyable occasion if you save it for when everyone has the emotional space to be happy for you. Perhaps make a special occasion to visit those family members with a tendency to feel left out, but when you’re sure they’re in a good place.

I’m sorry for your loss first off 😞. I would personally wait and do it by video call or something. It’s not that it’s making the day about you but the family will be grieving and the reaction to your news will be a lot more excited and joyful if not surrounded by grief. Doing it before may be a bit too early. I would at least have the nhs 12 weeks scan first (they look for things a private scan doesn’t) as it will be more grief for your family if something wasn’t right. I’m sure everything is absolutely fine though but it’s my opinion just in case 💕