TTC after baby loss (neonatal death)

[Angelma]

I wondered if anyone would share their thoughts regarding mixed feelings on TTC. My baby died last year at two days old.I often think about TTC and plan when I’ll start in my head, but some days I feel like I don’t want to. I change my mind all of the time.I want another baby because I want my baby back, but of course that cant happen, this then puts me off. I’m also worried that I won’t love another baby, that I won’t be able to bond because I’m too sad, or that I’ll look at them and not feel anything .I’m also scared that another baby will die and I don’t know if I could survive this pain again.There must be other women here who feel like this, or who have felt like this and then came to a decision they are comfortable with. I’d really like to know what other people feel about this because I’m so confused.

So sorry this happened to you. 😢 You're still not far from the highest pitch of grief.

How old are you? Can you chronologically 'afford' to give it more time before trying again? And/or maybe have therapy to help if you can.

Oh goodness that's so sad, I'm very sorry to hear that.
Have you tried any counselling? It may help you to process your feelings and open up to moving forwards. It must be very hard, do seek sone support

I'm 36 this year, so still have 'time'. We might like to have two more children so this influences timing too.
I've started counselling. I'm not finding it overly helpful at the moment.

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our little boy at 33 weeks in 2020 l, he was stillborn. I completely understand where you're coming from, we waiting about 9 months before deciding to have another baby but it took a while. I had 2 miscarriages after our little boy.

Our little girl arrived unexpectedly early at 27 weeks so that was traumatic in itself but she's been amazing and I'm so glad we had another.

In all honesty there are times when I double take, especially in a sleep deprived state because she looks like him and it's hard going through all the milestones that he missed with her but I love her for her. If anything losing him has made me love much more deeply, I suppose you know what's at stake.

We do have an older daughter as well who is 5 so that definitely made a difference to our decision as to whether to have another baby.

It's so hard, I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

I lost my little girl at 26 weeks pregnant, it was an IVF pregnancy and when we discovered how unwell she was and made the awful decision to let that suffering end it was the worst time of my life.
I have to admit I was consumed with trying again. I went straight back to IVF and I definitely wasn't mentally ready. When our first transfer failed I cried because I wanted my daughter. I wanted her back and well.
Our next round worked and I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with another little girl. Right from the start I have been able to separate out my pregnancies. This is a different baby, she has her own personality and that has even been apparent on scans and at checks. I still miss my daughter. It feels like part of me is missing and I think of her everyday. But I am excited to meet this little one, to see what she does with her life. In terms of pregnancy after loss it is really really hard. I've had multiple complications this time, I have a large ectropian, I have lots of bleeds, my iron and thyroxine levels are low, I have high cord pressure and too much water so I need to be tested for gestational diabetes again. The team looking after me has been lovely, the occasional communication issue but more about long terms plans rather than immediate reactions.
There is no right answer for when or if you try. For me I was more afraid of never bringing a living baby home with me. Of only ever being Mum to a little girl I had to let go.
There's no right or wrong for when you try. Whether it's quickly or after some time off. And I think because of the magnitude of our loss we will always question our decisions and always fear the worst. The worst thing happened to us, so our brains tell us that will happen again. It's not the case but you can't just push it aside. I have good days and bad in this pregnancy and the fear is intense.
I'm so sorry your little one died. It's not fair.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've sent you a private message with my experiences.

I've started counselling. I'm not finding it overly helpful at the moment.

@Angelma Change to a different therapist. Not everyone suits everyone, plus not all counsellors are equally good.

Even if you're with the NHS for it, they understand that some people don't happen to get on with the first therapist they're put with, and will let people swap. You wouldn't go back to the bottom of the list.

@Kitkat247 I have come across your post regarding your loss and I've just been through a similar experience.
Is there any way we can have a chat? X