Family visits after birth

[What2do22]

Hi, I’m due to have my first baby in June and wanted to see how everyone is planning on handling friends/family meeting the baby and if I’m being a bit out of order with my attitude towards it.

We live fairly near my family (45 mins), and of course I’d obviously want my mum close by for after birth, which would mean my parents would meet them pretty much straight away. However, my partners family live 5 hours away, and he isn’t particularly close to them (slightly better now he’s older but it’s definitely still a strained relationship on his side and I find it so awkward to be around them). So visiting would involve them being down for a few days, luckily we don’t have room in our house so it’d have to be a hotel. Recovering from birth + adjusting to becoming a parent isn’t something I want to do with visitors who’d be around for the majority of the day. But then I feel bad because my parents would probably come round quite a lot, so am I being mean for denying my partner the same? How are all of you planning on doing visits?

I would have been in a similar situation on my first had it not been for COVID almost the exact same distances.

DH has good relationship with family. MIL had always said she would wait 2 to 3 weeks before coming to let us settle etc (she is the opposite to over bearing luckily) you may find that they have a similar attitude and therefore might be nothing to worry about unless you know they want to come asap x

My advice would be not to worry about it too much.

The beauty of having a new baby is that you can just pick them and go upstairs with them for however long you like. So even if the in laws do come for several hours you can still have some space from them if you need it.

You can let people come and also set clear boundaries, eg they need to be out by 6pm so you can give the baby quiet time in the evening to settle. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, just be clear about it and then it’s up to them whether to wait til later. They also don’t need to know if your family is around more, as long as your partner isn’t upset by the imbalance.

I don't think you can deny them coming to see the baby and have your parents there but you could be honest and just say they are welcome for a day but you will be very tired and would like to rest after etc

I was in an almost identical situation, and DH’s family came to stay in a local hotel when DC was about a week old (but we had only been out of hospital 12 hours). I sat and drank a hot cup of tea whilst they had cuddles, and then I napped. They cooked and cleared up, and actually it was fine. Repeat for a few days.

When they left, MIL thanked me for letting them come so early, and seemed genuinely pleased. They then didn’t come back for another two months or so, but we’ve seen lots more of my family who are closer.

In all honesty, I invited them from a sense of moral obligation, but I am now glad I did.

Unfortunately she’s already said she’d be here like a bullet, so I’m worried as soon as they learn I’m in labour they’ll start travelling so would probably be here before they’re even born!

That’s true and would be a good compromise as I do feel bad not letting them meet the baby, but would feel guilty about them not having much else to do in the area once they leave our house. It’s more that I want to feel comfortable in my own home to look a complete frazzled mess and not have to be social.

As long as they don't expect to be waited on, I don't really see the issue. I had both my mum and my in laws come to the hospital the day after I had DS and they all met him together. I probably then saw my mum more often because she lived closer but also because she had no other grandchildren whereas MIL had been through it 6 times previously. To be honest, I would have been happy to welcome anyone for a visit.

Don’t tell them! We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour because we didn’t want to provide constant updates. Just told people once the baby had been born.

We also didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour, just video called with the screen held to the baby.

I asked DH to speak to his parents before they arrived, explaining I was feeling emotionally delicate and might need a bit of space or quiet time with, or without, the baby. They can be quite blunt, and I didn’t want any little comments. I don’t know if he did or not, but they were on best behaviour! It’s fine to be a physical/emotional mess in your own home after a birth, but it’s natural to feel fragile - they have at least one child, so hopefully can either be understanding or polite enough to bite their tongues until they have left.

Thank you for all of the replies, it was just more of a vent I wanted as I know I can’t (and wouldn’t want to) stop them meeting the baby. It’s more that they do have a strained relationship and it’s incredibly awkward so I can just imagine it being worse when we’re trying to get used to a baby. I’ll just have to set clear boundaries as I do think I have a right to be a little bit selfish.

@What2do22 Hi Op, myself and my partner are saying that we’re not accepting visits for 2-3 days once baby is born, we’re new parents so need to adjust. We are making an exception just for parents but apart from that, I initially wanted a week but my partner and I compromised at 2-3 days, this would be totally within your right to do!

I'm of the opinion that as women do the hard work of pregnancy and birth, it's not unfair for us to feel less comfortable having our in-laws than our own families, and it's ok not to apply the same visiting rules. You will still be recovering from the birth. Maybe don't decide now, see how you feel? I also wouldn't tell them when I was going into labour - it's a private time and you will be vulnerable.