Depression in Pregnancy

[Ajoan]

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting on here so sorry if the below is an essay! I am currently about 10 weeks pregnant - with my first midwife appointment tomorrow.

This was an unplanned pregnancy that my partner and I have decided to keep, orignally I wanted a termination but couldn't go through with it and we ultimately do want kids in the future (at 30, we are 28 now). However I am finding it incredibly overwhelming & am struggling to get excited about anything & feel extremely depressed most days. Like many women my physical symptoms have been awful and contributes to how I am feeling mentally. I keep feeling this isn't the right time, but at the same time will there ever be a right time?! Sometimes I feel myself hoping for a miscarriage just so I can escape the horrible physical symptoms and this black cloud.

I am struggling the most is the thought of being pregnant! I hate being locked up in the house, but the physical symptoms are too much sometimes and it leaves me no choice but to stay in all day. I also have severe emetophobia and fear of feeling ill.

I love kids! But I am not the biggest baby lover - and that scares me, am I ready? is anyone truly ready? The stuff you have to buy and learn just seems so overwhelming at the moment!

My parents, and rightly so, are extremely happy & excited, they want to tell everyone and talk constantly, I am not there yet & am struggling to deal with their emotion - I don’t want to be selfish and take this away from them but at the same time I need them to chill out - does that make sense? should I be as excited as they are? I feel I cannot turn to them about it at the moment.

On top of that my work place really aren't being supportive at all - because I need to work from home at the moment (due to throwing up and feeling nauseous all day) I feel as if I am being micromanaged and its causing me a lot of stress. I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead.

The combination of the above is just creating a perfect storm and creating this horrible low mood. I feel like I am the worst, most selfish person alive for feeling like this. I feel like I am excited to have this baby deep down, but its being overshadowed by the above. Sorry if the above sounds like a massive jumble its just hard to articulate your feelings when you have so many! any adivce would be massivly appercaited THANK YOU!

Bless you that sounds like a lot running through your mind. I've had days like this but can't imagine constantly feeling like it. I'm also first time and only 9 weeks so not sure I can advise much but I can say you're not alone. It's the biggest hormone changes ever and that's bound to affect your emotions big time. I keep feeling like how can something making me ill be a good thing, it's hard to get excited when you feel like sh*te all the time.
I've always heard people say that there's never a right time, I suspect you'd have the same emotions at age 30 too because it's the unpredictable, unexpected and as you say overwhelming minefield of stuff to get your head around but you will be able to, one step at a time.
If it were me, personally, I'd do the following - talk to your parents about how you feel sometimes, they wouldn't want to be scaring you with their enthusiasm and I bet your mum can empathise a lot, may even have some useful tips.
Talk to your midwife openly about this, it will be so common and there's a difference between feeling a bit low or feeling completely depressed every day, they will be able to help with this.
Talk to work, be it your supervisor if you get on or HR, they need to understand what you're going through. They're perhaps just trying to check in with you and make you feel included rather than pressuring you but going about it the wrong way.
Finally, after those, wait- you've hit the peak of hormones now I think and loads of people say symptoms improve around weeks 12-16, you're meant to get more energy and feel more like yourself again, so fingers crossed that comes soon for you and you might start to feel more positive, even excited.
It's great that you love kids and I wouldn't let it bother you if you're not the biggest baby lover- you will be with your own I'm sure and they'll soon be toddling around and interacting with you. Stay strong and talk it out with people x

Hi Ajoan!

how are you feeling now? im around nearly 13 weeks pregnant and feel exactly like you. I have my first midwife appointment today. I found out at 9 weeks and was a due termination today but we changed out mind last week hence the late midwife appointment. Nobody knows but me and my partner, i dont know why but i just wish we was in our ownlittle bubble where we could keep it a secret forever. We aren't in the right place to have a baby, we dont even live togther, we still live with our parents! it would be nice to hear how you are now and hopefully i wont be feeling so down at some point in the future. im just feeling anxious most the time :(