How to accept that my baby is gone

[Backtobed]

Hi all, I had a miscarriage on Easter Sunday and I'm really struggling to the point where I've barely eaten and slept.

It took a year to get pregnant and the thought of waiting that long again makes me sick to my stomach.

I had a blood test done yesterday but apparently it still said I was pregnant so I've got to have another one done on Friday. I already know the outcome and I think maybe them dragging it out is making it worse for me. It's like false hope even though I know for sure there is no hope.

If anyone has any words I could really use some comfort x

I am so so sorry for your loss. I say that as someone who has had multiple miscarriages over a 7 year period, but has now come out the other side with 2 wonderful DDs. I do realise that, however painful things were at the time, I am one of the lucky ones.

My first miscarriage was during Easter 2011, and I remember having a D and C on Good Friday. I became pregnant again within a few months and two years later, Easter fell on the weekend of my daughters first birthday.

It is so so hard, and please be kind to yourself. But, at the same time (from my experience) hang in there….. xxxx

Thank you so much for sharing that @Idgaff I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and also do happy to hear about your wonderful DDs.

It definitely is awful at the moment but taking it one day at a time xx

Hi, I just wanted to share that I know the pain you feel. I had three miscarriages before my first child and losing my babies was a pain like nothing I've ever experienced. I also took quite a while to get pregnant between no 2 and 3 miscarriages and it was very hard. However between miscarriage 3 and my daughter it was only 4 months. After having my daughter we had an ooops and had our second daughter. Just to offer hope that it won't necessarily take a year again. I never in a million years would dream I would have had an accidental pregnancy, I just couldn't imagine they happened when I had hoped and waited for so long for my first child.
Lots of love and feel free to message me if you want to vent x

I had a miscarriage just before my 12 week scan and I was devastated. I went on to have two amazing DDs, I call them my little rainbows because I honestly thought I would never have kids as I was getting older .

How far along were you, OP?

I had five miscarriages before getting pregnant with my son. It was the worst time of my life. I got pregnant very easily each time but none of them seemed to stick.

The first time I found out I was pregnant was over Easter 2019, I found out on Good Friday and then miscarried the next week. By Easter 2020 (lockdown) I was going through my 4th miscarriage. But that did mark a turning point for me, and just after Easter 2021 I was holding my first baby in my arms. This Easter we celebrated his 2nd birthday, and also introduced my new three month old daughter to the extended family. If I'd known three years ago that we would be in this position now I never would have believed it.

I didn't have any more miscarriages between my two children.

Thank you @BTVWX that's really comforting to read. I think I need to stop focusing on how long it took me to get pregnant the first time because I know that doesn't necessarily mean it will take a year again. It definitely gives me hope, a surprise baby sounds like such a blessing x

@Mamapiggywig that must have been absolutely awful for you, I'm so sorry. I'm so happy you got your 2 little rainbows x

@RosaBonheur I was around 6 weeks. My goodness you are so brave to have gone through all of that, it must have been awful for you. Amazing that now only a few years later you have 2 wonderful children, I'm so happy for you. Fingers crossed by next Easter I might have had some better luck

Dear @Backtobed I had many miscarriages before my DS finally arrived, I feel for you it is so hard.

BUT, my consultant at the time said the fact that I had got pregnant was a good thing, as my body knew how to do it and was receptive to a pregnancy; so although I know that your loss will be devastating, hold onto the fact that your body can do it, and having done it once should be more than capable of doing it again.

I am not trying to minimise your loss and distress in any way, I know you wanted this baby, not a future one, and I well remember how wretched I felt, but those words from the consultant were a tiny gleam of hope at a bleak time; I hope they are able to help you just a little.

I'm so sorry. You need time. It does get easier, I promise and there is hope.

I have had two miscarriages. The first after nearly a year of trying, the second after three years of trying. But each time I got pregnant straight after (within 2-3months) and have two healthy children. You are at your most fertile straight after a pregnancy.

Rest, let yourself cry, take time off. It will
Be ok.

So, so very sorry. I know your pain. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage too. For me it all started on April Fools day 2018. I thought I was ~8 weeks at the time, but scans showed the embryo never developed past 5.

It felt so incredibly unfair after we'd been trying for so long. Two whole years and two months by that point. I think we actually conceived the day of our first fertility appointment. But then to have it snatched away so soon after the joy of finding out was devastating. As there was considerable doubt over dates, as there has been no recent period to date from, I had to remain in limbo for a further two weeks. Though I knew in my heart it was all over. It was awful at the time. I cried for days. Then, even though the initial grief had passed, I couldn't be around pregnant women or young babies for a while afterwards.

Since then I've had two children and a diagnosis of PCOS. First was conceived 11 months later with the help of a single dose of Clomid. Second was conceived while on metformin and inositol (to regulate periods and help ovulation respectively) after 5 months trying.

For now; Rest. Heal. Grieve. Be kind to yourself. Time will heal, and you will feel better one day, I promise.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

I am really sorry for your loss OP, I totally understand what your are going through. I had three miscarriages back to back within a period of 6 months. Then we struggled to conceive for almost 3 years. But finally we have our rainbow DD now.

It may not take another year for you to conceive, please don't lose hopes. Miscarriages are such heartaches, they never go away but the pain reduces with time!

Please do take care of your physical and mental health, all the best to you xx

Thank you @Umbellifer you are absolutely right and that brings me some comfort to know that my body did it once so it will be able to do it again. After trying for so long I was wondering if it was even possible, so knowing that it is gives me hope

Thank you @Kdubs1981 I didn't know that you are more fertile after a pregnancy, fingers crossed things can happen sooner this time

Thank you @Dyra I think that's the worst feeling, that it's so unfair even though there's nothing that can be done about it. I have a PCOS diagnosis and am on clomid and insoitol. It's frustrating because I see people on here tracking ovulation etc and that's just impossible for me, feels like everything is working against me

Thank you @drV it really is comforting to hear that people have gone on to have successful pregnancies, even after multiple miscarriages

I'm doing a bit better today and my bleeding has slowed down which is a help. I wanted to take the time to reply to everyone individually because all of your messages really have been a comfort to me at a time when I needed it so much x

Sorry for your loss 😓
It took us 2 years to get pregnant & unfortunately I had a MMC at 10+1 weeks in January, which was such a shock as no signs at all.

We have recently found out we are pregnant again, so it may not take you another year 😊 I'm super anxious though! X

I am very sorry for your loss. I had a Mc over 18 years ago at 12 weeks. I actually got pg accidentally 1 week later, which was psychologically very hard. However, I have an 18 and 14 year of now and they are both amazing.
Everyone grieves differently but a few things that you might find helpful.

Dont be surprised if other people don’t understand, they might not know what to say so could say something crass - they don’t mean it, they just don’t get it
Take as long as you want, there is no timescales, you are under no obligation to “get over it”
We donate to a children’s hospice each Xmas in my baby’s name and has a tree planted by the Forestry commission (I think that’s who it was)
You will eventually feel better, you won’t forget but after a while hours, days and weeks will go by without you thinking about them. That’s ok but then suddenly it will come back to you and it hits you hard again.

Best wishes for the future x

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that will make the pain go away other than time, it's hard.

I've had 13 unexplained miscarriages, I'm now 34 weeks pregnant with what I can only describe as a miracle.

It's horrific and sad and painful but I promise you, there is hope ♥️

Sending hugs x

It is still so raw but you will heal. I had a miscarriage, 10 weeks, I knew it had happened before it was confirmed but I completely ran away from it. Booked a very expensive weeks holiday with my DH, didn't want to talk to anyone, to tell anyone, to see anyone, until it had all made sense in my mind. I still have never talked about it with anyone but my DH really, not on a deeper level anyway. That was March 2017. In April 2018, I gave birth to my daughter, and I now have a son too. Don't write yourself off, take time to heal, do what you need to do, and when you are ready, get back to it and stay positive. It doesn't feel possible right now but it will be. Much love.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried early on with my first pregnancy, it had taken us around 12 months and some tablets from the doctors to conceive. I was devastated but it also made me more determined to try again. They advised us to wait three months before trying again and I actually fell pregnant straight away with no assistance and went on to have a problem free pregnancy (and another one after that). Be gentle with yourself OP, take time to grieve, but don't give up

@elm26 your post made me cry- the fact that you never gave up is incredible and it must have been so difficult for you. I'm so happy for you that you have your little miracle now

@Backtobed Haven't personally had a miscarriage, but remember the absolute fear in early pregnancy in case one might occur.
I have friends who suffered them, and to a woman, all had a successful pregnancy after their Loss.
It must be incredibly hard for you.
A lovely friend was in tears over a friend of her's miscarriage, as it reminded her so poignantly of her own loss.
She now has a lovely family.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am, it's such a hard thing to go through. Sending hugs x

Good morning everyone and thank you so much for the messages, you don't understand how much I needed to wake up to all of your kind words this morning.

I thought I was starting to feel better but last night I completely broke down. It's honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Reading all of your messages about how you were able to go on to have babies afterwards is a real light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I truly can't thank you enough and I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this too, some of you so many times 😢 trying to be more positive today and going to try and get out of the house this weekend, even just for a meal x

@Backtobed I am so sorry for what you are going through. I had a MMC at 12 weeks in Dec 2021. I have PCOS and post miscarriage discovered I also had a thyroid problem. I absolutely lost it for the 9 months after the miscarriage, it was one of the worst times of my life, but I'm here now, 34 weeks pregnant which I never, ever thought I would be in that dark period.

I know it feels unbearable right now, try and focus on each day at a time and finding the little good things that can start to brighten you up again. If you can talk to someone, a partner, friend, therapist etc, please do, but if you can't I found even just crying in the bath sometimes to be quite helpful!

Thinking of you, and if you can speak to a specialist (NHS or private) do ask them about aspirin. It may be totally anecdotal, but a lovely NHS gynaecologist recommended I take it after ovulation in light of my history (PCOS, age, miscarriage) and that was the month that worked. Everyone is different, and it probably was just luck, but worth speaking to someone if you can!

I’m so, so sorry @Backtobed. I had an mc in March - thought I was 10 weeks but the baby had died at 7 weeks. Utterly devastated. The people at the pregnancy unit where I had the scan kept talking to me about when to try again and I just wanted to scream ‘I don’t want to try again, I want THIS baby!’

Now, my partner and I are talking about starting to try again soon. It doesn’t mean we’re over it - we never will be. Some people start trying to conceive again straight away, others need longer. You just go at your own pace - don’t worry about what you should be feeling or should be doing. Breaking down is normal, and it’ll happen again. Think positively but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t! Literally one day - one hour - at a time. Really hope you’re ok xx