Firstly, I apologise for the length of this post. I think I have probably read just about every miscarriage / recurrent pregnancy loss post on Mumsnet and know that for those suffering information is hard to find. I therefore want to give as much detail as I can in the hope that it might help somebody.
So here is my story…
In January 2017 we decided to start trying for a baby. I was 32 and had no reason to believe we would have any difficulties.
In February I had my first BFP. We were thrilled. But at 5 weeks I started spotting and by just over 6 weeks it was all over.
At this point I figured it was just one of those things. I had fallen pregnant quickly so we would try again.
In April I had my second positive. This time I started bleeding at 6 weeks. It was all over again.
I knew this could be bad luck but I wanted answers. I paid to see a private gynaecologist (not a RPL specialist) who basically said lupus was the only known cause of RPL (not true) and he would test for that. I didn’t have it. He suggested I try low dose 75mg aspirin daily next time and he would give me regular early scans.
In September I had my third positive. I spotted at 6 weeks, but only for one day. I took aspirin daily, I had weekly early scans with the private consultant and in late June 2019 my beautiful son was born. At this point I thought that my miscarriage journey was over.
In June 2020 we decided to stop using any contraception and see what happened. We were in no rush, but knew we would like a second.
We were surprised but thrilled when in July we had a positive - our fourth. Given my history I paid for an early private scan at 7 weeks. All was well. I took aspirin again and looked forward to having 2 under 2.
At 10 weeks, still feeling nervous, I paid for a second private scan. This was during lockdown so went along on my own, not really believing anything was wrong, but just wanting some reassurance. This was my first experience of hearing the words “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat”. I was broken. I had to wait on my own for someone else to come and double check, before walking alone to another department to be given paperwork explaining my options. This was my third loss and my first silent miscarriage.
I opted for medical management (a tablet) which for me was brutal. I bled for around 12 weeks and my mental health hit rock bottom.
Whilst this was my 3rd loss, the NHS requires 3 consecutive losses before investigating, so we agreed to just try again.
January 2021 was my next positive - this ended at 6 weeks.
March 2021 - positive again. This time after doing research I asked my GP to prescribe progesterone pessaries. I used these and took aspirin and held my breath. I was offered early scans by the consultant that I saw privately, and at 6 and 7 weeks these looked good. At 8 weeks growth had slowed. I was reassured that measurements aren’t accurate etc, but I knew. At 11 weeks I got to hear those words again (alone - still due to Covid) there was no heartbeat. My second silent miscarriage, my 5th loss and my 3rd recurrent loss.
This time I opted to let things happen naturally. It took another 3 weeks, but I found this a much better experience than the medical management. I was offered genetic testing of my baby. Taking my tiny baby into hospital in a lunch box was horrific (again, alone). This was made worse by being met by a heartless consultant who took my baby from me and said “you’re 36, what do you expect”. This was without doubt the lowest I felt in my journey. Up until this point I had not taken any time off work and had just carried on. This time I was broken. I took a week off to try to heal, but all I could think about was having another baby.
The genetic testing wasn’t successful - I had carried the baby too long after it had died and no genetic material was available for testing. I buried this baby in my garden along with his or her sibling. This was important to me and helped with me healing.
The only positive was that I had now reached the magic 3 recurrent losses so was offered testing. I will spare the detail of those, as in short, nothing was found. No answers. Try again.
November 2021. Positive again. Loss at 6 weeks. Loss number six.
January 2022. Positive again. Loss at 6 weeks. Loss number seven. Through each of these losses I took aspirin and used progesterone.
At this point, after further research, I asked to be referred to the Tommys unit at Coventry hospital (a 4 hour drive away). I spoke with the wonderful professor Quenby who agreed to carry out further testing (genetic) and asked if I would like to be part of the CERM trial. You can find details online, but in short investigating whether a common antibiotic can help prevent miscarriage in women with chronic endometritis (an inflammation of the womb lining - not to be confused with endometriosis).
The genetic testing was clear. I signed up to the CERM trial. This involved a biopsy which I found painless. I was found to have endometritis and was given tablets - I do not know whether these were a placebo or antibiotics.
Once I had finished these I was told to try again. I was told to take aspirin, use progesterone and ask my local hospital for 2 weekly scans from 6 weeks.
April 2022 - positive again. I took the aspirin, I used the progesterone.
I also asked for my thyroid to be checked once pregnant. Whilst my levels were normal when not pregnant I had read a study that suggested some women’s levels only become too high when pregnant. Thy were tested at 4 weeks (normal) and 6 weeks (outside the normal range). I was put on 50mg of thyroxine.
The 6 week scan was good, as was 8 week. I held my breath. I couldn’t think or really do anything for those first weeks. I passed the 12 week milestone. I thought my anxiety would fade at this point, but it never did. I googled relentlessly. Nothing reassured me for more than a few hours. I just counted the hours and days.
In January 2023 I welcomed my beautiful daughter who is currently asleep on me.
She was my 9th pregnancy.
Holding her now it has all been worthwhile. But, as someone who is generally strong mentally, this experience has without a doubt been the worst thing that I have ever been through. To describe it as brutal doesn’t seem strong enough. The strain on me and on my marriage has at times been too hard to bear. But we got there. For me, and this is a very personal thing, I never wanted to give up. The thing that kept me going was trying again. I just had to keep going.
I will never know what was different this time. Maybe the antibiotics (if I had those and not a placebo) maybe the biopsy (there is some thought that this can promote healing) maybe the thyroxine. Or maybe, this little girl was just supposed to be mine.
To anyone on this journey, my heart goes out to you. I know that not everyone gets a happy ending and I do feel extremely lucky to now have my two beautiful children. I hope that my story may help somebody to push for the help they need - I found that throughout I had to push and ask and research as the support just isn’t there unless you ask for it.
If anyone going through this would like to message me, I will do all that I can to support and help.
I hope that my story provides someone with some hope x