Help: Pregnant, but own health issues, plus bad relationship with partner

[KokoNights]

Hello everyone.

I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant a week ago, and my immediate reaction was panic.

I had a missed miscarriage last May/June, and since then I've had fertility issues (hormonal imbalances) as my periods didn't ever properly come back. Since that time, I've also had lots of health issues, which have not been properly diagnosed or treated - not for lack of trying, but I don't think the healthcare system is in a good place right now. It's possible that I have Long Covid, as I caught Covid about a month after my miscarriage. So I'm already anxious about being pregnant, the impact it's going to have on my health, and that of the developing fetus.

However, probably the even bigger issue is that since my previous miscarriage, my relationship with my partner of 3+ years has been bad. We're constantly arguing - I feel like he's disregarded my wellbeing on so many occasions, and I struggle to get him to care about me when I'm suffering physically or mentally - some examples are telling me I was 'paranoid and feeding my anxiety' when I was experiencing cramps and wanted to get a private scan; bullying me into going to a wedding halfway across the country just after my miscarriage surgery because of how it would look if we didn't go (the groom was my friend and said it was absolutely fine it we didn't come). Also, because he owns the flat that we live in (I just pay him rent) he doesn't let me have an equal opinion about decisions which should be joint, like future house purchasing etc. My gut instinct is telling me that I am not sure I can trust this person to have my back, and that he's not the person I want 'on my team' to have children with.

On the other hand, the ONE thing I've wanted in life is children. I am not particularly young, and with my fertility issues, it's possible that I might not be able to conceive again.

I think I about about 5.5 weeks. It's hard to know as my cycles have been so irregular. I think my options are:
a) To terminate the pregnancy
b) To give the child up for adoption (not sure whether I could go through with this after bonding with the child in the initial weeks)
c) To be a single parent (but I don't think I am in the right economic or health situation to do this)
d) Try and have the child together, but somehow revive the relationship to the satisfaction of both parties

Any thoughts or advice? I was wondering whether we could have an emergency relationship counselling session together (working through issues takes time, but not sure we have loads on our side), but no idea on how to arrange this?

Thank you to everyone who reads this :)

Unfortunately having a baby is likely to put further strain on your relationship, has it always been like this or has it changed recently? The issues you have described as quite worrying and could be harmful to a child’s development if they continued after they were born, or even before.
How would you feel if you had the baby and things didn’t work out?
It’s going to be a difficult decision which ever choice you make. You need to decide which you would feel most comfortable with first.

Thanks for responding!

The issues mostly started after the miscarriage. I think it's partly me because my hormones have been so out of whack so I have been emotional, and admittedly I have been anxious / overly anxious, which I know must seem annoying to an external observer. But it would be nice to have some understanding, and not be dismissed as 'overreacting'.

The stuff with the house/flat - he has always been a bit like this. I thought I was chipping slowly away at him over time, but now I'm not sure....

To be frank, you don't sound at all sure about the relationship and from what you've written I would say there are some orange, if not red flags. I think if you are completely honest with yourself, your instinct is that he's not the one?

If I were you I think I would look to doing some counselling sessions but not necessarily with him. You need to work out for yourself what you really want from a partner and also your thoughts and concerns around having a child and potentially being a single parent (even if you choose option 4 but ultimately can't save the relationship then this is a possibility and I think it would do you good to have a space to really think it through.

The big one is, if you knew now that this is your only chance to have a child, with or without him, would you go for it?

I'm guessing there are support threads for single Mums. Might be worth seeking some advice there - especially from any who have also had health issues etc.

The truth is that even women who are gloriously happy in their relationships can suddenly find themselves alone unexpectedly - having a partner can't be taken for granted and having a child with someone is always a bit of a gamble. The only person you can fully rely on is yourself and the support networks you create around yourself. So start there. Your biggest choice is, do you want this baby or not. The rest will follow.

Wishing you all the best with whatever path you choose to take. ❤️

How old are you?

Just my 10 quids worth...as I have been in a similar situation....

I think it is highly unlikely that you will ever be able to revive the relationship to even resemble something you deserve. And you do deserve someone who treats you better. Staying together for children is not healthy.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you need to remember you will be tied to this man forever. Is he likely to coparent at all or help financially? Or will he make things even more stressful?

My exH walked away out DC and has never contacted them since they were 5 and 1. While my life was somewhat easier that I didn't have to coparent it is hard doing things totally alone. Would you have a family support system if you were a single parent?

And I have had to help my kids navigate their feelings about parental rejection (as an adopted child I can attest to these too)......if you put your child up for adoption would you one day expect a relationship with them? Could you explain your decision to them? Could you cope if they decided to never contact you?

Good luck

Your partner sounds quite unsupportive. The travelling post miscarriage thing is insensitive at best. However, you want a child, this baby is already made, give a lot of thought to any decision. There is a lot of financial help for single parents these day, free nursery places etc. Parenting can be hard but it's also the most rewarding thing in the world.

Thanks everyone. There's loads of good points and things to consider.

I am leaning towards trying to solo parent. My partner hasn't bothered to ask how I am the last few days, even after I was in tears, telling him I was scared and afraid about the future.

It feels mad to consider solo parenting because I don't have a place of my own. I am in my mid 30s but live in London so even renting a 1 bed is sadly out of my budget. I have some savings for a deposit, but the issue is that interest rates are so high I could never make monthly repayments even on a 1 bed flat in outer London.

I guess I would have to relocate somewhere cheaper, but then I wouldn't have a support network (except my parents who are in their mid60s already and I'd feel guilty on relying on them too much). I will try and look on some boards for single parents to work out if this is going to be a viable option for me personally.

Not clear if you've told him, but if you're going to go it alone I would ditch him now, don't tell him you're pregnant and don't put him on the BC.

but personally in your situation I'd terminate and ditch him.
good luck with your decisions.