Viewing treatment as child by parents differently now pregnant

[JacksonStreet]

As a child, my father was very volatile, shouting at me and being unpleasant, and criticising me for no reason at all. He would also say inappropriate things about my friends, body and appearance. He no longer shouts but still criticises, belittles me, and comments on my appearance and weight which makes me feel constantly scrutinised. To write this down, I feel so angry but for years I have put up with it even though it has made me feel sad and uncomfortable.

Now pregnant, I feel like I have woken up to how awful this all is, especially when I was a child. I have been avoiding seeing him for months now although I know this is not sustainable. If I got upset when I was younger, my mum would always tell me she was stuck in the middle and just dismiss things as my dad being stressed. I think she'd say something similar if I tried talking to her now.

Has anyone else had these revelations whilst pregnant and how did you deal with it?

I have self referred to talking therapy but not sure how quickly I will be able to speak to someone for support and guidance. My partner is wonderful and very supportive towards me. Right now, I don't want to see him at all at my most vulnerable. I've struggled with low self esteem throughout my life and I feel like I'm finally seeing where a lot of it originates from.

I'm really sorry that sounds horrible :(

I think it's very common to see your parents/childhood differently once you're pregnant or have a child yourself. I certainly did, it really changed my view on my dad

I think this is really common when you are pregnant. You are working out how you want to parent your own child. You'll pick out the good bits and do the opposite of the bad bits.

But, just to provide a different perspective; it's hard to be a perfect parent.

How one desires to parent when pregnant is not necessarily how you will actually parent in the real world. And no matter how amazing you think you have been, your child may feel differently once they reach adulthood.

Parenting is a really, really hard and it is impossible to do it perfectly.

I am not trying to diminish how you felt about your father's comments - they sound horrible to live with and really hard to justify. It's just that I have a lot more compassion for my parents, as the mum to adult children that I am now, because there is loads of stuff I'd love to go back and do differently if I could (despite loving them and wanting to be the best parent I could be).

At the end of the day we are all flawed human beings. Therapy is great.

Sympathies OP - I've had exactly this but mainly with my mum. Being pregnant and parenting my now two year old DD has meant I've reflected a lot on the way my mum brought me up, the things she's said and done (and still does) and it does make me very sad.

I think therapy would really help me to work through those feelings but sadly can't afford it right now.

However, I do think it's a good thing that we are recognising it and working hard to parent differently, with more kindness and empathy. In 30 years research will have moved on and the 'best' way to parent will be different again but the best we can do is with what we know now.

Best of luck with your new baby OP x

This sounds really hard.

There will be a reason why your dad feels he needs to behave in this way & it'll be nothing to do with you but some insecurity, issue in his upbringing or failing in him.
The more important thing is that you recognise that it's his issue and separate it from the reality of who you are and the parent you will be.

In a film you'd be able to sit him down & enlighten him sufficiently to change his ways but in reality he is unlikely to change & such confrontations late in life can be upsetting for everyone involved.

Can you find compassion enough to accept his flawed character & perhaps there may be some positives in him to try to concentrate on?

I struggled a lot with my parents attitudes in previous years but as a parent myself I felt totally safe within my own family unit. It allowed me to be much happier and able to cope with difficulties in other personal relationships.

You will continue to re evaluate your childhood in light of being a parent yourself.

Yes. My parents had a narrative about me when talking about my very early life - I was clearly suffering from some sort of CMPA but I was "a little bitch who kept them up all night, vomited more than I drank, screamed the place down most nights. Compared to my brother I was a nightmare and if I'd been the first, they'd never have any more children".......

My son had a dairy allergy and it was hard.....but I never said stuff like that!

I've since pointed this out to my mum who said "you didn't think about things like that when you were little. It never crossed our minds."

My mum would constantly call me weird... To my face and also to other people when she didn't think I could hear. Now as an adult I realise I'm autistic.

I also had very bad asthma as a child which led to me being hospitalised a few times. She still chain smoked inside the house and Friday nights took me to bingo in a social club where the smoke was so thick you couldn't see across the room!

She was a very good mum though and I loved her very much. People aren't perfect. Parenting is hard.

I think these feeling get even stronger when you have the child and you are making parenting decisions. I would recommend reading ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by phillipa Perry. If you feel you need to talk to your gp about local counselling.