Hi all.
I have some mental health issues (depression and anxiety, some past psychosis and other issues no longer relevant particularly tho they are becoming so- for example the more desperately unhappy and depressed and unable to fix it I get the more likely I am to get to psychosis level of depression, if that makes sense. Only mention this as it’s something I have worked hard on the past couple of years so don’t really have issues this severe anymore. Tho it is ramping up now. Hope that makes sense).
I am 33 weeks pregnant. For ease I’ll just bullet point the issues I have dealt with during this pregnancy-
*Many triggers to past trauma due to my childhood - happy to elaborate if you feel necessary. If not let’s just say extreme trauma
*Childs father not at all interested so been doing this all alone
*Only recently been able to have some kind of normal ish relationship with my father, mother passed as did my Nan who was my second mum but dad isn’t much use re support. Has two new kids of his own so he can’t afford to drive to me but currently spending hundreds on redecorating his new kids rooms and on weed when I need him for once in my life
*Only have two friends I can rely on fully (one is birth partner both are amazing but have full busy lives of their own)
*Was homeless for two months in a disgusting pub hotel pregnant and alone early pregnancy. Was lucky to get my new home but have had to make it a home on my own doing the job of two people/ parents and things I shouldn’t be doing pregnant- ie moving large items such as bed, and putting together lots of household items and baby items ie the cumbersome and large cot, other furniture items like my daybed etc
*Until I got my pip back payment (unexpected) I had nothing. At all. Was living on 340 a month with no furniture and no baby items- only (very gratefully) received donations ie a bed and some baby items. Tho now me and baby are all set thanks to pip back payment and the increase monthly now with regular pip meaning I can finally stop having to have food banks
*Grandad passed away and this has left a massive lasting legacy of grief now as now I have lost all “authoritative/parental” type figures and it’s just me and I miss my grandad and it’s scary
*I have LOADS left to do, with no one at all to help me. For example organising my baby items, some house things like a lock for the back gate/ putting up my back garden camera/ sending off maternity grant forms and so so much more. The issue is I am so so so so tired ALL THE TIME and baby is more often than not putting pressure on my diaphragm so my breathing is wheezy. This is before I get to this-
*I have a flat that is just terrible re the state the walls have been left in. There isn’t much I can do or anyone can do re the living room and hall walls and they are in such dire condition they need skimming really. I can’t paint over them or paper/ line them as they’re truly terrible. Then there’s the rest of the decorating to do. This is important to me this is my first baby and as ridiculous as it may sound, I need to start this journey with my boy perfectly as I can due to my own trauma and how I was brought up. The idea of bringing my baby home to this undecorated crack house looking walls (I have carpet it’s clean but the walls truly look like a crack den sometimes I just want to burn the fucker down I hate looking at it) and I still need to put my tv bracket on these unstable useless walls etc etc it all sets off my trauma and I know it’s not particularly reasonable- a baby won’t care. But I do. And I can’t do it after baby comes cos I’ll STILL be alone and STILL tired - in fact more so.
*My uncle is vile. 4 weeks or so pregnant he screamed at me to abort. Then a few weeks ago he was asking me questions and we were talking and I told him about the couple of men on my street who have tried to push my boundaries and have been sexually inappropriate and he literally went OFF HIS HEAD screaming at me (I’m really not exaggerating I was shocked into silence and I can tell you this written essay reflects the amount I actually verbally talk too haha I’m not easily stunned into silence) about how I’m having all these men in my home and be a crap mother (no men have been in here I don’t know where he got that from). I have pushed away most of what he said and I’m not inclined to fit into my mind to recall them as it was vile and distressing enough at the time. So I literally have no family. He even brought up my divorce for now where it wasn’t relevant and it confused me.
*I am really isolated in this area. To get to the centre of town where activities and such are, it’s a long journey and with my sciatic pain it’s hard enough to walk the usual 5 mins (now hobbling 15mins) to the nearby centre for shopping/ prescriptions etc. When I get back I’m in extreme agony. At the moment I can’t do it at all and I need my epilepsy medication. I’m too tired
*This area is also massively undeserved re mum groups/ baby/ pregnancy groups. I am literally alone. I tried to make a community and friends but as above the two men were inappropriate so I can no longer comfortably visit the lady next door who I like who is disabled cos her husband kept going for a hug which I dislike anyway as I don’t know him then kissing me on my mouth so fast I didn’t have time to even think let alone move and the other thing he did was when he was sat on the opposite side of his wife and I was in the middle, the dog they have was lay on my leg and he kept stroking the dog but really stretching his thumb out to rub my leg at the same time and it made me feel vile. I kept moving but the dog was leaning on me so just flopped back into me. I couldn’t exactly say anything as it was so sneaky cos all he would say is “I’m just stroking the dog” but he wasn’t.
*Im sure there is more but this is the idea of it. I am lucky in some ways. I’ll list those -
*My midwife, perinatal mental health team, other mental health team support are amazing and I am engaging heavily with them.
*I have only lovely older neighbour above me, I went to visit him last night for paracetamol and we ended up having a really nice hour or so just doing silly quizzes on YouTube and things and he is so very very appropriate and normal (so far as I can tell and my spidey senses about such things due to past trauma tends to be good- only times they aren’t are when I ignore them like with the other two)
*My pip back payment meant I could afford all I needed for me, home, security (cameras etc) and most importantly baby. Inc decorating items if only I could actually do this. But these walls 🤦♀️
*Other items I needed have been donated to me (like lots of clothes that I couldn’t have afforded even with the back payment cos I would have had to choose- but the kindness of strangers means I have both newly bought by me, and given second hand by others, baby items in abundance and don’t have to worry about anything for baby or me for a good long time now. Of course hardly rolling in luxury items but that isn’t my goal. Just what we need and a few extra items that make life easier as I will be alone when baby is here.
*My friend of the two she is being my birth partner and has informed her work of my due date and told them she could need to leave two weeks either side of that with no notice and they are fine and she’s been amazing
*My baby is healthy and I am too (physically)
But I’m not coping. I have so much to do and I just CANT. I have come this far on my own on my hands and knees mentally crawling and scraping to make a good life it’s like I have ran out now. Had a mental health crisis yesterday. Feeling better today. I’m just so lonely. I need some help. I feel like if I could just have someone stay with me one week and help me so I don’t have to do anything too heavy cos it’s dangerous- or even just sit while I potter around for the moral support then I might be able to manage this last leg. But two friends and a useless dad it’s not much by way of options and they can’t they have their own lives and jobs.
I’m fed up. Lonely. Scared. Angry. I feel like the abandoned child all over again.
And if I hear one more time “it’ll be worth it when he’s here” or alternatively “just wait til you get no sleep and all shitty nappies” I think I will scream so loud the world goes deaf. I KNOW IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I KNOW IT WONT BE EASY. But these things don’t help me NOW. They just make me impatient without being able to prep cos I CAN’T DO IT ALONE ANYMORE. And also terrified of no sleep and it being harder. COS ILL STILL BE ALONE.
Im so done. So done.
I miss my body. I miss my life. I miss being able to be selfish and not worry and stand on a chair and paint and not put my baby in danger. I spent 35 years building a certain personality that has protected and kept me mostly sane and become who I am due to trauma and hasn’t always been healthy but it was ME and it’s been stripped away entirely now and I don’t know what to do with that. 35 years of trauma responses and personality based on such and suddenly it’s gone. For example my fierce independence. Gone. Now I need people and no one is here.
I don’t know what I expect here. Vent I guess. I don’t know. Coffee doesn’t help my energy. I never used to be able to drink or even sniff a coffee as it’ll send me hyper! Now I can have a strong one (I know not recommended but Jesus I’m desperate for energy my body hurts and mental health so bad laying around all day) I can have a strong one and just pass right out exhausted.
I created a “me” who was so kick ass and fiercely independent I could do all this stuff I need to do in a day and not bat an eye. Now I’m a useless piece of nothing and it takes all I have to clean. Cos I won’t live in a mess on top of the crap I have to do. I just need support.