Deep regret & ttc again

[hgunes]

Hi guy's hope im in the right place to discuss this. A brief history happily married 35 year old first pg ectopic(surgical) 3x uncomplicated c sections youngest ds 9 years. We recently havent been too careful and i found out i was 5 wks pregnant it was a shock and i panicked i suffer anxiety and it got the better of me i made a huge mistake which i will never forgive myself for as we now realise its the baby that we wanted baby 4 was going to complete our family but we rushed the decision and got scared i had a surgical termination at 5wks 2days woke up crying and knew we had made a mistake everyday the heartbreak seems to get harder but we have talked an decided baby 4 is what we wanted and needed 100% sure so i would like to know when after surgical termination it is safe to ttc again?and how long after a termination did it take you to conceive again?Please no judgement i know ive done wrong and feel bad enough as it is.

i went onto have another baby. i am beyond grateful I have had another chance and feel so much better in myself since i did. but its not made the regret go away as such- its a distraction and i love him to pieces but still wish i had never made the decision and wonder about the 'one who go away'. i think it will always be a grief i carry but its smaller since i had him. I am so glad i got the chance and he has healed me so much. I try and rationalise that i don't know what would have happened with the other pregnancy- I may have had a miscarriage or had a stillborn. But i got pregnant again too quickly after and i still question whether i wanted another baby or did it to not make me feel so bad and thats hard to process. So as always its complex feelings but he's made me feel me again rather than a shell consumed by grief and I thank whoever gave me a second chance every day. happy to answer any questions you have as appreciate its a lonely place to be