Pregnant with 3rd baby

[Blair27]

Hi, I am looking for some advice from people who may have been in similar situations.
I recently found out I am pregnant with my 3rd baby. The pregnancy was unplanned. I currently have a 5 year old dd and a 1 year old dd. I had always thought that I'd like a 3rd child in the future but this is much much sooner than we planned. I am still currently not working and am staying at home looking after my youngest therefore the financial side of things isn't great to introduce a 3rd as it would mean me not going back to work for probably another 1.5-2 years. We are also currently only living in a 2 bedroom property. I will also need a new car as we will need something that comfortably fits 3 car seats.

All these reasons considered, my partner is panicking (understandably) that this is not the right timing to be having a 3rd baby. I am also freaking out because my littlest is still a baby herself and I didn't intend on being pregnant again so soon, and having a newborn in less than 9 months. (I'm around 5 weeks, yet to be confirmed). I'm basically asking, am I crazy/selfish to think that I could go ahead and have this baby? The last thing I want to do is deprive the children I have of things or to end up not managing with 3 children. That being said, I know I'd love this baby as I absolutely adore my 2 children and I definitely have room in my heart for another. My partner has a very stable, great income and we have a great support network.

Please, anyone with 3 children or just anyone who can offer any advice.. please don't sugar coat anything. Am I out of my mind for wanting this baby? Is it doable?

Thank you in advance x

You would be fine and would just manage financially and for space until you can improve things. We had four in seven years ( last 2 stupidly unplanned) but managed ok. We worked around each other etc to cut down childcare costs. It would be hard work with the youngest 2 so close together. Do you have any family support close by ? I found this was the most important thing when having 3 young children.

@Babyroobs Thank you. The age gap is what worries me the most I think as my youngest would only be 20 months when the baby would be born. Yes we have family really close by which is a bonus. He has a large supportive family and I have a smaller but still very supportive family x

I have 3 children. The eldest is 4 and one of the age gaps is as small as yours (21 months). It's very hard work at times but definitely manageable and with lots of fun and joy.

The two bedroom flat I have no experience of, except to say that firstly, my eldest two children love sharing a room and can't wait for the baby to be old enough to be out of our bedroom and into theirs.

And that a dear friend at one point had 3 under 5 in a one bedroom flat. The parents slept in the sitting room, and she took the children out a lot in the day. But they managed, indeed thrived.

@FriedasCarLoad Thank you. That does make me feel better. Can I ask how was it when your baby was born and you had a 21 month old to take care of as well? I worry that I won't have as much time for my current baby. I adore her and I was planning on much more of an age gap (similar to her and my eldest which is 4 years) so the small age gap is what's really panicking me. The space I do think we would cope with until we moved into something bigger. X

In my experience, Babies that are loved and wanted tend to have a habit of slipping right in as if they were always meant to be there.
Whilst I don't have as small an age gap as you (12, 8 and 6) I'm currently pregnant with my 4th (surprise baby) don't get me wrong, it's chaos sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way. I remember the initial shock of having a positive pregnancy test with this one and there were lots of "omg what am I going to do" but once that subsided I could think practically.
It also helps that my other children adore their sibling even though they aren't born yet - its very hard to be too worried when they all talk about baby and say goodnight to bump every night with a belly kiss.

We planned two, second pregnancy was twins. It's the same logic really, no3 was unplanned but never unwanted or unloved. We're in a 3 bed and I don't drive but I was out of work and the third means that with childcare it'll be longer before I go back (quit with eldest as he was poorly).
You just manage.

You say your partner is on good money, and you'll have most of the baby stuff from your second child and by now you've learnt they need very little that's brand new.

18 months I think it a nice gap. They'll be 6, nearly 2 and 0, which may well be better than 8, 4 and 0 long term

Would you cope with an abortion? Would your marriage? I sense congrats are warranted.

@Barelycopingmum Aww that's lovely! Congratulations. I think my biggest worry is how small of an age gap there would be between my current youngest and the new baby. I fear I wouldn't manage once my partner returned to work. I do agree that I would love the baby and therefore make it work, I think it's just frightening when your other half isn't really on board and I'm having to try and convince him that this is the right thing to do. X

@SleepingStandingUp Aww wow, congratulations! I think if we were already in a 3 bedroom house my partner wouldn't be panicking quite as much. I think he worries that we will end up stuck in the house we are in with very little space/money. I personally see it differently because although the baby wasn't planned and it isn't the best timing I know it'd be loved and as you say, I think it's quite a nice age gap.

I don't think I'd cope with an abortion as I know I'd feel so guilty and I worry I'd end up resenting my partner as its not really the road I'd like to go down when I know we'd like a 3rd baby in the future. Thank you so much. X

I have three, there’s 17months between DC1&2 and 19months between DC2&3. Number 3 (now 15months) was unplanned but very much wanted - my husband wasn’t necessarily onboard at first but obviously that changed.

the gap was fine, hard work for sure and chaotic, but we cope. My husband is away a lot so I often am alone, but we make it work.

Well, when can you move as its not ideal is it? having three kids in one room. I understand your husband concerns.

My eldest is quite a bit older but there's exactly 20m between my youngest. Not planned, and I'm a bit ancient. Not going to lie, there are times when it is challenging, but more so now with a 4&2 yo. In the early days it was mostly super easy. We took responsibility for one child each for night wakings, and just played everything else by ear. 4yo did have to adjust a bit but they are wonderful together. They kick the crap out of each other, play insane imagination games, hug, fall asleep together, share almost everything and generally have a ball.

I bought an S Max, which is perfect, almost everything is shared or passed on. We had a buggy board, one extra car seat, and that was it. We do have space for bedrooms but still currently playing musical beds which would be the same in a smaller place.

If you wanted three anyway, you can look at it this way - you are shortening the difficult baby years, so whilst it will be hard going for another 2-3 years, then you’ll be done, instead of starting all over.
Plan well and rope in any family support you can.

@bunnypenny Wow, well done you! They are small age gaps. That'd be similar to my age gap with my youngest and the new baby so its great to here that you managed. I have no doubt in my mind that'd it'd be hard work and chaotic but I also know they'd be so loved.

@bunnypenny hear* sorry

@safetyfreak No its absolutely not ideal having 3 children in one room, I also understand his concerns regarding our housing situation. My thought process was that the two would share once the baby arrived and baby would go in with us while we look for a new house. We would definitely be looking to buy a 3/4 bedroom in the near future anyway.

@RinklyRomaine Oh that'd be the same age gap! It's great to hear it wasn't too difficult in the beginning. I definitely would be preparing myself for a lot more chaos having 3. Their bond sounds lovely which is the one positive my partner could come up with (the age gap in terms of the bond she would have with her sibling in the future).

I will have to have a look into the car. We were actually going to go for a browse this weekend. I think the housing/financial side of things are what's scaring my partner the most.

@7Worfs Yes that's exactly how I've started to look at things, however my partner seems to suddenly have a ton of negatives on his mind about having 3 children. I'm not sure if it's just shock, panic etc or if he's actually just against the idea of having 3 now. Hopefully it is just shock as I do believe we would manage x

The bond is absolutely lovely. Far reduced 'mummy watch this' endless repetitions too, which is an unexpected bonus!

No direct experience of this situation but I just wanted to say that from my experience, it is a very normal male reaction to look at the potential negatives and want to problem solve those before jumping into excitement/making the most of it etc. Especially as he is the main breadwinner then his concerns are legitimate and understandable and he probably just needs to process what this means for the family before he can let himself imagine the other (more lovely!) bits of the scenario.

I think a 20 month gap is lovely 🥰 There's 24 months between my Sister and I and we have always been absolute best buddy's.

As a PP said, when a baby is loved and wanted they find a way of slotting right in and the rest all falls into place.

Give your husband a bit of time and hopefully before you know it he will be coming round to the idea.

@SnookyPook Yes I completely agree it's normal to have reservations and to think about the negatives. It's just hard as he's shutting me out and acting like we can't do it, when I know deep down that we could.

Aww that's lovely. That makes me feel more positive about how little my youngest still is as it did concern me.

I really hope that I can talk to him when he comes home from work tonight and that hel see a different side to it all.

I am in a very similar situation. Got a 4 year old and a 1 year old and pregnant with unplanned third baby! We also live in a 2 bed house. It was a shock at first but the further into the pregnancy the more I’m excited rather than terrified.

We just swopped our very very old 5 seater car for a slightly less old 7 seater.

I’m sure it’ll have its moments of being tough when baby arrives but I’m also convinced they will be a blessing to our family.

If you’re not married to your partner you’re extremely financially vulnerable. It’s great that he has a good income but that doesn’t give you much if any security if you’re unmarried. Do you own your home? Is there a good amount of equity and are you listed on the deeds as having an equal share? Would he be willing to marry you?

If you’re able to get married and protect yourself then I think it’s feasible, otherwise I think you need to prioritise getting back to work ASAP and getting some financial independence so you could support your two children in the event of a split.

@JumbledE Wow yes it does sound like we are in very similar situations. That's good that you have managed to sort out the car. I think once I have that sorted I wouldn't be as stressed.

May I ask what you're doing regarding the house? Are you just going to make it work in your 2 bed for the time being? I definitely am concerned that there wouldn't be enough room for 3 children in the house I'm in, although it is a large 2 bed.

That's great to hear the fear wears off slightly and turns to excitement. I just hope that is the case for my partner! I know I need to give it time.

Hi @Blair27, I came across your thread and just wondered what you decided to do in the end? Xx