Overnight guests after giving birth

[Joppi]

Hello!

Looking for some advice….I’m due in summer and my mother in law who lives abroad is looking to visit once baby is here (sometime this year).

Initially she was going to come visit a few weeks after due date, however I think it will be too much pressure to host and difficult to maintain my privacy as I am trying to work out breastfeeding etc.

How many weeks/months after birth would you think overnight guests would be less stressful? I’m thinking from 1-2 months post birth would be better?

For context, MIL is not high maintenance and is lovely; I just think in the month following birth it would be better to have privacy and not worry about hosting.

Thanks in advance!

It depends entirely on your relationship with her, ever 1 month after birth you will not be able to "host" her, if she is going to get her own drinks, clear up after herself, cook and help with household chores then by all means have her to stay.
If not then maybe ask her to stay somewhere else nearby to give you space and privacy

I agree, at 1 month you'll only be finding your feet,so I'd leave it til 2 months and onwards

Alternatively you may really appreciate the help of another woman if you have a good relationship with her? Having had a baby she should know that she will the one that should be 'helping/making cuppas' etc? Only you know if she is that sort of person.

It really depends how helpful she is.

I would definitely say that you're looking at at least around 8/10 weeks if she's helpful. Before that, you really need to be finding your feet like you say.

If she's not terribly helpful, then no overnights for a long, long time. And by not terribly helpful I mean - if you have to make a cup of tea for her and if you're going to have to cook for her. That's already too much.

Also given that she will be the babies Grandparent as apposed to just an overnight guest, perhaps you could just be blunt and say 'hey i'd love you to stay but i'm really nervous about having people staying over, but if you stayed local i'd love a few visit's?'

Thanks all - i can’t say how helpful she would be, as when she she has visited us in the past we have usually organised drinks, food etc but I will need both me and partner to be hands on with baby so won’t have the capacity to do that. It’s not just the helpfulness, it’s the privacy thing too, I would not be comfortable with having my breasts out constantly (planning to breastfeed). The answer for me is probably she stays over at least 2 months post birth or she can stay with other family and just visit here and there during her stay.

2 parents with a newborn absolutely have the capacity to make up a bed and whip up a few meals and hot drinks. If you’re planning to breastfeed by a couple of weeks in you will have been doing it several times a day.

Unless you’re planning on staying in for 6 months you will have to get used to doing it in front of people. Absolutely no need to have your whole boob hanging out or have one of those awkward covers. Wear a vest top underneath your T-shirt. Pull the test under your nipple, pull the tshirt over and when the baby is attached no one can see anything.

I had my mother in law come to stay the week after I gave birth, also from abroad, for a week. It was fine. She loved the newborn cuddles and it was her first grandchild. We did host, but also nipped to the Italian restaurant around the corner a couple of times for some ready made meals. We went out for dog walks altogether and a couple of lazy lunches. It was nice to have the extra hands at various points.

It was special for my partner, and her (and me actually). I'm pregnant again and I don't know if she'll want to come again (it's a long flight) but we'd happily have her if she does.

Oh and the breastfeeding was a non-issue but I had been a bit worried about my FIL seeing before I started. But actually I got those Milky Tees zipper t shirts, or put a stretchy cami top underneath a top or blouse and you really couldn't see much

She may turn out to be an absolute gem who will give you time and support to rest, recover and bond with your baby whilst making sure the daily house jobs like meals get sorted. None of us can tell if she's going to be a help or expect to be waited on hand and foot!

this is a loaded topic for me. my MIL is "not high maintenance and lovely" but became a baby obsessed nightmare around a month before baby was due. threatened to fly or early to be in the delivery room and when told no asked my husband to film it as their little secret. Constantly talked about how she would babysit when she came which I did not feel comfortable with and basically made me feel like I'd be a spare part of my own post partum period. My anxiety got so bad asked for a sweep early and gave birth that day - 2 weeks before my due date. This made my MIL worse because now she had to wait 2 more weeks to visit her grandchild. she was also a nightmare when she came in trying to force me to separate from my son all the time before I was ready, trying to take him from my arms to settle him, trying to take over anything a mum would do. But that was just a mismatch of expectations to some degree, other moms might have loved her doing that and thought "yay time to myself". I on the other hand thought "Get the f off my baby!"

I don't think there is a right "time" it's all about everyone singing from the same song sheet. Would you feel comfortable telling her no? That's the main one for me. Your own mum you can say anything to. But postpartum when you're vulnerable, emotions are high and you're tired and not confident, you want someone fighting in your corner. Not trying to win the round themselves. Someone who will make you believe you're doing a great job, someone who offers to make you drinks, meals with no expectations. And if they do something that annoys you, you need to feel comfortable saying so. Basically you want someone to look after YOU, you will be looking after the baby. If you think she can do all that, sure let her help and stay post partum. Best advice though is put off flight buying until youre near the end of the pregnancy and you'll know what you may need.

But I'm one of those sort of unlucky ones. Your MIL maybe awesome and lovely and just a fantastic helping hand.

If she's good company and hasn't shown form for expecting to be waited on hand and foot it might be nice to have her there.

I'd not make any commitments with anyone for the first 2–3 weeks after the birth. I was back and forth to appointments with DD and between that and establishing breastfeeding I had no capacity to think beyond myself and DD.
Things settled around week 4.

I had my parents staying with me when DD was born and all in all they were a brilliant help but it was definitely a case of them being supportive, going out shopping, cooking meals etc. rather than me hosting them. However, I'm a lone parent so with two parents there'll be more capacity for the niceties of having people round.

I would just get dh to check in with her

"Hey mum, just looking to get a rough plan for when the baby arrives. As it will be a whole new thing for us, I think if you want to visit as close to the birth as possible it would be better if you stayed with Auntie Janet and just did daily pop ins, as we will be sleep deprived and just trying to get through it. If you'd rather stay with us, it'll have to be closer to winter time, so we can at least get feeding and sleeping established to have the energy to host x let me know which option you prefer"

Thanks all for the advice - this is abit of an old thread but I’m almost 35 weeks now and my partner spoke with MIL and she’ll be staying with other family and dropping in here and there to see us, which I think is a good balance for me! I may end up thinking I would have been grateful for more help in which case I can always change my mind and invite her over to stay. I may be heading for a c section due to recent complications so potentially a bit more recovery needed post partum!