Early 30, mid career and pressure to have a baby

[MissLucyLiu]

Hi everyone in my 30s living in London and has a really stressful job. Some of my university friends are just starting to have kids and and trying to get pregnant. I get this overwhelming panic that I am falling behind and I don’t feel ready to have a child.

My mom is applying a ton of pressure. Every other day is sending my articles / research about how difficult it is for older mothers to conceive and recovery etc etc.

I have a very loving boyfriend and we’ve bought a house together. Objectively I can see why my mother thinks we are ready to have a child now. But I cannot help to think why do I have to be the one that sacrifices my career? Sadly as much as we have improved work life balance a lot in the last decade there is still not very many woman in my industry. I am the breadwinner of the family. I feel incredibly terrified that if I don’t keep on working hard I’ll fall behind and lose everything.

I sometimes question myself do I even want to be a mom? Or do I like the idea of being one? Just because my friends are preparing for one? That cannot be the right reason. Ultimately I never questioned if I will have a child I always imagined I would have them. It’s just not the right timing but I feel like I’m running out of time. These thoughts just keep spiralling and keep me up at night.

Hi there. I’m sorry that you are being pressured by family, and I know what you mean about feeling like you’re under the pressure of a ticking clock. It sounds like you are taking a responsible approach and really thinking everything through. Sometimes we assume that everything will come together and the timing will work out just the way we want it to, but unfortunately that isn’t always the case. Once I decided to try for a baby it was not a very straightforward journey. Here’s some hypothetical scenarios to generate an emotional reaction. I hope they help:

If you woke up tomorrow and found out you were pregnant, how would you feel?

If you woke up tomorrow and were told that you will never conceive children how would you feel?

Only you and your partner can know what’s best for you both and it’s not fair to be pressured into anything one way or another. Im not sure what your financial situation is, but would you consider having your eggs frozen? You could think of it like a fertility investment. It might take the pressure off feeling there is a ticking clock looming over you. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. 💗

Tell them all to go eff themselves! 😊 Have a baby when you want to have a baby and IF you want to have a baby. I wasn’t at all maternal and always thought we’d have one when I was 40 just because I knew I didn’t want to not have one but didn’t ever have any interest in actually doing it now. Randomly when I was 28 something came over me and it was like that broody feeling just exploded inside my head. Suddenly I could feel what I imagine everyone else had felt for years and I needed a baby NOW! Luckily I have one child and I’m due to have another one 😊 Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing or thinking. It will all work out in your timing. You’re so young still

Thank you so much for the response.

If you woke up tomorrow and found out you were pregnant, how would you feel?

• I’ll be in the state of panic I think. I am not ready. I need one more year at this new company to establish myself before I can say I am going on a maternity leave. There’s no precedence of women in my position. I don’t know how they will react.

If you woke up tomorrow and were told that you will never conceive children how would you feel?

• yes okay this triggered something. I will be very upset :( because I think ultimately I do want to have at lest one child but just don’t know when. I look at all these people who are so sure of having children I then ask myself do I feel like that? I then see my friends struggle it really turns me off the idea.
• I know it’s a very bratty thing to say but if I cannot have kids I have the option to get a surrogate as a last resort. One of my best friend is having their surrogacy in the states right now. And then of course there’s adoption.

Yeah my mom keeps telling me I am going to suddenly want a child. I am still waiting for this to happen? And now I am quickly turning into mid 30 in a year and half I am starting to wonder how comes it never came to me!

I am happy you have found the eureka moment and very best of luck for your second birth!

Why is it bratty? We tried for 10 cycles to get pregnant and adoption has always been on the cards. Surrogacy would be too if we could afford it!
At your age i was in no way ready to have a baby. I didnt even know if i wanted one. Its only been recently that mentally, emotionally, financially ive felt ready for a child (like you im the higher earner)
Yes it took us longer than wed hoped for to conceive (now expecting) but young people face problems too, age is not a guarantee of smooth sailing. I dont regret not having them sooner, at all. Stick to your guns start preparing for a child if you know you want one and start trying when youre ready. Good luck

@MissLucyLiu I think most people are born with that ‘wanting one’ feeling that gradually grows when they get to a certain age but I just didn’t have it. I think lockdown probably sped up my eureka moment! Not sure why but maternity leave definitely seemed more appealing after I’d returned to work 😂 I hated my job though, you should like you like yours! Have you listened to maybe baby podcast?

It’s a very taboo topic I find. It really triggers some ppl. Surrogacy. And I get it why people get so worked up. It is only legal in certain states in America. But ultimately with my job it might be easier if I can pass this on ( the guilty part inside me thinks maybe it’s better if I just try surrogacy in the first place! There a huggeee long queue! )