Anxious pregnancy after secondary infertility

[Anotherbabe]

(Hi ladies, please be aware I already have one child who is the love of my life. In no way comparing my experiences to women with longer term or primary infertility)

I’m 4.5 months pregnant with my second child after 18 months of trying/infertility. To my shock, we conceived first month of ovulation treatment. Wish I’d had it 18 months sooner to save the heartache!

I’m really struggling to connect with the pregnancy. I don’t want people to know I’m pregnant, I don’t feel excited about buying clothes or the gender/sex, I don’t picture having a baby in the summer. I just don’t believe it will happen.

Rationally, I know this is a reaction to 18 months of trying and tests and appointments, I’m distancing myself to save the hurt if something did go wrong. But I’m so angry with myself! All I wanted was another baby. Why can’t I enjoy this?

Is this normal? Did anyone else experience similar? Should say I have good mental health so I’m not worried about my well-being…my husband just doesn’t get it and none of my friends struggled to conceive so they wouldn’t understand.

Thanks in advance xx

So sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't have any experience with (secondary) infertility but had a loss last year that has completely changed how I feel about my current pregnancy. With my first I was very excited, enjoying every moment etc. This time round I definitely feel like I want to keep things to myself more, I didn't really relax into the pregnancy until I was well into the second trimester (26 weeks now) and I'm still very anxious. Once you've had some trauma of some sort, your view of the whole experience takes on a new, more complicated meaning. Don't feel bad for feeling this way, it's completely normal. Is there anybody you can talk to? If nobody in your family/friendship circle, you can always reach out to your midwife. I was supported by a bereavement midwife throughout the first trimester and it really helped. Hope you're beginning to feel more settled soon x

Thank you so much! You know, I hadn't even thought to talk to my friends who have suffered miscarriages. I guess every person has some kind of fertility journey. The number of women who conceive easily and never suffer any loss is probably incredibly small.

Your message has given me hope. It'll probably never be the same as the first, but at least this time I have my child to keep me going! x

I know how you feel. We'd been trying for 5 years, and diagnosed with secondary infertility. I'm only 8 weeks now, but it's still hard to get excited because it doesn't feel like it's actually going to happen.
I've had a scan already as I have had some spotting and they told me it's a twin pregnancy, 2 heartbeats but with 1 measuring so much smaller than the other it's likely it'll not develop much further and will likely be absorbed back into my body. Which has made things even harder as there's so many unknowns!
I've also had the thoughts earlier on of 'oh god what are we doing' but that was very much because of 5 years having gone by and the age gap that there will be.
Such a rollercoaster.

Hi @Anotherbabe, my situation is a bit similar to you. With my first I conceived straight away with my second (current pregnancy) it took about 18 months. I was convinced it was not possible and was never going to happen and to a certain extent I made my peace with that.

Then I surprisingly got pregnant and it didn’t feel real at all. I was so worried that it wouldn’t work and then I would never have another chance. I think also, that second pregnancies are a bit less exciting and I had already done it once and to be fair was a lot busier with a toddler, there just isn’t the serious excitement and anticipation to it!

Anyway, I am 30 weeks now and probably started feeling excited to meet my new little
girl only about 2 weeks ago. Can’t explain it, it just suddenly felt real.

Try to take to your DP if you can, I found articulating some of this, even if it sounded silly quite helpful.

@Elttek Congratulations on your pregnancy! I thought the chances of survival were very high after a heartbeat at 8 weeks, but I don't know how twins impacts the odds. But either way it sounds like you'll be a mummy again soon!

@Sallyh87 thank you, it sounds like I do just need to give it more time. 4 months of pregnancy is much shorter than 18 months of trying and calculating every day whether I was fertile/on period/in the TWW etc. I literally didn't know what a fertile window was with my first...

I've spoken to my husband about how I'm feeling. Honestly, he doesn't understand (I love him but he is a loooooow EQ), but I feel better that he at least knows what's going on in my head and he's trying to help in other ways. He ordered a Nando's after we spoke so I can't complain 😂