My partner is making our pregnancy feel like a sad time

[emmaloubx]

Hello

I thought being pregnant with my partner would be lovely, but ever since the scan and even before that actually - he's been quiet not saying much, not getting excited at all. We had an argument about it (we hardly ever argue) which made it feel like such a awful time and I just feel so so down. I explained all this and he agreed to try get excited and be positive, we did speak about it some more which made it feel nicer. He was working away and he said when he's back at the weekend we can talk about if we want to find out the gender and we can post on social media to share our news! Which I was really excited about as makes it feel more real and people are really nice about it.
Anyway he got back at the weekend, we did speak some about it, when I asked about finding out he was like I don't mind it's upto you, which annoyed me as again - all down to me like he doesn't really care! I didn't say anything though. Just left it.
Then I said on the Saturday I had this really cute announcement thing made with our scan picture and he said ah that's really nice, and I said Ahh let's post it! Then he said let's do it Sunday, so I agreed. Sunday came nothing all day was said about it, around 5 I said shall we post? And he made some excuse about having a shower first! Then he came down and I mentioned again as I was excited to share news to friends and everyone - he said no I'm not going to post yet as I can't think of a caption for it, which sounded like a total cop out! I then got upset like I've been waiting for you as I don't want to just post it when you're not? He called me stupid and I didn't say much, and his Nan was there and she gave her opinion as if I was stupid also- which I think was unfair - he didn't stick up for me. I left and I've stayed at my mums for a few days, he hasn't tried talking me to me at all, heard nothing. I just feel so low 😞 all I wanted was for him to be excited also, I just don't know what to do. A happy time is such a low time for me. And I'm also overthinking now like why would he not want to post it are there people he doesn't want to see it! It's so silly but I'm just really upset.
Any advice appreciated xx

I do understand wanting your partner to be excited, but a lot of the time men struggle to connect with a baby until it’s born. We get all the symptoms and movements and everything and they don’t see much difference until later on or when the baby is here. You can’t force someone to get excited, and he could well be looking forward to it just not showing it in the exact way you want him to. You’re the one carrying the baby so perhaps he wants you to choose whether you want to know the sex or keep it as a surprise, maybe he genuinely doesn’t mind either way. Maybe he’s hesitant to post on social media because he’s still worried something might happen or maybe he’s enjoying it being more intimate rather than a way to get likes on social media. In the nicest way I do think your hormones are making you be a bit extreme about this, instead of enjoying pregnancy you’re getting upset because your partner isn’t doing exactly what you want him to. Take a step back, deep breath and reevaluate what’s really important.

Sorry you’re feeling this way, imo I think posting it on social media isn’t the be all, end all although I get you wanting to spread your happy news!

was the pregnancy a surprise or planned?
I know some people take it in different ways, it could just be that or there could be more behind it.

seems a bit weird how he hasn’t even tried talking to you though.

@Twoinapod @Anonymoususer456 yeah I wouldn't of cared about social media but he was the one saying let's post and changed his mind, which has me questioning why. I think you're right I'm feeling hormonal and I honestly just feel so shit. The fact he's not talking to me, like I've done something wrong. The baby was planned which is why I'm struggling to understand why he's being like this. He's made it clear he's scared and worried - but it's ruining my happiness , I really can't get excited until he does and I think the social media thing for me was exciting as I thought maybe he's getting excited now! But nope. We haven't spoken since Sunday evening x

@emmaloubx let things calm down and have a calm talk about it between you, just say you want to make sure everything with him is ok, maybe he might open up to you about how he is really feeling it maybe it is just how he is dealing with it himself, you try stay calm as getting stressed isn’t any good for you, just try and enjoy it as much as you can, it goes quick and once they turn two you want them to be babies again 😂 trust me 😂 hope you get everything sorted x

@Anonymoususer456 yeah thing is we don't talk until I contact him, he is unbelievably stubborn. That's why I haven't gone back as I sort of want him to be like oh actually maybe I should contact her. But he only thinks about his own feelings, he did open up and tell me how he was feeling about feeling anxious and scared and it was bringing me down as I do know that's normal, but I need to stay positive we'll try as it was making me so stressed out, then he knows how I will be feeling atm with us not talking and part of me is feeling that's he's maybe trying to make me loose baby, I know that's an awful thing to say but he doesn't seem to care how upset I'm feeling. I really wish we didn't try for a baby as I never wanted it to feel like this. We was so good before and this has made us further apart and I'm just feeling so awful x

@emmaloubx I know my Partner when he struggles with talking about his feelings he becomes very turned in on himself and doesn’t realise he’s hurt my feelings in the process. He might think you don’t want him to talk to you? Or it might be he’s giving you space? Or it could be he’s an arsehole? I don’t know.
the other bit I am certain you are just overthinking and hormones are clouding your judgment. X

My partner doesn't get overly excited either with our pregnancy however, I accept it.

I think men come from a place of being protective. My partner is very much a logical person, he doesn't get excited because he doesn't want to get ahead of himself as anything can happen.

Maybe your partner thought announcing on social media would make you happy, but now isn't ready to tell the world your news yet. Maybe it also won't feel ready for him until he's putting furniture together/fixing a car seat etc. In my opinion, you can't to expect someone to feel the exact same way as you do as everybody is wired differently. Especially when it comes down to men & women.

I think as someone said above, hormones will most likely not be helping in this situation x

@Daisy0909 yes I guess so, I'm just not going to bring it up to him anymore and just let him feel however. Not really sure what to say to him right now though, it will get sorted but I think we just need some space at the minute as emotions are high. I don't want to say anything I don't mean.
It's rubbish as I guess I thought it would be a lovely time and we was both really happy and excited I didn't know he would feel this way! Im such an over thinker too, so im thinking all sorts but as you say mostly my hormones probably! X

I’m 31 weeks pregnant and my DH has been having a lot of anxiety about becoming a father for the first time (despite the fact I think he’ll be brilliant) sometimes I have to remind him to speak to the baby. I must admit he is looking forward to becoming a dad and has been brilliant with supporting me but I do think I’m more excited than he is!

I’m going to say this is quite common, because I know some of my friends have said the same. My best friend has just given birth to her daughter and said she felt like her boyfriend forgot she was pregnant a lot of the time.

It’s not the case for all men, but I know and I have heard that sometimes men connect with the baby more after birth when they can see them and they become more “real” whereas us mothers are attached to our growing babies 24/7 and have much more of a connection due to this.

It sounds like you and your partner could do with a proper chat about this and ask him to open up to any feelings he has about becoming a dad. Maybe he is worried about something. I would say instead of getting upset with him for not being as excited as you are I would ask him nicely to be honest about any worries he has.

@MRSDoos Yeah from everyone's comments it does seem quite common. We have had that chat and he said he's feeling anxious and worried as never been a dad, he said it feels weird- I've reassured him loads he will be a lovely dad and everything will be ok.
I think i'm just hearing from him that he's going to get excited and he made such a thing about posting to everyone then saying he's not - it just sort of gave me some excitement! And his Nan getting involved has really annoyed me! It's a shame we aren't talking but im going to let him come to me, I feel maybe this time might help him think- who knows! Probably that he wants to leave me 😂😅 no I hope not. Just feeling really stressed, I don't feel any bond with the baby at all- it's making me not care or be happy about it! I hope I do get there x

@emmaloubx I do agree his Nan shouldn’t of got involved

I know emotions are high for both of you - but maybe you could send him a message to say that you understand he is having worries about becoming a first time parent, but you know he will be a great dad and think you should both just work together rather than fight for the sake of baby.

Your feelings are definitely normal. I’m currently being seen by perinatal mental health team for anxiety in my pregnancy and worrying about baby too much so I know myself it’s not been full of 100% enjoyment

I think everyone tells us mums and dads that pregnancy is this beautiful magical time but it isn’t a lot of the time - it’s stressful, worrying, sometimes there is excitement and sometimes there is joy between the anxieties and pregnancy symptoms!

@MRSDoos Yes i think if I haven't heard from him by tonight, il send a message tomorrow, I just don't feel like messaging him at the moment - I just feel so annoyed about his nan! I honestly felt so awkward and uncomfortable. He should of known better than to tell her our business in that moment - she's so nosey! And needs to mind her business. She has no idea how we have both been feeling.

I'm so sorry you feel like that 😞 yes it's not w magical time at all is it!?
I have a daughter already who's 8 from a previous relationship that didn't work out (he cheated on me so so many times) but that pregnancy was actually a happy time so maybe this has taken me by surprise!

Hope it gets better for us both and you start to feel better x

My husband has never been excited about any of my pregnancies. I remember feeling quite upset about it with our first. The second one I didn’t push anything, he doesn’t like feeling the baby kick or anything like that. I’m now pregnant with our third and once again he’s not showing any excitement, which is fine and I’m used to it now! My girls are beyond excited so it’s nice to have someone to share it with this time 😅

@Nik84 Ahh really - maybe this is a man thing then! Ahh yes my girl is excited too, but I find it hard to when I know mr partner isn't!
I hope he talks to me tomorrow - it's all got very awkward, I have taken it all so personally. I hope though this time has made him have some time to think! Positively hopefully. X

A man thing! Mine is never interested when I'm pregnant. I got upset with our first also then realised he just can't connect like me.

@emmaloubx sorry you’re feeling so rubbish, I would feel exactly the same! I would be gutted if my partner wasn’t interested in the pregnancy, it’s his baby too! It might just be me but personally I don’t think the it’s a man thing is a good enough excuse for being so disinterested! I’m no good with advice but I think you feeling upset is totally justified xxx

@ChloeN yeah it's so shit and I really am wishing I never got pregnant - he's being awful tonight and not considering how I'm feeling at all xx

Sorry you're going through this. Do you have any guy friends/ family who have recently had a baby? Maybe speaking to another guy will help it feel less scary. Where I live there are also some classes / support groups set up for dads to be / new dads. You could ask your midwife if there's anything like this in your area. Of course, you can't make him reach out, ultimately its down to him which makes it hard. And you need a support system too - hopefully you've got some family or friends who can share your excitement while he gets himself in gear. You deserve to be excited and enjoy being pregnant x

Hey OP, sorry you're experiencing this. It sounds a bit rubbish-y. I think the social media post isn't the problem, the issue is it was what YOU thought was an exciting way to commemorate it and he wasn't getting it. You want to see him excited about it and a social media post is one of the many little modern pregnancy milestones you want to experience. Perhaps explain it from that angle. This is could be a once in a lifetime thing and you deserve it to feel special.

That previous sentence I specifically said because a friend actually said it to me. I have been a bit more like your partner during pregnancy and my DH has been very excited. I've been feeling quite overwhelmed and not enjoying all the changes happening to my body and generally not feeling myself. A friend who is pregnant following a loss said how she feels it could be a once in a lifetime moment and framing it in that way put things in perspective for me a little bit.

Were on baby three and he never gets excited or mentions it much till im massive and near the end.
mine cant imagine it or bond really till its close
i do it all by myself really
annojnceme buying stuff
il show him and tell him but dnt get diheartened cos he has got it wiggling around inside. But when baby is here he just lights up and looks so in love. Alot people dont do names early
on but found it helped him bond
talk about her by name and deffo helped the kids too.
were three weeks away now and talk about everything on a daily basis
where at the beginning he barelt mentions babys
if he wont talk ita gona be hard
but be prepared to except that he may not be very paternal to begin with