Antidotes for feeling totally washed out after seeing inl's,

[bigboydiditandranaway]

mine are very intense, overbearing & controling.

I tolerate them but don't like them & find after they have visited, ds is totally wound up as i am & dh is too.

They are always late and expect us to always fit in with them - the past few times ds is expected to change his sleep routine but they won't get out of bed earlier to visit at a requested reasonable time.

They just really p---me off.

Anyone got any antidotes. Ds is only 2 so don't want to leave him.

Not sure if its practical but try visiting them instead, agree a arrival time and you can leave exaxctly when you think you have tolerated enough

They sound dreadful. I would come up with a plan for what you will tell them before they are due to come next time - i.e. state that they are welcome at X time and if they are late, they will miss seeing DS because he sleeps at X time and the consequences of keeping him up (as per their previous visits) are....(and damn well stick to it). I would also see them as little as you can get away with and for as short a time as possible. How does your DH feel about them?

Your in-laws sound horribly similar to mine , with a similar impact on the family.

Try to make visits short and sharp with a distinct activity.

Dh thinks the same but is obviously more used to them.

I feel that i can't relax when we see them, i am constantly on my guard as they make stupid comments and are always probing for info.

They are just as difficult to sil, they just don't like it that their ds's do things differently now they're married and they aren't in control of most things that go on.

Very similar to my Mum! It's awfully exahusting isn't it? I think you have a couple of choices and that's either to be firm with them, state your rules as it were and insist on their co-operation, or keep all contact to a minimum. Do you think that their hearts are in the right place but they're jujst ignorant on the effect that they have and what is appropriate etc?

For what it's worth, if you can bear it, I think it would be worth have a frank chat with them and working through the inevitable fall out - do remember that their desire to see your DS and their son is so strong that they will do almost anything to keep that relationship and access open. DS is only 2, hence you have years of this and if you can make it easier on yourselves..... you stand to lose nothing actually. You would be completely in your rights to explain how their behaviour and intensity makes you (all) feel and that is it really affecting how often they get to spend time with you. We had this out with MIL with her incessant chatting and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I also had this out with my mother but I did it in writing so that she had time to think things through before we started the discussion - the only way I could think of to avoid the martyrish agression that inevitably ensued. Anyhow, it worked and things are generally better, with the odd reminder here and there.

Their hearts are in the right place at times but they're just so pigheaded over certain things which are mostly when we ask them to do to something or we are doing something a certain way which they don't approve of, they especially don't like it when we are assertive and basically dig their heals in and make an issue out of it. They just expect everything to revolve around them.

It is very exhausting, we see them usually every 3 weeks for about 3-3.5hrs.

Maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones....

Move house and don't see, speak or write to them for 2 years. It worked for me. It sometimes takes a proverbial slap to make them see that you are an adult and are allowed to have your own opinions.

That sounds like alot of contact really. Remember - you are the parents now and you call the shots - it is essentially your choice - you can either live like this or you can do something to change it.

I feel it is a lot, especially at the moment with being pregnant. Although dh finds them overbearing too, i think he is too scared to say about cutting down the visits even more as they will (i'm sure) make a fuss about about it - they have over things in the past which include shitty emails, asking me over the phone to reconsider our plans, maybe i would dread their response also. Obviously we don't want to hurt their feelings but to be fair they don't really consider ours.

Perhaps i could try pushing for a couple of hours instead,although we were discussing it last night and we said maybe if they came over as above, but that is for their benefit, not ours. I'm just not sure what dh will say about a 2hr visit, i have a feeling he won't budge on it They used to see mil's parents every 4 weeks, because fil didn't want to see too much of them, but i don't know how easy we could even stretch to that, they are so stuck in their ways they even phone at the same time every week...

i just wish they were more easygoing and then dh would be more able to say things to them or maybe we wouldn't feel this way but they're not, that's the reality

When the baby arrives 3hrs will seem a long time to spend with them.....

Sorry, PTIAPASI, missed your message about discussing things with them. Dh had a discussion with il's shortly after we were married about them being overbearing to be honest it made things even worse between me and mil she could hardly bring herself to speak to me

I'm not sure whether trying to discuss their behaviour with them would be that easy considering how difficult & controlling they can be. Maybe if dh was to say something, but last time mil got very defensive. But something does need to be done because yes we have got years of this to put up with this

I think things were particulaly worse this visit because we hadn't seen them for 4 weeks and it was ds'd b'day last week.

I still think it's worth biting the bullet and dealing with the fall out that will ensue. I'm all for the writing it down thing as I so know how it is dealing with controlling turned aggressive people - you both sound like you hate confrontation (as indeed do I and have always done everything to avoid it) but at least you can get your feelings out without them interrupting or making you feel guilty or overwhelmed by their reaction. You could gush about how lovely they are but that you've both decided that a 6 week (or whatever you choose) is going to be better for you all and that you're sure they understand. When MIL doesn't speak to you, you shouldn't care for you but follow it up with another note to say that though you appreciate that not everyone likes everyone else, that you find her response quite sad as ultimately your DS will pick up the bill on that one and that you would appareciate her being civil when he's around for his sake. You and DH will have to be solid and buy in to this and if there are any phone calls that you find difficult, tell them that you're unable to discuss things with them when they are being so closed and that unless that changes, you will have to communicate in writing. They are in effect bullying you (whether they mean to or not) , they are affecting your lives and DSs and enough is enough - you are the adults and you get to run your lives in a comfortable and manageable way. We all have to put up with family but if it's difficult, do what most other people do and cut their visits to 2-3 times per year.

I'm so sorry for sounding so bossy - they sound so like my mother, that it's got me riled on your behalf!