So all has been going well, DSD8 (almost 9) has seemed to really enjoy the prospect of the new baby and we've been letting her be involved as much as possible in announcing to our family, looking at possible things to buy, all 3 of us deciding names and she's even gone down what I call her TikTok rabbit hole writing little lists of products people recommend/don't recommend. Her teachers also said how in class, she's been speaking to those with baby siblings around 'tips' as a big sister and the teacher recently had a baby with his wife and has been asking him around thing he things are a waste or money - she's honestly been amazing and we thought really excited about everything. It's been a much wanted addition to the family for a while so when it did finally happen, we were all happy.
On the way to school this morning she broke down crying and told me 'I'll be the child on the doorstep looking in at the perfect family' followed by how much I'll love the baby more, I'll not want to spend time with her and how her Dad can't come to the hospital with me when given birth because if he does it shows he loves the baby more than her. She also said the baby will not be having her seat in the car - sits behind the passenger - when she's in the front and it will have to 'cope' being 'out of sight' behind my seat. Nothing I was saying to reassure was working and instead she just found an answer for everything & dug herself into a bigger pit of upset. After 20 minutes of crying in the car outside school, I got her calm enough to walk in but as she turned to say bye to me she set herself off again.
Now DSD has no contact with her mum following abuse from mums partner. I've been in her life since she was a toddler and we do a lot together from clubs, 1 afternoon after school going out just her & I and generally she's like my shadow.
I know a baby into the dynamic will be different when all she's had for so long is just her Dad and I but we honestly thought she was happy. She's fiercely protective of me as I'm suffering with HG and on the bad days tells me we are having a movie day instead of going out etc.
The only things I can think off which could have brought this on is feeling abandonment from her mum/worried how she was treated then is how I'll treat her post baby and the fact 3 others in her class have said their parents/step parents are having a new baby so they've all been talking naturally & maybe another child's fear or worry has now gone into her head.
Has anyone any ideas on what I/we can do? Is there any books about being a big sister recommended? Do we have to be firm about some things like the baby coming with me and her to her clubs has to happen (she's adamant it's not to come with us) or do we just let her cry it out and move on. I don't want her behaviour to change when the baby's here to the point she's told off because we have clear rules about manners and rudeness because if she feels like she's being told off constantly, will she then feel like that's only happening because of baby instead of linking it to her behaviour choices so we end up in the 360 position of feeling like I don't love her anymore or love baby more.
I walked away from the school crying myself because the last thing I'd ever want is for her to be feeling like this because yes she's not biologically mine but she's taught me so much on how to be a parent & I love and care for her deeply.