Toddler + twins at 39

[Estro84]

Hi there, I’m new here. I joined because I feel like I need some honest advice from other mums as I’m struggling to decide what to do and I don’t really have anyone that can relate/advise properly.

I have a healthy 2 years old boy. My partner and I wanted to try to have another kid. We tried last year, I had a miscarriage. I’m
now pregnant again (9 weeks). I did an early scan and it turns out it’s… twins. I was completely shocked and overwhelmed (still am). This is not how I had envisioned our family, it is now the “plan” I had made for us (I know rationally that life doesn’t care about our plans…). My partner and I are both only children. I wanted to have a bigger family…but 3 children… that I hadn’t taken into account!

I love my boy but I’m not the type of woman that loves kids and always wants to be around them, I’m honestly quite crap at playing with my toddler (my partner is much better), I am better at organising/prepping/cooking etc. (i.e. I am not the fun parent). I’m very independent and love my me-time, I also enjoy my work.

I think financially we could afford having 3 kids, albeit with sacrifices. Everything scares me though: a bigger car, a bigger house, a double buggy, double of everything, sleepless nights with 2 newborns…then 2 toddlers to manage at the same time… I find looking after my one toddler often quite exhausting, I can’t even imagine to think how I’d feel looking after 3 kids. I love travelling and it is a big part of my life - with one kid we managed … but imagine boarding a plane with 3 kids?! It’s going to be impossible. That makes me feel trapped. I know I sound awful but I am not sure I am ready to give up so much of my own identity.

I’m soon turning 39 and not getting any younger. My partner is super hands-on and helps a huge amount, but still - it’s a lot of hard work! I would be on maternity leave and he would take a sabbatical so for the first year we would be looking after our family together… which is great, however…

I’m also very concerned about my health and how my body is going to cope with a twin pregnancy at 39. I’m fairly fit and slim, with my first boy I had an amazing, active and healthy pregnancy… I know that this time round things are going to be very different! I am only 9 weeks but I’m already starting to show, I am exhausted most of the time and I had terribile nausea (I’m now taking drugs which luckily seem to be working!). I’ve honestly been quite miserable so far and not enjoyed my pregnancy - everything changed when at the scan they told me… “there is another baby!”. My world turned upside down, I’m not looking forward to it and I am often sad/overwhelmed.

I’ve found myself thinking about an abortion… I feel like this is morally wrong (for me - an adult who was trying to conceive), but at the same time I am terrified. Anyone out there that can share her story? Have you gone through something similar? Was it all worth in the end? Do you regret (not) doing something?

Thank you.

Oh bless you! I'm 37 and just found out I'm pregnant again. I have a 2 year old boy and my husband keeps joking that it's twins... I completely get why you would be feeling overwhelmed!

Have you looked on any forums/FB pages for mums of multiples? Maybe it would give you some perspective and another way to look at things? Right now you are bogged down in all the terrifying and overwhelming bits - in order to make a truly balanced decision I think you need to consider the positives too? Can you think of any fun/exciting things? How do you think your son and partner would be with the new arrivals? Can you picture the fun chaos of Christmas and holidays etc?

I am sure it's very normal for the first response to this news to be panic! Because we all know that having one baby is life-changing enough, let alone two at once! However, I also see many big happy families, and parents who have twins saying how great it is..

Maybe play a mind game with yourself. Try and picture two days. One of them is the day after a termination. The other is the day you bring your twins home from hospital. When you picture those scenarios how do you feel?

Final point which I guess is an important one.. have you spoken to your partner about how you're feeling? How is he feeling? Are you both equally terrified/unsure? Maybe a really big chat with each other will help you to get some clarity?

All the best! ❤️

Hi, I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 16 month old daughter. I’m 41 and I’ve felt so much of what you have written.
I’m so scared and overwhelmed and have definitely been grieving for the life I thought I’d have versus the one that is now in store…. and then I feel guilty for thinking that way.

I am trying to focus on the fact that it will be 2-3 years of complete chaos and exhaustion but then after that it should get easier… ??
Anyway just wanted to say I’m in the same boat so would be happy to chat more if you’d like. Hope you’re doing ok x

Hi OP
I know exactly how you’re feeling
I had my first age 34 and twins at 37
No twins in family but by the time I had my first scan at 12 weeks it was obvious there was something wired going on.

Huge shock
Im also not good at playing but very good at organising, obsessively so.
And that’s key

In terms of travel…have kids will travel. Just be organised. We were on a plane by the time they were 4months, short hop to Guernsey to see relatives. Get the front seats, plenty of room. Pay extra if you have to. Trust me, everyone will help. We even had the air steward holding one of the babies whilst I was looking for stuff. We also went by boat and my eldest gets sea sick and threw up over one of the twins😳🤣. By the end of the journey we had our own personal cleaner on the boat cleaning up after us. No one judges, everyone helps. People are amazing in these situations.

You will be ‘the mum with twins’ though. It’s just how it is and yes you do feel like you’re losing your identity. But I joined a twin group for a while. In the group you’re not the mum with twins because everyone is. In time join a club where you’re not a parent, the same goes with single births.

There is no denying it is hard. It’s hard to walk when you’re more horizontal that vertical late in pregnancy, it’s hard to breastfeed, it’s hard to bottle feed. It’s hard to get sleep. It’s hard to leave the house. But nothing is impossible and you just get used to it and organisation is everything

I would recommend the book The contented baby by Gina Ford. A lifesaver for us and friends with one, two and three births. Organise yourself, have everything ready at least two months before due date, esp as twins have a habit of coming early and if you’re anything like me it’ll be difficult to walk near the end.

If you want a natural birth, take the doctors advice if they say you need a Caesarian. I was upset I had and tried to fight it but ultimately it was the right thing to do.

I can’t comment on whether you should keep the pregnancy.
If you’re good at organising, you’ll be an amazing mum to all three. But it really really is about organisation. Without that I think I would have gone stir crazy.

Ps. Mine are now 23 and twins of 19.

Pps if you keep them can I advice you don’t tell them which one came first. I have so so many stories if twin 2 feeling like he’s less worthy. Even a grown educated man who was twin 2 had a complex about it. Mine still don’t know and don’t care now. I always told them they were the same age. They’ll know eventually when they see their birth certs as time of birth is noted for multiples, but they’ll be older so it won’t affect them.

Guessing there will be lots of MNs disagreeing on Gina Ford advice and th3 idea of not telling them who came first, but that’s why you’re here. Getting everyone’s thought to decide for yourself

Ppps. Never call them twins
They are individuals, use their names and ask people who see them a lot to not use that term either.
Mine didn’t even know the word till they got to school and teachers kept using it. I asked them to stop too.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. It has helped a lot.

In the end I decided to keep to pregnancy and I am now 30 weeks. All is going well, since week 12 more or less I’ve been in a much better mental place which has been crucial. I am now starting to be quite exhausted (and huge)…but I am still working, still doing everything more or less as usual. I found out I am having two non-identical girls and have been really happy about it. I know this sounds childish but I was slightly dreading having a house full of men and being the only woman LOL

I have come to terms with the idea that life is gonna be tough for the next 2/3 years… but eventually, at some point in the future, it will get better. This is our story, and even if it is not the plan I had in mind for us, it’s gonna be our own very special adventure as a (not so) little family!

Congratulations OP, wishing you and your family all the best. I have 3 too, not twins but close in age. They play together and are such great company for one another, it's lovely.

Well hello. Just a little note to say I hope everything goes smoothly, and that being a twin mum is an absolute privilege.

Mine are now 3. And yes, some days I could throttle the pair of them. But twins are honestly, fantastic.

The first 3 months are very hard, but also, you just marvel at them too. It eases by 6mths. Just remember that. Because around months 2-4, you will frequently think "wtf have I done". That's normal. Completely normal. Accept every offer of help, even if someone can bring you a lasagne once a week, it's those things that make a difference. Someone coming round for a cuppa who can hold one of them for half an hour, and you can finish a hot cup of tea.

Most people experience one newborn at a time. And it's hard. When you hear someone speaking of those difficulties and their struggle to cope, can you imagine saying to them, "ok, well just carry on, but here's another newborn 24/7, do the same for that one too". Sounds mad when you say it like that. Sounds fucking scary too. And yet, you just do it. My only regret is I did all of it because I was too proud to let people round if I hadn't washed my hair that morning, or hadn't cleaned the house enough for visitors. And I burnt out unnecessarily. Take it from me, no one is looking at you or your house. All eyes are on them and nothing else. With my eldest (singleton) I had visitors as and when I wanted. With DTwins, I wish I had let people just come all the time, and given myself a break. So please make sure you do.

Congratulations, you're going to have the best time xx

Congratulations @Estro84 - this update makes me so happy and I'm glad you're in a better place. Quite poignant for me reading back as I unfortunately lost my pregnancy at 12wks in April. Now hoping for a rainbow baby but if I end up with rainbow twins I'll come to you for advice!! 😊💕

So sorry to hear this @SnookyPook. Processing the loss can be difficult and I hope you’re doing alright - next week it would have been the due date of the baby I lost last year before I got pregnant with the twins. It is a strange and melancholic feeling.

Good luck and I hope you end up with your rainbow baby (…or twins 😬)! 🌈

@Estro84 thank you so much and hugs for you as you go through the anniversary. ❤️