Feeling guilty regarding work

[rotintg]

I started a 12 month secondment with my employer in January. I've just found out I'm pregnant with my 2nd - due roughly at the beginning of November.

I'm already stressing out over telling the new team which I've joined. They've put in an incredible amount of time training me with a view to making me permanent at the end of my secondment (which is the dream as I really don't want to go back to my previous role).

I'm covering a lady who is on Maternity leave so I feel sort of ashamed that I'm in this situation. This is made worse by having heard negative commentary about this lady having gone off on MAT leave and of someone else who has just started MAT leave. It feels taboo.

I'm worrying about it so much, I honestly don't know what to do.

I feel for you. I found I was pregnant (due November) the same week I found out that two members of my very small team are due in August. Not looking forward to telling my manager, though the whole team is married women in their early to mid 30s with one child, so if they're in the business of making assumptions or spotting patterns, they probably won't be too surprised...

I feel guilty and worried too. All I can say is that people generally get less mad than you think they will, and that you are absolutely allowed to get pregnancy, have your maternity leave, and enjoy that baby! There's also lots of support available if they DO try to make you feel bad, but I don't think they will. Most will have the decency to keep it to themselves even if they are put out by the news. Also, them getting mad would be so unproductive - you're pregnant and there's putting that genie back in the bottle. I get that the mean-spirited gossipy people are making you anxious and that it doesn't help for me to say 'oh, they'll probably only do that behind your back!' but I think you need to breathe and try to put other people's opinions aside. You're allowed to do this. People will have all sorts of opinions about your pregnancy and childrearing so best to learn how to ignore them starting from now! I know that's so much easier said than done though...

You'll have completed most of the secondment too, right? It's not like you're there for a month and then have to pop off on mat leave.

Sorry, I misread and thought it was your 1st, not your 2nd, ignore the advice about ignoring opinions on your pregnancy and kids, I'm sure you're well-versed in it already!

I'm sorry it's such a hard situation. Do you think there's one person you might be able to talk through pregnancy and future career plans and worries with at some point later in your pregnancy?

If they're being douchey about others on mat leave, then consider it a bullet dodged. You know they're only really in it for what you can do for them.

Which is how business relationships should be. You signed on for a contract that will state the notice you need to give - you needn't have any guilt about that.

I had someone sign a two year contract, who left after six months, relocating. But I'm not a whiny child, so I shrugged my shoulders and hired someone else.

Ah I can relate. I started in a new team at my company a few weeks ago, just after it was all agreed I found out that I'm pregnant with my 2nd. (We had been trying a while so not unplanned but a surprise because we weren't sure it would happen).

I'm really stressing about telling them, they're training me up and talking about end of year projects I'll be leading - I'm due at the start of October. No idea how they'll take it, doubt any of them would have considered the possibility. Its mainly men.

When are you going to tell them? I'm debating telling early so that I don't seem like I'm deceiving them but equally it's so early, I've only told my DH and hadn't wanted to tell anyone else until after 12 weeks.

I can’t help but just to say I’m in the same situation. I’ve got my 12 week scan today and will have to tell them this week. I’m a teacher and started in September. In December I accepted an additional role in which the deputy head is investing significant time in training me, it would really take a couple of years before they would see the benefits of that time investment. Every week we meet and the conversations have all been along the line of ‘its going to work so much better next year now that you’re hear’ or ‘we’re not going to have the same staffing issues in science next year with you now here’ and I’ve just sat there silently! So I’m dreading telling them

but also telling myself that this is just what happens. The reality is you can’t plan pregnancies and it would also be ridiculous to postpone TTC for the sake of your employer. This is the line of thinking we need to focus on, but I understand it’s still so awkward!

@Jigglemonster just saw your reply. V similar situations! I’m going to tell mine as soon as I can brave it after the 12 week scan but it’s mainly because between now and end of March is prime time for hiring for September so if I waited any later it really would be more difficult for them

@rotintg sounds like rather a toxic workplace to me if they are regularly badmouthing women who have gone on Mat Leave. Why on earth should you feel ashamed for being pregnant?! I completely get that having pregnant employees might be an inconvenience but it is part of life and every woman is legally entitled to a family life. I hate that worries about this are distracting you from this exciting time in your personal life.

If it were me I would be taking it more as a sign that this isn't the place to move and become permanent after all but 🤷🏼‍♀️ I get that this is your career and that might be too simplistic. There isn't much else to say really - if the baby is wanted but you also want to go back to them then you could maybe seek some legal advice. If the role became permanent would they have to advertise/interview or was there a chance it would just be given to you? Is the woman you're covering for planning to come back?

Sorry it's stressing you out but maybe have a really good think about what this has indicated about the employer.

I don't have anyone to talk to at work which is a shame as I think would help me a lot.

I'm aiming to tell them after my 12 week scan - so early to mid April. Hopefully by then, I will have plucked up some courage! Realistically, I know there isn't a great deal they can do about it but it's just the thought of people thinking less of me/being disappointed in me.

I don't think the role would be advertised. I bagged this job informally - my manager is someone I know of having worked in the same building and for a colleague he knows quite well. He approached me with this job, it was advertised and 'an interview' was arranged - a 5 min conversation where he told me the job was mine. I can't see them sticking to the rule book in the future!