Husband found out sex and let it slip

[Ryanstartedthefire2]

So angry. I was adamant I wanted a suprise. He decided on the way to the appointment he'd quite like to know. I ticked the form to say we did not want to find out. I went to the toilet half way through the scan and he found out that it was a boy then. As soon as we were outside I asked him if it was a boy and it was obvious it was. I can read him so easily. I wanted a suprise. I suspected it was a boy but wanted to keep hope alive that it might be a girl. Really wanted a girl. Of course I'm happy with a healthy baby but so angry with my stupid husband. He didn't even care. I was enjoying thinking of potential names for a girl and a boy. He's ruined all the fun.

Why did you ask him?

Its not that I don't want to know (of course I do) its that I preferred to have a suprise. It was hard not to find out but I did it because I wanted that moment to come after birth.

I was surprised he'd found put and I said it's q boy isn't it 😔

If you wanted a surprise and know that you can read your husband easily, it wasn't very wise to ask him! It's a shame the surprise has been ruined for you but I don't think it's fair to be angry with him

It was a bit silly of you to ask him if you know you can read him so easily. You may have wanted a surprise but he wanted to know so he’s not done anything wrong in my opinion

He didn't even care about knowing 20 mins previously whereas he knew it was super important to me not to know. He is infertile and I've done rounds of ivf. I've had 4 miscarriages. It wasn't a case of it being 50/50 in my opinion. He betrayed my trust when I was at the toilet and I asked him in the carpark as I was so surprised he'd done that and I said it's a boy isn't it because I knew it probably was. I couldn't have not asked him in 6 months let alone 6 minutes. This baby is everything.

Of course I'm going to ask him. I don't understand how I couldn't. I'm dying to know.

He should have respected my wishes not to find out.

Honestly I think you're over reacting. As much as you have a right not to know, he has a right to know, why does one trump the other? There was a world where he could know and you didn't have to but you decided to ask him 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's no more his fault than it is yours, although I get that it's easier to resist finding out if you're in it together.

Are you possibly misdirecting your feelings because you were hoping for a girl? I'm pregnant with my first and was hoping for a boy (I know I know, healthy is what's important!) but when we found out it was a girl it felt a bit anticlimactic for me in the moment.

Possibly. I am disappointed it's a boy if I'm honest.
I dont think it is 50/50. He's infertile. I've done the ivf and suffered through 4 miscarriages.
I booked the scan. I do all the everything and he just shits on my suprise because he decides to ask when I'm at the toilet (had to pee to see if the baby would turn so I could get a better photo)
My mum was there too and thinks I'm overreacting too but I am so hurt and so offended by his lack of consideration.

Firstly, congratulations 🎉

From reading your OP, it seems like you are a bit upset you’re not having a girl and are projecting that onto him. Maybe I am misreading that though.

Either way what’s done is done and you would have found out in a few months anyway, so really not a big deal.

I am disappointed I'm not having a girl.

But I'm also disappointed I won't have the next 6 months of thinking about whether it might be a boy or a girl and thinking of names and wondering everything about the baby.

It's just taken all the magic away. Such an anticlimax.

I'm not sure why people want to ruin the suprise. I've dreamed of being handed a baby and being told "its a boy" or "it's a girl". They for me would be special.

I think maybe just take a couple of days to process your emotions & come back down to earth a bit before blowing up at him. Yes maybe if you'd explicitly asked him not to find out, it's a bit unfair however, you could have refrained from asking him if you knew there was a possibility he found out/knowing how well you can read him. I'm not quite sure what you mean by it's not 50-50 and suggesting that he's not had to go through anything just because he is infertile? Of course men have emotions too and he's probably very excited that you've managed to get this far and have a healthy baby,

I get why that’s annoying, particularly because he did it while you were in the bathroom! It’s not like you even got the reveal moment in the scan.

I think hormones are running high and you are over reacting here. Sorry. It seems you are more disappointed about the sex and looking for ways to direct that to your husband. As you said yourself, this baby is everything. Forget about petty little things. Now you can focus on lovely boy bits and boy names and get really excited about meeting your beautiful little man.

I will definitely try and take a few deep breaths over the next few days before I start another argument. Hormones may be playing a part.

(Interesting point about the 50/50. Having been through the past 7 years I conclude that no, it is not 50/50 as far as infertility and ivf goes. His suffering has been far less. I've carried 98% of the burden. He's barely been put out all. And he is the infertile one)

I'm sorry you haven't felt supported OP but the persistent reference to your husband being infertile and so somehow less of a parent is quite offensive. At what point does that stop? Do you get to make the decisions about schools when they're 4 because you're more their parent? Do you have to pay more towards their needs because you are more their parent?

No not at all. I'm sorry to offend you. I guess it stops when the baby is born in my case. I don't hold it against him. The thing is I've had about 2 billion appointments over 7 years to try and get to this point. I've had 5 scans this pregnancy alone where he hasn't been present through choice. I feel like I have done all the work and he hasn't and he still ruins the suprise. The baby is 50% his of course. But it's in my tummy. I have done 2 rounds of ivf 15 embryo transfers and had 4 miscarriages. Its all been me. I don't think it's fair he overwrote my decision. The infertility is by the by but to illustrate my involvement and sacrifices in the process.

100% agree with @buttercupboots if anything your husband will feel a massive burden knowing he is infertile & i think it's very unfair to suggest he's less entitled to know the sex of his baby or to suggest your feelings matter more. You're supposed to be a partnership, not tearing one another down.

I agree we are a partnership so why find out behind my back when I went to the toilet!

If you’ve got 6 months to go then is it not too early for the scan to say definitively either way?

I think I am over reacting after reading these answers.

And I do agree it should be 50/50. I just wanted to make it clear that I've done the "leg work" for this pregnancy so he shouldn't have gone behind my back.

I'm at work so I will try and stop being annoyed by this as I've done hardly any work this morning!

Thanks for the answers.

I get you’re upset your feelings are totally valid and you was looking forward to a surprise but he absolutely has just as much right to know as you not wanting to know. Maybe he did want to know before but didn’t want to tell you and upset you so he did it in the room when you wasn’t there hoping you could still keep the surprise so you could both get what you wanted.

Just to put a different perspective on things...
Here is a creative reimagining that may or may not be true but provides food for thought:

Hubby is well aware that he has done less of the leg work up to this point. He has been feeling useless and uninvolved. He's struggled a bit to feel a bond with this little person. When his wife popped to the toilet, his excitement about this little human that is finally on the way overtook him and he asked the sonographer what sex it was. He knew his wife didn't want to know so he did it while she was out of the room. He felt like knowing this info would make him feel a little closer to this little person and give him the possibility to start picturing life with them more. It would make them more real. When he heard he was having a little boy the future with this child suddenly seemed more concrete. His wife returned and much to his surprise, she caught him off guard by guessing the sex of the child and asking him if she was right. Was he supposed to lie? Did she now want to know? In the midst of blustering along, he realised he had revealed the secret and ruined the surprise.

OP you have obviously had a long and very difficult road to get to this point and I'm really sorry that this bit of pregnancy currently feels 'ruined' for you. I think it probably is a case of hormones and some gender disappointment playing a role. Sending you a big hug and some deep breaths! All Shall Be Well!! And as a Mum of an adorable 2 year old boy - you're going to love your little man to bits! ❤️