Hi, I am 33f and my partner is 26m. I've just found out I'm pregnant and I believe I'm about 8 weeks. We did plan for this but I think we were naive to the realty of it. The moment I saw pregnant I felt completely numb. That's been followed by a week of pure dread, absolute terror, and just overwhelming sadness. I do suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. My partner has OCD, depression and anxiety. He has been super supportive and supports me no matter what we do. I only just started therapy after waiting a year to be seen.
We are both very alone with absolutely no support. My family live 2 minutes away but I've always been the invisible, black sheep of the family. My whole life nobody took any interest in me I felt very neglected especially emotionally. I was always shouted at for crying, even as a 26 year old. My mum's an alcoholic who won't even speak to me. My older brother is horrible. My younger brother doesn't speak much to me. I'm close with my sister but she's very immature and in her own bubble. I was always closer to my dad but emotionally I feel very on edge and unable to express myself around him which is a strain on the relationship.
My partner was close to his mum and aunt (his only family) but his mum decided one day that she didn't like me. She bad mouthed me and everything about me. I told her that wasn't ok and she snapped. She attacked my partner, became very volatile and since then has not respected me or my feelings. She started a smear campaign, telling lies about me to their extended family and friends and anyone who would listen including his aunt's carer. She always makes herself the victim. I know she has issues but there's only so much anyone can take. So I'm done with his mum after 2 years of crap she's done to me that has made my PTSD far worse. My partner also now can't be close to her because of all of this.
Financially my partner has a good paying job but he is in a lot of debt. I am also in debt with no job currently (no where will even call me back).
Mentally and physically we aren't in a good place. We hate our house. We hate our neighbours (they're very nosy always watching out their windows if we go outside).
It feels like we lived in mess for a year, then covid hit. Moving to my hometown 2 years ago it feels like we've just had all the trauma from his mum hit us and we've just got to a place of managing that. And that's before we've even started on all the trauma we both have.
On top of that we've only had 1 holiday together. I have this huge pull to travel, I studied Japanese and lived there for a year as part of my degree. Despite my age I didn't get to travel or do things in my 20s other than uni. Since I finished school till I went to college I worked in retail jobs barely making any money. It was very hard and lonely.
I worry about my age for having kids because I do want them. We both do. But I can't help feeling now isn't the time. We're not ready. I'm terrified. I have felt more alone and freaked out this last week than I have my whole life (and I've struggled feeling lonely my whole life).
I just don't know what to do. Any advice or help I'd really appreciate 😞