How to support SIL struggling with secondary infertility, whilst I'm pregnant?

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SiL and her husband have been trying to conceive their second for over a year with no luck so far. They're both having tests.

Dh and I are currently expecting our second and told his family 3 weeks ago when I was past the 12 week scan.

We've had 2 miscarriages in the past, so we waited until the 12 week scan to tell people, although I still feel fairly uneasy about the potential of another loss.

The news has (understandably) upset SIL. We told her via message so that she didn't have to react over the phone and could be upset if she needed in her own space.

SiL hasn't mentioned the pregnancy to me, which is totally understandable. Neither her or her partner have said congratulations. Having had 2 losses I can on some level relate to how they feel, but I haven't experienced infertility so I'm struggling a little to understand how best to support them.

Mother in law is also not showing any interest in the pregnancy. She seemed reasonably okay when we told her. But hasn't mentioned it to me or DH since, even when SIL isn't there. Hasn't asked if we will find out the sex, when hospital appointments are etc. Its clearly really upsetting her that her daughter can't conceive second child. If DH mentions anything small to do with me being pregnant, she immediately changes the subject. Hasn't asked how I am, how we are doing...nothing. She knew we wanted a second child and really heavily encouraged us to do it if that's what we wanted. But now we have it seems to have really upset her.

My family live a long way away and I had my first child in lockdown. Traumatic birth, 2 miscarriages. So although I am lucky enough to have not had fertility problems, I've not had a particularly easy pregnancy journey.

I saw in laws a few days ago and had to spend 5 hours pretending I wasn't pregnant...Because any mention of it and everyone looks really sad.

I'm really struggling to know how to support SIL whilst also looking after myself and DH. She wasn't very supportive when I had a miscarriage and just sort of pretended it wasn't happening, but I managed to spend time with her and her then baby with no feelings of animosity during that time.

What can I do to support her and MIL through this? Its really upsetting me that everybody is upset that im pregnant. I'm not one to talk about babies a lot, buy loads of baby clothes and decorate nursery's etc...but finding it really tough that the pregnancy is such a taboo subject even in terms of my health and wellbeing, and I want to support SIL as much as I can.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like an incredibly kind and considerate person. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and feel it is special and it must be hard having to tread on eggshells around SIL and MIL. I suffered from infertility myself and found it so hard to see other people have what I wanted so desperately and couldn't have without medical help. So I do feel sorry for your SIL but I can't help but feel so sad that you are being made to feel like your pregnancy can't be talked about. My sister got pregnant straight away first time with both her daughters but I never felt negative feelings towards her. I must admit I felt negative towards friends when they wouldn't struggle and I was. I never wanted others to struggle but it still felt so unfair sometimes. I am so glad IVF eventually worked for me as I can see how bitter I was becoming. Infertility really can takeover your whole life. I honestly don't know how you could support your SIL any more. You seem very considerate. I would just give her time and space and hopefully she'll come around xx

I agree with PP that you seem to have already been incredibly considerate to your SIL. My sister announced her pregnancy when I was going through infertility (she did take my feelings in to account when doing this and told me 1 on 1 which I really appreciated) however I knew that if I didn't share in her excitement, I risked our relationship and my relationship with my now nephew. We are all very close and I'm now expecting my first baby in August, and I'm so so glad I didn't let my hurt from my own experience take over. I cried in private (the day she told me and the day of her gender reveal, mainly. Weirdly once it got closer to his arrival and I was asked to help with the baby shower, attend the birth etc I felt less upset and more excited).

Going on my own experience, I think being confronted about it directly would have been very painful. Perhaps you could instead talk to MIL and explain things from your side, that you completely understand SILs position and want to support her but you can't ignore your pregnancy (and nor should you have to). If you feel you can't do that, perhaps your DH would be able to speak to her? Sometimes it's easier with your own parent. All you can really do is give SIL time but I hope that you can enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy as much or as little as you want to, without this hanging over you.