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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Relationship problems and splitting up

7 replies

Missliannefox · 22/02/2023 18:11

I really need some advice I'm losing my mind!!
Have been with partner for 6 years,we have a little boy of 4 and I'm currently 7 months pregnant....
I find my partner emotionally immature and doesn't meet my needs emotionally nor physically or mentally anymore. Whenever I have a problem or I feel a way about something,I end up being the problem. I recently told him I feel very alone and unsupported. His mum has recently been diagnosed with ms and helps her quite a lot and then other times he doesn't help her and he just sleeps for days on end,he has a problem with prescription pills to help him sleep. This is also a soft subject which he denies..... I have recently been poorly with covid and norovirus just before that.... he went to his mums 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen him since,left me with the kids,sick and just holding the fort.... I'm not sure if I'm just over reacting or if this is normal but this happens quite often,he's just lazy,gets sick or just doesn't support me. I also work and juggle the kids and pay for pretty much everything,he ploughs on sporadically when he can. I also recently uploaded a photo to Instagram of myself which I seldom do and he sent me a nasty message saying I need attention and that 'I know what I'm doing'.... he made me feel bad about it when it was just a picture of me reminiscing of summer....
I feel he is emotionally immature,doesn't seem to want to listen to my concerns or understand or appreciate where I'm coming from with the constant inconsistency.... I mean,imagine if I just left him to it,and went to my mums,left him with the kids pregnant and sick whilst juggling everything. I can understand it's a tough time for all and I am supportive but I feel so unheard,alone and like I shouldn't be unhappy. But I am.... please help me,any advice or input is so appreciated right now. I'm so lost in all of this.....

OP posts:
SnookyPook · 22/02/2023 23:49

So sorry you're struggling. That all sounds really tough.

In answer to your question, none of this would be normal in a healthy relationship and I don't think you're overreacting being annoyed and frustrated by it.

It seems like one of those questions where really you already know the answer but are struggling to come to terms with it and need some validation. There isn't an easy answer and unfortunately noone but you can make the call. All I would say is trust yourself to know what is best for you and your kids. I don't think it's always best for kids to have their parents stay together. That said, he is the father of your kids and presumably you were happy at one point - would it be worth exploring some relationship counselling? If he wouldn't be up for working on things then you kind of have another bit of answer don't you. Relationships do take work and they don't tend to be successful if all the work is being done by just one partner.

Wishing you all the best xx

leannefox85 · 23/02/2023 11:53

SnookyPook · 22/02/2023 23:49

So sorry you're struggling. That all sounds really tough.

In answer to your question, none of this would be normal in a healthy relationship and I don't think you're overreacting being annoyed and frustrated by it.

It seems like one of those questions where really you already know the answer but are struggling to come to terms with it and need some validation. There isn't an easy answer and unfortunately noone but you can make the call. All I would say is trust yourself to know what is best for you and your kids. I don't think it's always best for kids to have their parents stay together. That said, he is the father of your kids and presumably you were happy at one point - would it be worth exploring some relationship counselling? If he wouldn't be up for working on things then you kind of have another bit of answer don't you. Relationships do take work and they don't tend to be successful if all the work is being done by just one partner.

Wishing you all the best xx

Thank you for your reply!! I just feel emotionally invalidated all the time and made to feel crazy.... I know it's not normal but it's been over a couple of months/years it's got worse...
If I have soemthing that bothers me,I gently approach it with him but he becomes super defensive,shifts blame,doesn't acknowledge how I feel or think and rather just evaluates,surmises his own opinions which in return makes me feel bad and I'm the one with the issues,causing arguments and generally just being difficult. I don't know why he finds it so easy to misunderstand me and nothing I feel,value or say is of any importance or is wrong. Even the kids have noticed he's hardly here,Almost angry with him for not being here as much and not helping especially now being pregnant and needing a little more tlc.... I'm not sure what's so hard to comprehend. I can't live like this anymore but we have holidays booked and a baby on the way and I know he would also make me feel even worse for making such a decision. He doesn't add to my life anymore,Just stress and makes me super sad with any communication that's left between us.... I know there is no correct formula here but he doesn't see anything is wrong and I'm just unhappy and miserable just because.... he never sees fault in his actions or In what he isn't doing for his family right now.... I'm alone,I may aswell be alone.... thanks snookypook sorry for the rant I'm super fed up as you can tell
Xx

PazzyPaz · 23/02/2023 14:07

I very much agree with what Snooky said.

I appreciate his mum is sick and needs extra help. But disappearing for 3 weeks, is not normal.
He has a responsibility to you and your children, so raising it as a concern shouldn't be dismissed.

You need help too.

The fact that he belittles you when you put up a post with yourself, is actually pretty gobsmacking.

Your hormones are all over as it is, you don't need someone being negative and demeaning to you. You deserve more!

At a point where your mental health needs to be nurtured, it's not being. You're at a very vulnerable point and every bit of support is needed.

I would suggest sitting down and really weighing out the pros and cons.

Would it be more stressful to continue as is, once baby 2 is here? Or would it be more stressful going solo?

If it helps, I'm completely alone and pregnant, the whole prospect terrifies me.
But what matters to me, is that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy.

You need to be selfish. Do what's right for you, not what you think is right, just to keep peace.

Theres increased mental health services for pregnant women, so if you need someone to talk to, just have a look for your area.
Sometimes it helps talking to someone who doesn't know your situation.

leannefox85 · 23/02/2023 17:08

Thanks Paz

He was so different in the beginning,a couple red flags with communication that I really should not have ignored.... but here we are

I say it to myself over and over in my head that surely this is normal a million times over and I just know it's not,I explain to him this isn't normal and somehow deflects it all back on to me somehow.... it's bizarre and frustrating...

I don't want to hurt the family but here I am sufficing all this and enduring all this nonsense just to save more arguments or bad communication.... I just don't want to communicate at all with him anymore... I kind of wish he just doesn't come back to make it easier

I don't want to live like this anymore but currently being pregnant and having a little boy already aswell as my other older girl keeps me from walking away when I know it's just the inevitable. My older girl not happy with how he is and neither am I.... maybe I just need to bite the bullet. But how.... he won't see my reasoning and I will be portrayed as the selfish one breaking a family... it's so tough mentally right now,I'm in emotional turmoil,but I know I don't want to be with him anymore.
We split for 8 months a couple years back and I was in such a happy place and then I let him back in..... more fool me

He's been going to his mums for years for days/weeks on end,presumably withdrawing from prescription pills or just being lazy and I somehow have put up with it but it's took it's toll now. His mum is sick and I know if I break up with him,that will be a thing chucked in my face and how selfish I am....

He takes me for granted plain and simple,I do everything and my soul has just had enough. I don't need him for anything,I do it all

Thanks for just listening to me and replying it really has helped more than you know,I appreciate it so so much

Xx

Babyghirl · 04/09/2023 09:13

@leannefox85
How did things turn out, I'm going through it all now as I type this, yesterday was the icing on the cake, I do everything and I mean everything, cleaning cooking washing and looking after a 9m old, out of the 9m he's never done a night fed bottle fed so no excuse, done one wake up and that was half 8 in the morning let me sleep to 9 yeeepeeee, he leaves his dirty washing in the bathroom I end up picking them up, but yesterday was awk poor me she has forgot about me, never does anything for me, in reality I haven't even got time for myself l, I told him yesterday I had no support from him what so ever, I was drowning not seen a friend from I was pregnant, cause he won't mind baby, but yet goes out all the time.

I can't live like this anymore it's making me ill, I hate my life and the shell of a person I have become, oh and its never his fault alway mine, I feel like I got the world on my shoulders, tbh my life would be easier if I only had one baby to look and care for

leannefox85 · 04/09/2023 09:23

Babyghirl · 04/09/2023 09:13

@leannefox85
How did things turn out, I'm going through it all now as I type this, yesterday was the icing on the cake, I do everything and I mean everything, cleaning cooking washing and looking after a 9m old, out of the 9m he's never done a night fed bottle fed so no excuse, done one wake up and that was half 8 in the morning let me sleep to 9 yeeepeeee, he leaves his dirty washing in the bathroom I end up picking them up, but yesterday was awk poor me she has forgot about me, never does anything for me, in reality I haven't even got time for myself l, I told him yesterday I had no support from him what so ever, I was drowning not seen a friend from I was pregnant, cause he won't mind baby, but yet goes out all the time.

I can't live like this anymore it's making me ill, I hate my life and the shell of a person I have become, oh and its never his fault alway mine, I feel like I got the world on my shoulders, tbh my life would be easier if I only had one baby to look and care for

Hiya.... well our baby is now 3 months old and he lives at his mums. We split 5 months pregnant. Since we have had her he has hardly been there,expects me to drop her off and only has her 4 hours max maybe once a week. So much disrespect happened since we split buttttttt I am so much happier,calmer and bonded to my children more so. He can no longer gaslight me or make me anxious,I was sick of feeling unsupported and made to feel I was expecting too much! Please get rid you will feel so much better. It's hard work but the heart and head are so much lighter and life is really just beginning again for all of us. Please think of yourself,don't have guilt over babies and children. They need to see a happy mum and will learn from your relationships on what is acceptable and ok and this is not I promise you. You need love,support and teamwork. Wish you all the best xxxx always here for a chat xx

Babyghirl · 04/09/2023 09:35

@leannefox85
Thank you for the reply, I know I need to end it, I was heading down to housing to declare myself homeless, but I'm going to ask him to take himself to his mums, I don't want to uplift the child when everything she needs is here, I mentally exhausted from not parenting on its own but from how much hard work he is, I was in hospital last week from Tuesday to Friday had an op on Thursday night he had baby, commented how hard it was but had let me slog on my own doing it all again. Xx

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