Upcoming termination

[mamaGR]

Good morning,

I politely ask please no judgement or hate. I’m an emotional mess at the moment and not sure I could take it well!

I’m not quite sure of why i’m expecting of this post. I’m so heartbroken I think I just need a safe space to vent and ask if anyone else has gone through similar.

Im 36, newly married and mum to DD age 8 from previous marriage and DS age 3 with my now husband.

He’s always expressed how he doesn’t want a third child whereas i’ve always been on the fence and was happy and grateful of the fact we have one of each and we would carry on with life. If one day he said he wanted a third I would jump at the chance.

Ironically we have been looking at private a vasectomy for him and had recently got dates etc back from the clinic.

I was feeling unwell the last 2 weeks and took a pregnancy test. Positive. This sounds naive because I am not on contraception but we’ve always successfully used an ovulation tracker. So i’m in utter shock that I am now approx 5 weeks pregnant.

He is very clear he does not want this pregnancy. Most of his reasons I can agree with. Ranging from the sleepless night and having to move (we are in a small 3 bed rental) to our plans to move to abroad in 3 years. His very words were “it will ruin our lives”.

Im always of the opinion that people adapt. A child is a blessing and she would be very much loved and adored.

Deep in my gut I know he is probably right. We have big plans and our lives are starting to get some routine back into it now our son is starting to sleep through and has regular childminder days. But my heart is breaking so bad. I don’t think termination is ever going to be a breeze for anyone.

I had one when I was 17 and my mum pressured me into having it. I look back now and realise it was right because I was so young but it took me about 5 years to move on from it and stop having nightmares. I’m so worried this will happen again. I’m so worried about the after affect and if I will resent my husband.

I feel like my marriage is doomed regardless. He said he won’t ever force me to have a termination (I mean, no one can do that anyway!) but I know if I went ahead he would resent me. Then similarly I feel like what if I resent him after this termination. I know i’m going to be so sad.

I can’t stop crying constantly. I’m just waiting to get my appointment through and then after that I believe they send the tablet in the post.

We are a very strong and close couple, we have very big plans and goals and want the best for our children and are working hard to make our dreams a reality. There is no denying this pregnancy is a huge spanner in the works. I’m hoping someone will be able to relate and reassure me that although it’s the right thing to do, time will heal and my marriage can survive this.

xx

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I honestly don't know what I would do. My logical brain says to choose your existing family over the pregnancy, but logic is never enough on its own. I had a termination I didn't really want, and even though I know it was for the best, it really affected me for a long time. However, our relationship survived and we are stronger than ever 5 years later so it's not doomed.

You might get more replies posting in the 'pregnancy choices' section.

💐

I just wanted to say sorry for your predicament. It's not a choice I feel I could make personally but I accept it is necessary sometimes and like you say it's not a choice people make lightly. I wonder if you and your husband could access a counselling session or something to talk it through?! It's such a delicate topic. Unfortunately there is no magic ball to see ahead into how this would affect you and your relationship going forward. I think a lot of that would be on you and your husband making peace with your decision. You maybe need to have another chat. It's great that he's said he wouldn't force the termination but you need to understand what that means to him if you were to keep the baby. If you can have a frank discussion about how the previous one affected you and what your concerns are, but also coming from a place of understanding his own concerns, then hopefully the two of you can reach a place of understanding and acceptance with whatever decision you make. Wish you all the best.

I'm going to be blunt, but not in a nasty way, because I went through this a few months ago.
Just from your post, you're basing alot of the decision on what he wants or how he will react ( please feel free to correct me). I think you need to sit with him and have another chat and explain how you feel.
Mine was slightly different, I was told I was terminating. I had the pills ready to go.
The relationship was a mess.
In the end I continued with the pregnancy.
They do offer support if you decide to have the termination, I was told I would get regular check in for a bit to check my mental health, so don't think once it's done they leave you to it. They were wonderful and supportive

Sounds to me like you want to keep the baby. If he was that against another child then why didn't he use a condom? Go with your gut. I don't see why your goals like going abroad can't be done with another child.

All I can say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm pregnant with my third (5 weeks) and although it was planned it happened very quickly (too quickly!). I've done a lot of soul searching the last couple of weeks myself but ultimately I couldn't terminate. I'm like you in the fact I think you'll adapt no matter what route you go down. Luckily my husband is onboard and very much wants a third. If I were you I would have a very open and honest conversation about your feelings with your husband. It sounds like he's only thought about how he feels in this situation at the moment. At the end of the day it's your body. Would you regret this later on in life? These are things you should think about as well. Anyway I'm sure you'll make the right decision either way. Sending lots of love your way ❤️