Prenatal counselling/how to come to acceptance?

[mrxrsx]

This will spark some hate and make people feel queasy but basically I’ve felt from start to finish pressured/encouraged to continue with this pregnancy. i’m 33 weeks now. I could have had an abortion twice. One very early, one at the very last minute like literally at the very last legal limit ( I know that’s highly controversial) but I was weak and got talked out of it. It’s my fault ultimately but pressure/guilt tripping is a hard thing to overcome.

Im not totally heartless I feel sad for my baby and will never harm him. I say i’m sorry baby all the time and i’m happy when he moves I guess if I can’t the person who pressured me will step up if I can’t but I just feel sad that my unborn baby has a deadbeat mum who feels like this and a deadbeat dad aswell I guess.

I just feel like i’m living a nightmare i’ve just been in bed all the time ignoring other responsibilities but i’m nearly at the end now.

Physically I was quite lucky and physically i didn’t feel different, I think i’ve only put on 5-10 pounds and hardly any bump, no real stretch marks apart from boobs and nipples darkening but suddenly this week it’s like the stretch marks on my boobs have gotten worse and my nipples/boobs dimpling and now external piles. I feel like i’ve ruined my body aswell, I know that’s shallow but that’s how I feel. The bumps a bit bigger but not really no stretch marks there so far.

But i’m really struggling with my mental health and guilt. And i’m near the end. I could come early aswell. Is private prenatal counselling worth it at this late stage? Nas any tips to come to acceptance with my new body and how I feel and the fact that I am going to become a mother? It just seems a bit alien still which is bad because it’s all around the corner.

And no, before anyone suggests adoption/fostering etc. I don’t want my child to grow up with issues from that or be abused. The only thing would be special guardianship/kinship if it has to come to it and I feel guilty with that aswell.

I just feel like ranting ig aswell… i’ve had private scans on top. Baby is healthy ♥️

Ah OP this sounds really tough ❤️ have you talked to your midwife about how you feel? There is lots of mental health support available for pregnant women, counselling should be fairly easy for you to be referred to, or you could go privately if that's what you want. I understand that your feeling very low at the minute especially as you felt pressured into keeping the baby, however you may feel very different once the baby comes along, I didn't really feel much of a bond until my babies where born. Some women struggle with how their body looks post pregnancy and some women just seem to bounce back straight away, it can be hard to accept but you won't really know what your body will look like until after the baby comes, I put on a lot of weight in my last two pregnancies but after a few months I looked pretty much how I did pre pregnancy but obviously everyone is different.

Sorry for the long reply but Well….. the problem is that I luckily phoned up to get a late stage termination two days before the legal limit… then on the day of legal limit I was on the operating table but also on the day for some reason I told the person where I actually am and this is what I’m doing ( tbh the abortion midwifes said in a round about way I can’t really lie and say it’s a late miscarriage/stillbirth as that’s all recorded at the hospital) and for a few hours I was strong and arguing but came off the table due to pressure again ( maybe it’s a sign deep down I was scared to go through with an abortion).

Anyway, the abortion clinic has suggested to my gp/midwife that I need some mental health support but i haven’t received anything at all. At my last midwife appointment which was like a week ago, she tried to push a social services referral but basically it doesn’t seem like social services are interested ( luckily) hopefully they don’t try and take my kid away from me at the hospital after birth.

So it seems private is the way. I’m just hoping no social services.

Im also hoping that I feel different once my baby is born.

Physically I still haven’t put on much weight or changed from my pre pregnancy body, there’s more of a slight bump now, even at my antenatal classes i’ve been told I don’t even look pregnant…. It’s just how I feel and seeing my body suddenly gaining more stretch marks and my nipples darkening and now the nipples/boobs dimpling it’s just harder to take in.

Thank you for your reply. Needed somewhere to rant and someone to reply back feel like crazy atm.

Sorry for the long reply but Well….. the problem is that I luckily phoned up to get a late stage termination two days before the legal limit and actually got a quick appointment… then on the day of legal limit I was on the operating table but also on the day for some reason I told the person where I actually am and this is what I’m doing ( tbh the abortion midwifes said in a round about way I can’t really lie and say it’s a late miscarriage/stillbirth as that’s all recorded at the hospital) and for a few hours I was strong and arguing but came off the table due to pressure again although the clinic think I just changed my mind ( maybe it’s a sign deep down I was scared to go through with an abortion).

Anyway, the abortion clinic has suggested to my gp/midwife that I need some mental health support but i haven’t received anything at all, my gp hasn’t said anything to me. At my last midwife appointment which was like a week ago, she tried to push a social services referral a few times but basically it doesn’t seem like social services are interested ( luckily) hopefully they don’t try and take my kid away from me at the hospital after birth.

So it seems private is the way. I’m just hoping no social services

Im also hoping that I feel different once my baby is born.

Physically I still haven’t put on much weight or changed from my pre pregnancy body, there’s more of a slight bump now, even at my antenatal classes i’ve been told I don’t even look pregnant…. It’s just how I feel right now and being physically “lucky” and now seeing my body suddenly gaining more stretch marks and my nipples darkening and now the nipples/boobs dimpling it’s just harder to take in.

Thank you for your reply. Needed somewhere to rant and someone to reply back feel like crazy atm

Oh @mrxrsx I can only imagine how you’re feeling. Please do push for some counselling. Do you have anyone close to you that you can talk to IRL for support in the meantime?

I’ll try not to do a long ass response but basically since I was at the abortion clinic on the operating table but “ changed my mind” well the clinic thinks I changed my mind but really again talked out of it… they said they’ll contact my gp/midwife team to get me some mental health support… looked on my nhs app notes they did definitely tell my gp to give me some mental health support…my gp has literally not said a word to me….. My midwife worryingly seems to want to push social services to get involved and to contact me rather than getting me help… but luckily ( and to my midwife’s annoyance it seems) social services don’t seem interested at all aswell and they haven’t contacted me. So private is the only way to go really. Hopefully social services don’t turn up at the hospital… fingers crossed i guess.

Ive spoken to a few people irl and used works counselling service ( which is rubbish) speaking to a few people irl helps like even ranting on mumnset helps but helps for a second ? but does help.. other than that idk who else to speak to….

Thank you for your response anyway, But even though I feel pressured i’ll never make my son feel unwanted and I will never harm him. Even if I feel like shit about myself

@mrxrsx I'm so sorry you’re feeling like this and have been coerced into continuing with a pregnancy you’re unsure of. I have no doubt you’ll be a good mum when the time comes, I just hope you’re able to access adequate support in the meantime to help you through the rest of your pregnancy. I’m surprised your midwife’s only suggestion was a SS referral, they’re usually really good at signposting mental health support, or at least mine was. Tommy’s have a pregnancy helpline you could try. There’s also the pregnancy crisis helpline pregnancycrisishelpline.org.uk/

That's awful that your gp hasn't contacted you, I have anxiety which my midwife asked me about, my GP rang me a few days after my midwife appointment and referred me to the mental health team, they offered me a lot of support. Might be an idea to give your gp a call. Social services have to have a really good reason to take your baby at birth, having mental health issues is not a good enough reason so don't worry about that, if they where worried your baby was at risk they would have been in contact (my sister was referred at her first midwife appointment because the midwife said she seemed vulnerable and she had a few appointments with social services before baby was born, her baby wasn't taken away they just asked what support they could offer). As for your body changing, stretch marks aren't nice but they do fade/get much lighter with time, and nipples do darken during pregnancy but these also lighten after birth.

Thank you. My mum has been encouraging me to continue with the pregnancy as i’m her only child aswell so if i didn’t have her grandchild the line would end aswell also it’s her grandchild. That and mild learning difficulties is why I think midwife is pushing for SS referral. Sounds contradictory but I still don’t want social services to take my any children I have away. My mum will step up if she has too and she’s not too old aswell.

Thank you about tommys I only thought they were more for support about pregnancy complications/losses/tfmr. thank you

Yeah It’s a slight worry but I don’t think they’re interested, the midwife said she’s tried to phone them twice or so many times and they should give me a phone call but there’s nothing. I have no idea why the gp haven’t contacted maybe they just don’t care, idk.

My mum is the one encouraging me. If I really have to, then I guess i’ll give her kinship/special guardianship but i just hope my child won’t feel resentment from that. But I hope like you say I just feel so differently once my son is actually here. I just wish things were different. I’m so sorry to my baby :(.

Yeah i’m so worried how i’ll look after childbirth but it’s just physically I was lucky for a long ass time now my stretch marks on my boobs and darkened nipples and they seem to have cracked up aswell… I know i have to wait for time but yeah it’s just made me feel worse when i’m coming to the end physically more changes.

The fact that your feeling sorry for your baby suggests that you do care, pregnancy can really mess with your mind, your hormones are all over the place. Many women don't feel a bond with their baby during pregnancy, it's hard to bond with someone that you've never met. Don't feel guilty about that, it really is normal. At least you know that if your not able to keep your baby that your mum is there to step in, I hope everything works out for you and your baby ❤️

Thank you. I still wish I was a better mummy and excited etc though but it is what it is but i’m hoping fingers crossed like you say it’ll change the minute he’s born… yes my mum will deffo step in, hopefully if it comes to it he won’t resent me for that.

Thank you ♥️