Heartbroken, ectopic pregnancy - advice?

[Sealover123]

Hi there, new to Mumsnet as I started reading pregnancy threads when DH and had conceived.

My hubby and I were thrilled when we got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas Eve. Been TTC for a couple months and surprised it happened so quickly (I'm 38, he's early 40s). Recently married, no previous pregnancies or children.

Mid Jan I started bleeding and cramping painfully. Contacted EPU and had a transvaginal scan - no sign of baby in uterus. They did blood tests to rule out ectopic but miscarriage was the likely scenario.

A week or so passed and was waiting to hear back re. bloods when I collapsed in pain, got rushed to A&E and had to go in immediately for emergency surgery.

It was ectopic, I was bleeding inside my right fallopian tube and they had to remove it ASAP.

I'm thankful I didn't die but I'm so sad I don't know what to do. I had been mourning what I thought was a miscarriage but this was even worse than I thought; I'm sore and depressed I only have 1 tube left.

My husband has been my rock but he's heartbroken too. Any support or advice for us? It's such a difficult time and I've only told close family members and 2 good friends (who've been sympathetic but neither of them have any experience with pregnancy or kids).

Any kind words, positive stories or suggestions on how to pick ourselves up would be greatly appreciated! xoxo

I'm so sorry for your loss

I had 2 ectopics- both ruptured and ultimately lost both tubes

Take it a day at a time, having a plan in my head to keep focussed on something helped (for me it was IVF but appreciate it may be too soon for you to think about that)

Take time to grieve - I've had miscarriages as well as ectopics and I found my ectopics harder as you are mourning the loss/reduction in fertility as well as a baby and throw in the life threatening element it's just a lot to deal with.

Take things easy - don't rush yourself - I went back to work quickly to keep myself busy and distracted but later on realised I should have took more time to really process what had happened

Discuss with the hospital if they offer a funeral service - not every place does it - both my ectopics were live in that they had heartbeats so the hospital arranged funeral services (all babies lost would be buried together once every few months). It helped having somewhere to go to think about things (ashes spread on the baby loss memorial garden) and it's something I never got to have with my miscarried babies

Do you get a follow up with your surgeon? I did albeit several months later but it was useful to discuss what she'd seen in there and her opinions on why it might have happened. For me she found a lot of adhesions and scar tissue so knew it would be a gamble continuing TTC as could happen again - it did - but at least I was sort of prepared emotionally/mentally

Don't think that because you are a tube down that you can't conceive naturally - lots of ladies I know in the ectopic groups I joined has successful and healthy pregnancies afterwards with just one tube x

I’m so sorry.
No personal experience I’m afraid but my heart goes out to you, I can feel the pain from your words. Allow yourself to feel what you need to treat yourself with kindness 💕

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had an ectopic and remember the trauma well. They refused to do bloods and in my case I kept being told it was a miscarriage even though I thought it was an ectopic. Anyway, eventually it ruptured and you know the score from there. I remember sobbing in my hospital bed. I have known fertility problems and was already receiving treatment. I thought that was me done. Then the pandemic hit and there was no treatment for anybody for 9 months. I fell pregnant 12 months later with surprise twins. Their due date was the same as my previous pregnancy (a year later). They came early but are now two very healthy toddlers.
Take time, grieve. You can’t rush it. I took a month off from work and mostly focused on getting physically strong again. I was kind to myself and you should be too.

I had a partially ruptured ectopic pregnancy in 2020, totally unplanned but I grieved so hard. It was very traumatic for me.
it does get better with time, take care of yourself

I had an ectopic at 9 weeks back in october and had to have a tube removed. It was the most traumatic thing i have ever been through. 3 months on i am still getting over it. I have good weeks and bad weeks . This week i have cried e every day. It takes time . A lot of time. The worry for me now is what the future holds. Will it happen again… will it happen at all . Take a look at the ectopic pregnancy trust and the worst girl gang. Take care of yourself. Pregnancy loss is a terrible thing and until someone has experienced it they dont really understand. Xxx

Hello, I didn’t want to read and run, so just wanted to add another positive story to the mix. I had an advanced ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery and lost a tube. I spent many hour researching and worrying about my fertility. Fast forward and my beautiful gal is sleeping on my lap. We had some unrelated miscarriages before too, so there’s been a lot of heartache, but all of a sudden everything clicked in place, so please keep positive. I made sure for every pregnancy to get an early EPU scan just to check it wasn’t happening again, so make sure you do that, then you can catch it early xx

@Sealover123 Im so sorry and fully appreciate how you are feeling. Just over 30 years ago in my mid 30’s, I had a ruptured ectopic whilst in theatre to find out what my severe tummy pains were. Had I not been in theatre the blood loss was so great I would have died. We had no idea I was even pregnant as had been trying for about 5 years. I lost a tube but just over a year later had a daughter. She is now almost 30 and expecting her first baby. Make sure you take whatever help is available to support you. Even 30 years ago the care I received was fantastic, early scans etc and of course things are much improved now so you have every chance of having your longed for baby.